Thursday, September 30, 2004

I'll be away today.

I have a dentist appointment today. I'll be gone the better part of the day. Nena...if you are reading this....Where are you? Please tell me. I'm very worried about you. :o( Call me..please. What is going on? I need something to let me know that you are ok. :o( I won't believe it until I hear your voice. :o(

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

My heart is hurting.

I want to be left alone today, except if you are my daughter.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Please..leave me alone for awhile.

All I want to do for the next few days, is to be alone. Unless you are my daughter. She's the only person I want to see, and hear from! Thanks.

This is why I say, Please don't take life for granted!!!!

I got an email from my daughter this morning. I never thought she could hurt me as bad as she has now! :o( The sad thing about it is, she doesn't care! :o( She doesn't care about no one, except for someone that has been known to just get mad, and kick her out! What's wrong with this picture? Hmmmm! This will take a long time for me to heal from this. A very long time!

Monday, September 27, 2004


I got a little more sleep last night. I feel a bit better. My husband and I talk to my daughter last night. It makes him feel better to hear her voice as well. We were both able to actually talk to her about the little one, and how she really needs to come here so she can go to a doctor to be checked. She doesn't understand that you absolutly have to do this. It's for the baby's health, then hers. She say's this is all happening all at once. Well....thats the way it happens! All at once! And continues. Nothing will ever stop, or slow down now. We love her so much, we really want to see her and the baby healthy. Nothing wrong with that. With yesterday for me to go over everything, including my health, my dizziness and everything else I was experiancing, I think was just plain surprised. :o) This morning my back is killing me still. I'm having pain in my left foot, left leg, and hips. Nothing out of the ordinary. Which is good. The only other thing I had yesterday happen, was anxiety. Which I also think goes along with the territory of being very surprised. :o) Our lives are forever changed! :o) I love you, Aloha! :o)

Sunday, September 26, 2004

I'm going to be a grandma!

Yesterday, my daughter asked me to call her. I did. She told me that she was pregnant. :o) I had asked her if she would come here so I could take care of her. She said she was about to ask me the samething! :o) That made me feel great! I am going to call her today, to see what's she's up to. My husband feels that she won't come, because of the strong hold that her boyfriends family has on her. I want her to prove him wrong! She will! :o) I think I'm still in a state of shock. I'm sure she is as well. Other then that yesterday, my back was still hurting. Nothing more, though. :o) Maybe this is God's way of helping me, so that I will be able to help my daughter. :o) Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

A question for all that have Fibromyalgia.

I've been having problems with things not smelling right, or not tasting the same. Does anyone that has Fibromyalgia have this problem? No, I'm not pregnent. :o)

It's Saturday!!!!!!

It's Saturday! I made it through another week. Yesterday really seemed to just drag out. I don't know why. I was probably because the fact I had gotten up so early. I layed down at 11:30, to take a nap, and didn't wake up until 3:00. My back was really bothering me as well. The same pain, just intensafied a bit. I got up this morning at 5:30. I wanted to sleep in, but I couldn't. I can't wait until we are able to move. I haven't even started packing yet. I really dread that part. Everyone does! Because there's way too much stuff in this house! You'd think I'd be looking for something else to do. But, all of our things are upstairs! Oh well. It's been a kind of rollar coaster week for me. I know I do get cabin fever still. It's because I don't get out as much. It makes me sad, and sometimes it just makes me cry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Just walk a mile in my shoes. See how you would feel. I can't talk anymore.

Friday, September 24, 2004

A lot has happened since I last wrote!

