Saturday, August 9, 2008

what piece am I?

I would like nothing more to share with you, but as soon as I can fix my camera, You'll be the first ones to see.
One thing that I had on my mind today is if thats all I talk about is my pains and illnesses. I need to. I need to log.
In a way, it's like refreshing my soul. It really helps.

I'm still trying hard to figure out what is going on in my sleep. This is another different thing to go through. It's not sleep walking, it's not something that I'd be embarrassed about. I just wake up in the mornings to a thrown about room.
It's odd because I never seen it happen and to my knowledge no one comes into my bed room to do this.

The butterfly, in Native American culture, represents transformation and balance. This is a tough one for me in my life right now. I used to go out in the night and watch the animals coming from the sewers to find there food. In the morning and afternoon, go out in the sun work in my garden. I would rotate each year, veggies one time and then flowers the next. The soil was very fertile. Even the squills knew where to plant there peanuts. It was cute. To ground myself I would put my hands in the soil. It felt cool on my hands. I miss doing this. But, there is a way that I can feel the soil. It could be brought in the house for me.
I do know that I need a transformation. Butterfly, there are 4.
I tell myself that, "Oh, I just don't have the time." But I do have plenty of time. I just don't see it. I have so many projects that I've started, and need the love that I put in it.
Yesterday and the day before, I had to be in my wheelchair. The feeling of that, of "having" to do it makes you feel your life in such a different way. Things that I look at when I am standing, then when I'm in the wheelchair is so very different. I know that I feel like I need to stand up for someone/anyone to see me and hear me. Not so. It just comes to a matter of choice.
I am naturally a quit person. I'm not sure if that comes across or not. Yesterday my daughter was here with the kids.Kayden can do something...can't remember, sorry...but I tried it and couldn't do it. That upset my daughter.I told her last year when I did lose the things I could do with my fingers and hands.Its like, "Hey....I have hands, but can't use them properly." What I think it is, is she's never seen me not able to. It's like if, "Out of mind...". Then This morning I got a call from her letting me know how sorry she was that she couldn't help me more. I told her that shes got enough on her plate.
My mom is going to be my care giver. Shes past all the testing and now all she needs is number and shes in like flint! I know I'll be well taken care of. It will be about the same time that I'll have to be in my wheel chair more,and laying down and resting.
I had no idea how much I had written. If you got this far, thank you for listening to be. If not, I don't blame you! :o) I just have so much to say, but I don't know how to get it out and on the computer. I have to go......


hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((LISA)))))))))))))))))))))))))I know its hard for you.Just know I am here for you.

specialadyfink said...

Lisa you need to HIDE a camcorder in your room and tape what goes on at night...please for your own safety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
luv you

sugarsweet056 said...

Just stopping by to let you know I have you in my thoughts & in my prayers.
God bless,

eyesbaerle said...

It is good that you write and get your mind cleared like that.
Keep it up! I am sending my best wishes your way. Hugs, Maria

siennastarr said...

I think you do fine getting your point across, Lisa.  I'm happy to hear that your mom is finally through her testing and now you will have someone there who loves you, and will be taking good care of you.