sorry not so 'upbeat.

I do hope that everyone had or is having a great Easter Sunday today.
Again, I have to step back into the dark when it’s the holidays. I’ve had to do that all through my daughter’s life, and I find now, I’m having to do the samething with my grandson. And it hurts. I didn’t even get to see him look for his Easter basket. I was asleep and no one even came in to wake me up for it. My stomache is in nots, just like it used to be when my daughter was young. I’ve even asked before if we could at least see him on Christmas morning...nope, too busy with ’others.’ I’m so very tired of having to be back in the dark when it comes to holidays. It hurts me so badly. Like I said this morning, "Oh well, I’m used to it!" Which makes me feel like total shit.
I won’t be here that much longer anyhow, so it will make it easier on them to decide where they go. I hate hurting like this. I’d much rather be pissed then hurt. All I have planned to do today is to sit in my bed like I have to do every day. I'm sick of it.
Within a years time, I was diagnosed with 3 other health problems! These are life altering! Plus, it scares me. I have so much more that I want to do and say in my life. My grandbabies are my world! I live for them. I have so much love to give. But I guess not everyone will be. Yes, I wish these illnesses came with a ’handbook’ for me. But it isn’t that way, "I" have to be the one to figure it out and then go from there. And do you know how hard that is? Very!
My heart hurts.