Whew.....I got up at 4:00 this morning! For some reason, I kept having an either bad dream, or one of my weird ones! I wish I could remember it, then I could just write it down, then forget about it the next time I'm asleep. If any of that makes since. I'll just try to catch a good nap today! My daughter called me yesterday morning, very early. I thought that she was still going to come up for a visit Friday night. She surprised me! YAY! That was the first time ever, that I didn't know that she was coming up. lol To me, she is very easy to read! lol She got here around 8:00 a.m. and we had a lot of fun just talking! She finally got all of her mail as well! She is still going to keep her mail coming here. Like I told my husband, when you get new mailing address cards for us, get one for her as well. We went out for lunch. It was so fun! Plus, she also noticed a difference in me! The people that don't see me as often, notice. :o) She said she read my journal, and knew that I did stop some of my medication. But she said that she had no idea that I was so much better! :o) I am! She couldn't stay very long, she said she had to leave around 2:00. :o( But, that was ok, I still was able to see her and visit with her! That person that wrote to me, thinking that all I do is dwell  on me having Fibromyalgia! I wrote them back, plus gave him some advise! I told them to read about what it is, then get back with me! I sent him a few web sites on Fibromyalgia for him! I'm not done with this person either. I will NOT have someone that never sees me, to shred me up like that! I'm a nice person, but in my life right now, don't cross me! What do I have to loose? Not one damn thing! I have to stand up for me, who else is there? Oh well, it's always the ones that really say that they are only thinking of me! Yea right! Get it straight! Geesh! You can't play me a fool anymore! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~

Thursday, September 23, 2004


I went to bed early last night. I got so tired by myself, without any medications help! I was yawning! :o) I got up this morning at 5:00. 7 hours of sleep is great! My daughter called me this morning! She's going to come up for a short visit tomorrow night! I can't wait to see her. :o) I need to add that my shoulders have stopped hurting! YAY! I haven't had to wear my sling! My thighs aren't hurting me as bad, and neither have my calves! The only things that have really been bothering me is my left foot, my hips, my back, and my left knee. Thats great! I'm doing so much better right now. I didn't get a nap yesterday, so I really will need to today. I've been keeping myself on a very strict daily routine. I feel that, thats whats helping me as well. :o) I am now monitering everything. Thats helping too. I got an email from an old friend yesterday, asking me how I was doing, good or bad. So, I wrote back, and told them, good and bad. I got a responce back, telling me that I was doing nothing but dwelling on all of my "hardships" and not looking towards my future! Then told me their motto was to have fun with life! Ok.....I fired right back to them!!! I wrote to not write to me and ask for something that they did not want to hear! Then, I told them my motto: Please don't take life for granted! Then, they wrote me back saying that "I must have missed understood" their letter! No, I read the letter, and answered all their questioned. Like I normally do. I use forward, instead of reply, so I can do that, without forgetting what the letter even says. I haven't wrote back yet. I could not believe that this person was as heartless as they were in the letter. At first, I let it hurt my feelings. I had to get off the computer for awhile. But then I thought, NO, I will not allow someone make me feel this way. To feel bad, because I have pain, and I will, until there is better medicines! This person just don't understand what it is that I actually have. I've always had to explain it in each letter. And, I did again in the last one as well. So, this person will never make me feel bad, because of what I have. It's not my fault!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Nothing in paticular.

Today is now 1 full week! YAY....I did it! :o) I am feeling so much better than I was before. Yes, I do have pains still. Because I have fibromyalgia. ....and thats it! No amount of medicines will ever take away the pain we all have with this disease. It may take me awhile to come up with something that maybe someone else already knows, but, I do get it now! Now, yesterday, my mum and sis came to visit me! It was a very nice surprise. My mum was taking us both out for lunch. :o) Thats the sis that has fibromyalgia as well. I had such a nice time! It felt really good to get out. It was very sunny, and just the right temperature! She took me to a store here in town, that is the same store she works in, in another town. Thats was nice. If I got a bit tired, I just sat down on my walker. My walker has 4 wheels, hand breaks, and a seat. Then, we went to get a chocolate sundea, and came back home. It was the "topping on the cake" for me! :o) I really love spending time with my mum. She's like my best friend as well. We sat and watched Judge Judy and had our sundea's. She had read a few entry's before this one. I think when I wrote that one, I have been just stretched to my limits. It's like I get "cabin fever" all the time. Because I don't get out like everyone else does. So, it does kind of build up inside me. And, my mum thought I might have been talking about her. lol Of course not! She now knows. :o) Oh...And so does my best friend! :o) We are getting ready to move, and thats going to be a fresh start to me. I need to start packing, and so I thought that I needed to get a few things off of my chest as well. A fresh start for me, too! Nothing is wrong with that! :o) I'm here sitting and looking out, It's not my fault! I'm just still greiving my losses. Yesterday, when I was walking, my left knee cap fell out of place! OUCHIE!!!! It made my leg go backwards, instead of stopping it!!! GROSS!!!!!! It went back on it's own, but that was one weird feeling, and it really hurt! Good Greif...I hope that isn't going to continue happening! Well...I'll wait and see! By the way...I love you Nena! I need to go now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004, 2 entry's in 1 day!

