.....Just to let you know, nothing in this journal's entry is toward anyone in specific, I use it to write my feelings, and about my illnesess, and in hopes it might help someone else as I do.I do not pretend nor imatate to be someone I'm not. And if you might take an entry wrong and feel that it is about you, I'm sorry but It isn't, it just may seem to coincide with your own life. And if there is something in what I write that "offends" you, options; don't read, or realize that this IS real life, and get out of your plastic bubble and learn more about it! God bless you!......

 

About the disclaimer that I put up when I write.....yes, I use it to cover my butt when I write. My husband intitally wrote it for me and told me to put it up each time I wrote. I've had to add a few more things to it, because yes, there is actually someone that really believes that I write things about her. So, Thats the reason behind my disclaimer. If I want to write about her, I won't use it! I feel it's sad that there is so much paranoia from this person.

Moving on......

I did not have a very good evening at all! I even came in here and re read  my last entry to make sure I was right and had said what I had thought I did. I did write it and am glad that it has been logged as such.
Because I thought thats what I had said in the first place. I'm so glad that I write in this journal and log things so that I can go back to it to make sure that thats what I had said.

I want to tell you a story. This will help you to understand the 'why' I was feeling the way I did. I'm not sure if I've ever wrote about it or not, but here it is. This is very true and very sad.
I don't know if you remember the entry I wrote about when my kids and I were kidnapped. Well, it happened in 1997. I really don't feel like going into too many details about all of that, ( too many bad memories right now ). But, I will just talk about what happened to my daughter. Yes...I'm making a point here.
I don't remember or know how my daughter's father found us, but he came and rescued my daughter. No, not my son and I also,just my daughter. Please know that I was very grateful that he did save her. (* my husband just called me to see if I was alright! God bless him!* ) After he took her, he also made me sign a paper that either I go to jail for leaving the state with her, or I give up all rights to her! Now...we were kidnapped and I did not leave the state on my own will with my kids! So, as a mother, I signed the papers that he had custody of her because I didn't want to go to jail and lose both of my kids! My heart went into a million pieces. They lived at that time in New York. She was 12. She was abused there! And I couldn't do a thing! Yes, I called children services. They just lied about it. When I could talk to my daughter, she would tell me how she felt like Cinderella, because of her step mom and her brother and sisters. She had to take care of them and had many chores put on her! They finally moved back her in Ohio. I was so happy. But, her father was still telling her lies about me and my husband and when I talked to her on the phone, she would be very distant from me because she didn't know what to believe. I don't blame her, I wouldn't either. Well...As she was in high school there, she went to her proms. Her stepmother wouldn't allow me to help my daughter to get ready or to have anything to do with them! My only daughter. I just lost it! I cried so many tears for her. I was allowed to go down there and see her for her last prom. But, she had already had her hair done and things like that. I was so grateful that they let me see her and take pictures of her in her pink gown, just beautiful. And then we had to leave. When she turned 18, her stepmother told her that she couldn't come and live with me! She had her so brainwahsed about so many things. She wanted to come live with me and being 18, was told she couldn't! Thats why she felt that the only way out of that house, was to join the Air Force!

Moving forward.......

So, I had NO controll or any say about how my daughter was being raised and treated! I was taken out of her life, basically! Her stepmother is the one that did the things with my daughter that I was suppose to do. And she has 2 daughters of her own that she can do so many things with. I was always taken out of all of my daughters mother daughter things! I never got to do anything like that! NEVER! Her dad and stepmother seen to that!
When she got out of boot camp, she came to live with me! I was so very happy! But that didn't last long either. It's hard to try and de brainwash someone! She moved back down there, but with her boyfriend this time. But was still being influanced by her dad and stepmother. She was pregnant with Kayden then. I missed out a few months of that too. Finally, when we moved into this house almost 3 years ago, she and her boy friend moved in with us. I was so very happy! There still was some sort of a strain...because of what she was told about me while living with her dad and stepmother. She told us some of the things that were said. It was something a parent should not say to a child! OMG! My husband and I were able to get close to her again. Because all we had to do was just be ourselves and live and talk the way that we've always done! That showed her that what was said to her were lies. Very sad! We all got close once again and it didn't even feel that so many years were lost. So...now. Her dad and her stepmother seems to still have some kind of "pull" on her! I don't understand it at times. The only thing that I can come up with is that she's still trying to get the love and support from them that she never had and will never get! If we do something for her, then they come right in right before it happens and makes it look like they were the ones behind it and take all the credit for it! Even though they don't help with paying for her college, call her to see how she's doing or even their grandson, and do not come up here to visit! No...she will go down there to visit them! Now, in my opinion, thats wrong! And she doesn't stand up for me when they say and do the things that they do to me or her! That hurts. I've taught her to be a strong woman. But she seems to lose that strength when it comes to them!
I had called her and we were suppose to go and get our hair done on Sunday. Read my last entry! Well, I was talking to her on the phone last evening and now her 2 sister's are coming up and she "invited" me to go along with them on Sunday to get their hair done!!! What?! I was so excited about having an actual mother daughter time with her! But NOPE! When it comes to them...I'm always forgot about and or pushed to the side and I feel like sh*t because all I want is to spend time with my daughter! You are probably asking how hard is it to have those special times with my own daughter! Well....when it comes down to it, and they are involved, I'm pushed aside and feel like I have to stand in line just to see my own daughter! Every dam time! And this is her day! And I had made plans already to have some time with her for her big day! As her mother! It happened to me again. I was invited to go with them! I'm sorry, but my heart felt like it was litterally spooned right out of my chest last night! I cried for hours! Because this situation reminds me of how it always has been! I'M HER MOTHER, no one else is! Just why am I forgotten about and the things I say....? And will be argued about that I had said something else which I know for a fact that I didn't! I wrote it in my last entry!!! Why would I do that if it wasn't true and if I didn't talk to my daughter about ahead of time?! No one will ever know the pain and the hurt that my heart goes through. I just thought that since this is my duaghter, and this is her wedding, that I was going to have the proper mother daughter time with her. I guess thats what I get for thinking!

Am I wrong to feel this way?

 

Tags: My love for my daughter, in so much pains today, My life sucks!