~Still misunderstood~

Good Morning once again.
Honestly....I must be writing either in a different language, or in a way that is not being understood. I didn't realize that the way I wrote has changed so drastically!
No! The last entry doesn't at all have anything to do with "having someone" that understands me, or to "mesh" with. I posted it because I liked the way she wrote the email. She actually put it very bluntly how I've been trying to get things across in my writings! Thats it! It gets so frustrating at times to try my hardest to get out what I'm going through in my life, and it just so happens that she wrote it out in a way that made it more understandable! If that makes sense?

So, if you don't understand what I've writen, thats ok. You can email me if you want to. I've even tried to open peoples eyes with the little pictures. It's how I feel. Thats just a way of showing, instead of telling.
Moving on.....
Yesterday wasn't of course, a good day. I cried most of it! I could barely walk. I keep praying. I have in my mind, that the reason I have this is becuase that maybe a child now doesn't have it, so it was given to me instead. And I hope I'm right. I couldn't and wouldn't bare to see or know a child going through this wicked pain! :o(

That helps me to get through an hour or two. It's down to baby steps! Not days anymore. If I can make it past a few hours....then I've accomplished something! :o) I will push and push until I make it to another day! I will not stop! My faith gives me my strength! I feel like I'm trying to climb out of the bottom of a darkened well. I will get out.

I'm very weak today. I have the shakes really bad, and its making it very hard for me to even type. It makes me weak to walk. I have to to keep my legs working...I'm not going to let them go! I know you probably do not understand, but What would you do? Would you lay down and just die? Well, I'm not going to! Yes, there are days I'd like to, but I'm not going to! I'm having alot of muscles spams as well. Now they're all over my body this morning. My back, arms legs everywhere.

Since the room that I used to have as a bedroom is now not being used. I ask if I could put my bed and tv in there. Well....Good Lord....if was if I asked if I could have a whol new room added this weekend! :o( So I told him that It doesn't have to be this weekend, or next weekend or even next month! Then he calmed down! I couldn't believe it! :o( Then I told him that he was mistreating me and that my physical therapist is ready to turn him in, if he doesn't clean around my bed for me....I've did the best I could already! He just looked at me! She mentioned it to me again yesterday! Then he said that you know that show we used to watch, if you haven't used it in a year, then throw it away? I said, "Look around!!!" He did, and apoligized. Because I've thrown away almost everything I had! Because he made me! So, While we were talking, my daughter came home and he turned around and started talking to her and our grandson, and that was the end of our conversation! I cried again! It made me feel so low! Once again, he can always make me feel like I don't matter! And it's really obvious because if I did matter, my bed and tv would be in that room...how hard would that be? I could do it if I wasn't ill! Now do you see why I do not like to ask? This is why. I exist and thats all. And then when I try to explain in my journal how I'm feeling and what fibromyalgia is like living with, and it's hard to get across, and hardly anyone gets it....really makes me feel so special in this world! So I say to everyone.....Thank you so very much! :o(
I don't know how long I'll be gone,/done writing in this thing because it really seems to be a waste of my time anymore!

I have this ex eighorb that does nothing but preaches to everyone.....and thinks I do nothing but write about her in here! gggrrr! I'm sick of that crap too! Having to watch what I say...no more! Needs to practice what she preaches, because she comes and reads my journal and goes back to hers and writes about me! Calling me a patholoical lyer! yeah right!

I'm just so tired of all of the bs going around! And I'm just done with it all! I've tried my best to help others with this journal, and all I get is people sating that their glad to see that I have someone that I can mesh with? That doesn't even make any sense! Had nothing to do with what I even wrote! That goes to show ya' that no one really reads this journal!  :o( So...why have one then!?
I'm just done....and I'm going to do my things my way with my illnesses! I'm a fighter and I will win!

Tags: help me