I've still been doing a lot of thinking. I just can't get my daughter off of my mind for some reason today. I've decided to just relax, take a hot bath, and just take it easy today alone. I really need to do some soul searching. I just can't get out of my head, that when I was talking to my daughter last night, I just blurted out, "Just get your bag, and come up here!" She didn't say anything. Like I said, it's what you don't say that says more. I have the shakes. I just honestly don't know what to do. I just know how much I love her! :o) I love you Nena!

What a day it was yesterday........

I'm so glad that yesterday is all over. It wasn't a very good day for me at all! Certain things just "hit" me all at once, and it brought a lot of things to surface with me. I'm doing fine with the Fibromyalgia. Same pains. See below. Besides that, just things in my life surfaced, and I faced them. Ouch! It hurts to do so. I'm only human. I got up at 5:00 this morning, because I still couldn't sleep. I talked to my daughter on the phone last night, instead of in emails, which I would rather not do. It was very good to hear her voice, but, just being a mom, as she would say, I felt as if she was not telling me something. Interigations are always needed with this one. I had to use these tactics with my son as well, plus a "pat down" at the front door. :o) A mother has to do what they have to do, for certain reasons. My concerns right now are with her, and I'm doing fine, but, they are with her right now. Even my husband felt something, because he got on the other extension to talk to her. I've told her, it's not what you say, it's what you don't say that concerns me. The planets must be in aligment for all of this! I'll have to check. A few good things happened yesterday. My best friend came over, and she told me that she might be able to stay here in town, instead of having to move to Chicago! YAY! My sister came over as well. I made dried beef & gravy, because I over heard her say that she was hungry for it. She is anorexic, and I will do all that I can to help her. So, I packed her up a little "goodie" container of the beef & gravy. Then, I was able to talk to my daughter. I went to bed at 9:45, and had layed there for over an hour. I heard my son in the kitchen, and I asked him if he would come and talk with me. I also had him on my mind. I felt better after talking to him. I was asked yesterday by my therapist, if I have nightmares. I told her no. I didn't think of the dreams I have of my children with blood all over them, in car accidents, laying in ditches, all of those are my nightmares. I still have them. I always will. So, all in all, yesterday was nothing but a normal day.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Just another day.

