Very Helpful Advice

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to
have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2
days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast
wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone
else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Tags: Joke, Laugh, Humor