~me~

I thought I'd write a bit today. We got hit with some snow last night and it's still snowing. uugghh! :o)My son got up and went out side and shoveled all the walk ways. I really appreciated that, and I told him so. :o)

I really want to do my best in explaining something. Please, just bare with me.
You know mostly about what I do have in an illness kind of way. I think you do anyways. If not, just ask me. In March of 2007, was one of the most hardest days that I have encountered. From what my neurologist told me and the new medicines, I was thinking to myself; All I want is to just "know" what was going on. Well...I guess I was wrong in thinking that way. Yes, I was relieved to know. And I honestly did think I would be fine. As in being able to cope with the loses of my abilities. Knowing that I'm going to loses my arms and legs soon. Like I've said before, I am at least 2 months ahead of what my neurologist told me! YAY! I'm a fighter still and I'm not at all trying to prove anything to anyone. All I'm doing is trying to help my body. And thats where it gets kind of difficult. My brain and my body are not at all on the same page at all! So, with that, I go from there and do my best with what I've got. For me, it's just the best that I can do.


I know that all of you are tired of hearing me do nothing but talk about the fibro and ms pains and the rest that goes along with them. But, I also feel the need to either log it, and/or get 'my' information out there for others to read to see if I can at least help someone in doing so. Which I hope I'm doing so. As you all know....I'm the type, "What you see is what you get," kind of person. And I can be very, and yes, sometimes too bold when I write, I never mean it to ever hurt or "step on your toes," in doing so. It all comes down to an understanding. I understand you and you try and understand me. No, it's not that easy.
I have noticed that I have been a bit depressed. I've wrote about this before. This is why I think happened; I truly thought that back in March of 2007, I would feel and just be fine since I now know. Well, no. This is something you can't predict. Yes, a few months, I was fine about it, then it "ALL" seemed to hit me all atonce! BOOM! Then a crash! One day when I woke up, thats the way it happened to me....just that quick, before I could actually realize what hit me! And it took me awhile to figure out what was going on with me.
When I understood what was going on with me is when I told dh and my family. I needed them to know as well. It's not at all that I'm not happy....it's more like running into a brick wall going at full speed! Literally!
I was still hanging in there. Because I could. Again, by holding it in and not letting anyone know how I was feeling. Like I still do with my pains. I still find it hard to tell someone about it. I'd rather sit by myself and deal with it on my own. All I have to do is smile and everyone thinks I'm doing fine. I've been in this like "gray" area. I feel that there's black, white and a gray section to all of this. The gray to me is like just being. Nothing but existing. And add on the pains and fatigue.
I still feel as if I'm still in the little gray area. And it seems that I won't know what area I'll be in until I wake up that way....if that makes sence. I've been told that I've changed. Changed months back. And they can't seem to put their finger on it. Yes, I know I have changed, and I know that I do stand up for myself so much more then before, and this! This, what I've been going through and having to live this! I have no choice. It just happened. But, yes I do realize that it's up to me to make a starting point somewhere to start to heal myself. But to be told that you've changed and they can't put their finger on it, well that kind of sucks! Ok, they've seen a change, so how come they can't put their finger on it? It confuses me. This situation is like being pregnant! You either are, or you're not! Am I wrong? Black or white, and thats it. And if I upset, hurt, or do/say something....I'm usually the first to let you know that, yes, I did do that and I'm sorry. I know they're just words but at least it's a start in a healing process to move forarwd. You've all seen that here in my journal.
I don't ever like to hurt/upset anyone. Because it hurts me as well. And talking things out do help.
I noticed when I had a bigger change seemed to be sometime in November. I had such a hard time controling my emotions. I cried so much. I thought that I didn't have a friend in the world. Thats just the way it felt. There were way too much going on in my head. There still is, but I 'think' I have it a bit more under control.Through all I have written, about my life with the fibro and ms, you guys should really know me by now. :o) And by the way...I never said that I was perfect either. :o)
Right now, I have to sift through everything that goes around in my head. If I think it doesn't need to be there, I just chuck it! And breathe in positive and breathe out the negative. I wasn't prepared at all for any of this. No one is. And everyone reacts differently. When you think you have the situation by the balls and you keep telling yourself that you're fine, Thats when it hit me. Because I wasn't guarded. I am now. And I can see and feel a big difference now. Life is most deffintily a struggle! :o) And a few wiggles here and there as well. :o) Keep your faith and hold on to it as tight as you can, because it's a bumpy ride! No kidding! :o) Please remember to understand the person that has just been given a life changing illness diagnosis. Because guess what? Hell yes they're going to change! You just have to, thats all.
Thank you all for supporting me. I mean that!

Good, better, best; never let it rest till your good is better and your better is best.
Anonymous

 

Tags: MS, Talking