You know....a lot of you who read this are probably thinking, IT TOOK ME LONG ENOUGH! Well, I don't just sit around and think of these kinds of things. It hit me last night, that the people that said they'd be here for me when I got worse, (fibromyalgia) aren't here. In more ways then one. It hurts. Yes, it includes my daughter as well. What, am I too much of a pain to be around? Believe me, I hate this shit too! I've been thinking of all different kinds of ways to better myself, and my health. My sister, who promised me that she would be here to help me with my hair when I could no longer do it, she moved away. My daughter, who quit her job and had my therapist write her a letter to her work so she could come up here to help me, she moved away. I just found out that my best friend is moving to Chicago. But, thats different. She has a husband there. I heard it from my husband. I know that everyone has there own lives to live, but damit, don't tell me one thing, and do another! You know, I still have feelings. Thats added on to my pain as well! (myfriendexcluded) I think that others just see me as someone thats just going down hill, not progressing, and doing nothing to help herself. Wrong! Thats all I've been doing, THATS WHY IT TOOK SO LONG FOR IT TO HIT ME!!! Plus, who doesn't have pain here and there at times?! I'm still here! As I will always be, even when we move. But to the ones that made promises to me, think again! You know who you are. To my daughter; thanks! Thanks for NOT standing up for yourself, or ME! Who am I to you again? To my sister; thanks for your help too. Thanks for not believing me when I was diagnosed, and told others that I was adding more to it then it was. Just remember karma, what comes around, goes around. To everyone else; Thanks for not helping me, or keeping your promises! (mybestfriendnotincluded) Now, I had every right in the world to say what I've said! I guess no one thinks I read their journals. I DO! Now, on to my regular entry. Everything is still going great. I'm so glad I did what I did. :o) Yes, I still have the usual pains, but glad to report that I don't have any new ones! YAY! :o) I'm too upset right now to even write. Later.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I'm really glad I did it! :o)

Today is Sunday. I started my little project on Wednesday. I'm so glad that I did it! :o) I honestly can't say how long it's been that I've actually felt this good. :o) It's more than just "feeling", it's also NOT having some new pain just pop up everyday. Yes, I do have fibromyalgia, but, thats it, I do expect pain. With this disease, I shouldn't have any "new" pain ALL that time. Thats just my own theory, though. Yes, my shoulders, back, lower back, hips, knees, elbow, legs, left foot, and ankles do still bother me. But, thats it! Nothing new! I was expecting to feel more pain since I took myself off of the medicines. But, I haven't. :o) So, that tells me, I DON'T NEED IT in my body! Like I said before, I'll give this a full week. Then tell my doctor my findings. I am still going to do that. What's it going to hurt, his feelings? I highly doubt it. He will probably like what he sees, then to see me in his office in pain. :o) If not, oh well! I don't want others doing this because I am. are more then likely on different medications....!  I just want to make that clear! Whew! I'm going to go play a few games now. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday, September 18, 2004

It's cold...and it feels good to me! :o)

I'm still doing fine with my medicine change. I honestly don't know how I let another doctor do this to me. I'm just glad that I "un-did" it to myself. I'm so tired of being someones guinae pig. I like the way I'm doing now. I can actually feel cold! :o) I am usually overheating. It's 46 out right now, and I feel the coldness! YAY! It's about time! In fact, I just got up at 7:30! I went to bed at 10:45. I've been sleeping, to me, normal! :o) I'm better during the day that way. I still take a nap as well. :o) It's like I have to where everything is "clockwork!" On schedual! I like it that way. But, as always, I am still having the same pain. If you think about it, that means I didn't gain any new pain! Very good! :o) I have what I'm used to, and no more added pain, nor swellings! I haven't swelled in a few days now! YES! :o) I'm done now...

Friday, September 17, 2004

.....and I'm still doing fine.

Since it's now been two days now with my own set of medication, I'm doing fine. I've only noticed one thing, my shaking. Thats nothing all that new anyways. It's only withdrawels right now. Nothing I can't handle. In bed last night, I sweated so badly, my sheets need changed. P U! Yukie! I'm just on the medicines that I was originally on. The ones that my neuro gave me. Thats it. Only the samethings are still hurting. (see below if you don't know) I went to bed at 10:00 last night, and got up at 6:00 this morning. I feel thats good. Better than I have been sleeping. I called my daughter yesterday. She was at work, and when she came home, she called me back. It was so so good to hear her voice! :o) She was tired, because of work. So I let her go so she could take a nap. We are still looking for a house to suit us. It's harder then we thought, well, then I thought. My stress is not seeing my daughter, and my husbands is finding a house to live in. Thats on my mind as well, but not as much as his, becasue I trust him to get us someplace. He's never let me down before. I'm done for now.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

It's been 24 hours now, and so far, so good.

