~One day, my words will count!

Yes, I have attitude today. You know when you get "that gut feeling" about something/someone and you either act on it, or you just second guess yourself and go for it? I do both. The reason I do it now as an adult at my age is mostly because everyday, I'm challenged with someone. No matter what "I" say matters or counts. And it never really did.
About 23 years ago, I was presented with a challenge. I had a gut feeling, but I didn't listen to it. And I very well should have! Hind sight is always 20/20, but still I didn't listen.

I actually had 2 choices. Oh well. And I end up with a life time of pure hell!
I've never in my life seen anyone as callous as this person. And being proud of it!
Has anyone ever had someone/spouse call up your best friend and their husband to tell them that they would do everything in their power to keep my friend and her family apart from me? And when I say, "That I've lost my friend" during my newly diagnosed health issues, thats how it happened. I don't matter! It's what matters to someone/spouse. And this was done behind my back. I was not in the room when it was done and I don't know what was said. I was told to not talk about this in my journal. Right now, I don't care. I have no one to talk to except for my children.

I've been apoached about me going in an Elderly home! Why?
The reason's that both of my children moved out was because of someone. My heart hurts because of this. I did my best to shelter them. But they heard the yelling. Yes, I do realize that I do need to find a safer place, but I fear someone will do what they have always done to me when I would leave/move.

I always appreciat everything that is done for me. But not the head games and the intimidations and threats.

Sorry about the vent, but I truly needed to release. I've held this in me Since last November. I think it was November. And it was taking a toll on me, so I had to release. Theres plenty more, but not right now. I've upset myself and I'm feeling the way I did when this was all said and done. I would have much rather been punched in the gut instead of all of this crap.

When I woke up this morning, I took my vitals like always. My BP was 198/168. Pulse, 102 and sugar, 170. Last night it was BP, 166/103, Pulse, 103 and sugar was 164. And in the morning yesterday, BP, 143/129, Pulse, 89 and sugar, 165.
Yes, I show my vitals to my nurse that comes on Thursdays. She doesn't know why my doctor isn't doing anything about it. I wonder too. Because I take the tablet in when I see her, and she see's them.

I really have no idea as to what's normal and what isn't.
I'm still cramping up. Not nearly as much as I was. I'm thankful that it has slowed down. My case manager come by yesterday for my yearly assement. She had to ask questions etc... One of the questions asked was, "How many hours does my primary care taker spend on me, like rubbing my feet, my back and legs, and things like that, to make me feel comfortable. My answer was 1 hour! I couldn't think of anymore.

Yes, I do ask him but if he doesn't feel up to it or if he gets a call from someone and if my daughter and grandsons come to visit. They all come first. And when he does rub my back, etc... I really appreciate it. And I feel bad when I thought about the time and it would only amount to maybe 1 hour.
One day I and my words will count, mean something. Because they do to me.
And telling someone to not tell anyone about...what he says to me about others or just about anything, and I don't like that. I could slip up (and I do) and say it. I think he tells me this is to see if I said anything. I don't care anymore. I really don't. And to do my best to forgive him of taking my best friend out of my life. Thats a hard one! And very hurtful.
My home health aide is here, so I need to end this.

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