part 2

I still needed to talk. Sorry about me whinning so much, but right now, I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm not able to write, and this is it! You don't have to read if you don't want to I understand. :o)
Again, nothing different happened this morning. Of course...I was hoping it would be different then it has been. I told him to watch the kitchen floor, because I had to mop it because of the pee pee all over. Yes, mop it! My back is killing me right now! He again didn't hear all of what I said, and grumbled at me again. Oh well, you fall you fall, I told you!
I'm so tired of taking care of everything and everyone in this house. Well, you know what I mean, I think.....I still do a lot of things. It just seems if I was here to tell some people to put their right foot in front of their left foot, they wouldn't know how to walk! No kidding! It would be great if I could take care of me for a change. That'll be the day. My mom is soooo mad that this is happening to me! She doesn't understand why I'm not getting the help I need. Well, I told her, I don't either. She hates to see the way my bedroom is...STILL! After this whole time we've lived here. Oh well. I'm used to it being this way.
The pictures that I posted below of our Christmas. And the last picture that my husband took of the futon...he told me to post it and what to say about it! :o( The next day, he asked me if I did it or not, and I told him yes. :o( And yes, my daughter was tired. I didn't find that out until the next day either. She wasn't mad. But being told things from someone else things, and having things put in your head, makes you almost believe it...if you know what I mean. In the talk I had with my daughter yesterday, I told her everything! Because I know what I did was sooo wrong! My heart hurts for her. :o( I don't know why he told me that she was mad and that she made that mess when he was the one that did it! :o( How childish! The termoil and the drama that I can not have or can not stand! It is litterally killing me! I've told him that, and I wonder if he even cares or not! It's not like I was just diagnosed last week! :o( I don't feel that he happy in life, so he has to make everyone else around him feel as he does, and I can't take it, and I do not want my children or my grandson around it!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS KILLING ME!!!!!! My doctors are telling me this! But I already know it! I can feel it down deep! I think thats why he took outlife insurance on me last year...that when I found all of this out! And I'm suppose to feel safe and comfortable in my own home? Well, I don't half the time. :o(
I asked him for the 3rd time about the extreme home make over and if he would get on the video whil everyone was here, which was Christmas. This was his 3rd excusse..."I don't own the house, my brother does so you'll have to get with him about it!" Ok...His brother did buy this house....but for us because my husband filed bankrupsy, and he pays his brother the mortgage payments every month! Plus, he can have it in his name right now if he wants too, and I don't know why he hasn't done so. So...after I get the loan I took out to get that ramp put up out back....I guess I can try to get another loan to try and get my medical needs met inside the house! :o( And, the ramp that HE said HE would put out front for me and never did! Probably waiting for me to pay for that one too! I have a whirl pool tub in the basement thats brand new since last spring! I was able to use it 4 times! Because I can't get down there! Plus, I'm the one that payed for that and all of the materials to make a room for it as well! It's beautiful! But, I can't use it! He was going to put it on the back porch for me.....but, from that to the basement, I don't know what happened! Maybe the wind blew another direction! :o(
And he complains about ME not going down there and NOT using it! hmmmm, I wonder why?! :o( DA!
When the kids aren't in the same room with us, or not in hearing shot...thats when he starts bad talking to me about either one of them 2 of them or all of them! Just depends I guess on what kind of mood he's in! Then, he tells me to tell them this or that, and this or that needs to be done and get done, and I need to tell them all of this stuff! Why "I"? I tell him that HE'S the man of the house and that HE'S the one that needs to tell them what he's telling me! Then he says, well that put's me in the middle then!!! What? Uh...NO that is putting ME in the middle! AH! So, I will go to who ever it is that HE wants ME to go to to talk to, but I just tell them that Jim asked me to say ***** and I kind of make sure that they know it's not that bad. Plus, they all know how he is too! Like my daughter said to me yesterday, she's so tired of seeing him treat me like he does! How sweet of her to say that...I didn't even know that she noticed.  God bless her. :o) I love my kids so very much and my grandson! If I didn't have them, I honestly don't know where I'd be right this very second! All I've been doing is just sitting and crying. Yes, because of my physical pain, and the mental pain as well. Which makes more pain for me. :o( I wish I knew what to do. I pray and I pray! I don't know if anyone remember the entry I wrote about when I was a little girl and what had happened to me. But, I feel exactly like I did then, but without the physical abuse! :o( Here I go again....geesh. I just want all of you to know where I'm coming from right now. I'm just not doing very well right now. I guess when he brought home the puppy and gave me a "duty," thats what broke my back for me! And made me see so much more then usual. Plus him making fun of my voice too. :o(
I'll go now. Sorry for complaing and this being so long. I really am so very thankful to have all of you as my friends! :o) I love each and every one of you so very much! :o)

Lisa

Tags: ranting, Love, ineed of love