Anorexic

I've decided to go ahead and do this entry. Bare with me, this is a hard one for me to do. Because I still battle this disease! I did my best in posting photo's of me in some type of order. They are mostly from my portfolio. The rest are from monthly model shoots in my area. I wanted to get what I did to myself in the order I did it. My hair is always a different color by the way....I'm always getting a perm and coloring it. :o) Ok...<taking a deep breath> ...This all started at the age of 15. It just so happened that one day, I was doing something, and I bent over and my mom made a comment to me about my behind! It wasn't anything, but at that time, I took it so wrong! From then on, I became an excersice-aholic! I was always a thin person to begin with, plus I'm only 5' 1 1/2"! Short! I never had a weight problem. But when I looked in the mirror, I seen myself the way I am now! I seen that my thighs could be more formed and my tummy wasn't tight enough...etc. It was always something. As I got older and had my kids, I would excersice religiously until I got all the baby weight off! It was against my doctors orders. I had 2 small children, went to modeling school on the weekends and had 2 jobs living alone. I', still this way, but then, I could never just sit still...I was very active. I finally slowed down on trying to tone up, or lose weight. It was always in the back of my mind to count colories and excersice! I met my husband that I am married to now; he was my manager! :o) We got married in 1986! My 3rd marriage and I was 21! I was still always on the go with the kids; taking them skating, the park, bowling, playing tennis, street hockey, softball, you name it, we did it! I had so much fun playing with them! :o) I started to go to these modeling shoots that were being held in the Dayton area. It was a lot of fun! I even took my daughter with me as well, and I have photos of her modeling and her and I together. :o) I'll have to post them, I forgot today. At these shoots, there would be "scouts" or whatever they were called, there and someday you could get a break into modeling. Well, it happened! I was very excited! I went on my shoots, and did print work, and got to keep the clothes too! :o) At the time of the first black and white photos, I was weighing around 94 pounds. I wore a size zero. The more I worked, the more Ifelt the need to lose weight and excersice. I memorized how many calories were in everything, I was hooked on laxitives, and was thinking I was "ok." If I felt that I needed to lose 5 pounds in 2 days, I could do it with no problem! The tone up! I belong to a gym here in town, and went everynight. Things were ok, then I would keep doing this stupid cycle! I couldn't stop! I was in denial! My husband would actually yell at me telling me that I had a problem and needed help! I didn't see it...but he was right! In 1998, I went on another shoot in a southern state. I got down all the way in the 70's! Look at the pictures I posted, and imagine 20 pounds lighter! I don't have any photo's of me then. I wish I did so I could show all young girls! My husband had to hand feed me and litterally take care of me! I almost died a few times! I had no idea what abusing laxitives could do to your colon! It stopped working for a bit! I slowly got better and gained weight. I was finally back to my normal weight...110! To me, I felt so fat! No kidding. At that time, I wore a 2/3! I was all the way down to wearing a size 10 in a little girls! When I went shopping for my daughter, I baught her a size 12! I didn't see anything wrong. Jumping up now to 1999....I had gained weight enough to where I was "healthy" for my body type and size. In the mean time, through all of this, I was also having my fibromyalgia and ms problems as well. So, 1 1/2 years later, I was diagnosed! Those few years flew by way too fast for me! My family loved me enough to care about me! It was almost like having an intervention happen to me before I saw the "real" me! Plus I had a daughter that I didn't want her to end up like I did! By the way....she didn't! Whew! So, I have this disease as well as all the others that I write about. This was and still is a "closet" disease to and for me. No matter what, I can't even take a laxitive if I need to, because I've tried and I got real shaky....it was like a drug addict with drugs! I know if I take 1....I will be hooked again! So, I just don't take any. I still catch myself with my eating habbits. I'm learning more and doing more for myself, because I have chosen to live! :o) And God has helped me through all of this each and everyday! :o) Like I said to someone yesterday, if I actually sat down and wrote down all the things that I have, it would take a long time! And I know there is a reason for each and everyone of them! I do know that I will and do talk about what I go through and have to who ever will listen, because I believe that everyone should be educated about all of this! :o) God bless you all, and thank you so much for your comments! Now I need to lay down...this took a lot out of me o write! I feel it needs to be done to help others. :o)