Today has been normal for me. Yes...the same old pains. I have a bad feeling that they won't go away. My back is a bit swollen, as if I didn't know. My physical therapist let me know. shoulders, left elbow, upper arms, left foot, lower back, and my legs. And, some swelling! Hey, we got have that as well! NOT! It's been over 24 hours without all of my pills. So far, I've been better! My husband noticed it last night. More important, I AM NOTICING IT!!!! I'm just taking what I USED to take. Not a dozen pills everynight! Somethings wrong, I feel, if that seems to be the case! And my doctor said he didn't want to put on anymore medicines? Hmmm...well, so far he's put me on 4 more! NO MORE! I've taken over! I had to take back my body! I could feel that if I didn't, the pills would have killed me!  Let alone the stress I'm under! I'm getting tired on my own. Thats such a good feeling again. I took a nap yesterday, and I plan to take one today. I got tired on my own, last night also. No one knows how good it feels to yawn because you are tired! It used to be, take me meds, go to bed because THEY made me tired. Not now! I got up this morning at 8:30! YAY! I'm done now.......

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Sugar does NOT make the medicine go down!

Yesterday, I had an appointment to see an eye specialist. He told me what I already knew. Thats fine. But, The pain of my muscles cramping up, because of the heat, and my legs, ankles and feet swelling, was not worth it. :o( No one actually realizes how hard it is on me, to do anything! After my doctor changed my medicine's once again, I've been miserable, scared to lay down, and swelling, and not sleeping! Well, I need to not be miserable, nor scared, and I have to at sometime in my life, lay down, and sleep! Wouldn't you think that would be a safe assumption? I do! I am the only one that knows my one else does. What I did this morning is started putting the medicine in my pill boxes that I was taking, before all of this non sence took place! I'm taking over MY body again! No one else will do it ever again! I will not be afraid to lay down, (because of my breathing) I will be able to sleep again, and, I will not be miserable! So, out of 12 bottles of pills I have sitting in front of me right now, I have only 4 that I am going to take! Thats it! I am very serious! Yes, I am in a lot of pain this morning. My left knee was in so much pain, once again, it woke me up. Then my right shoulder, then my back. Again, it took me around 20 minutes to get out of my bed! Of course, the usual is still in a lot of pain. My shoulders, back, hips, legs, knees, and my left foot, and my right ankle. I'm also still swollen from yesterday. It got so bad last night, my thighs were too far apart from one another, I had a very hard time just walking to my bathroom! Thats not good! Yes mum, after you left, I put in a dvd, and was laying on the couch with my legs up, and Sheba and I watched The Lady Killers! :o) Sheba loved it! lol But yes, if the swelling doesn't even go down just a little bit, even when you have your legs above your heart, somethings WRONG! I'm angry at myself for NOT pushing my doctor enough, to take me off of some of my medicines. I'm not beating my self up over it, just hind-sight got the best of me. I did, however, have fun yesterday with my mum, and my sister. :o) Even when I looked like that girl in the Movie, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that ate the blueberry candy and ballooned up! ^*^*^**^*^*^*^*Gone*^*^***^*^**^^* 

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Just another entry.

This is just another day. I have an eye apointment this morning at 10:30. yay. Last evening, I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. The only thing I did that was maybe different was to keep my aol on. I was coming in to check to see if my daughter had been on or not. Nope. I will do that at times, keep aol on just for certain reasons. Even while I take a nap. So, if it shows that I'm on line, It doesn't mean that "I" am. I did take a nap. I woke up all sweaty. I had my air on, plus my fan! I don't know why I was so hot! This isn't fun. I then got up, and my husband was home. I ate dinner, and started to just watch t.v. I would come in here, periodicly, just to check to see if my daughter had been on. nope. My hips were really giving me fits! Of course my legs as well. Then as the evening turned into night, my left shoulder started in on me! I'm really getting tired of doctors telling me that this medicine will work, and stop this medicine, and take this medicine, and I'll feel better, because it's going to take some pain away...blah blah blah!!!! I've heard enough!!! I've had enough!!! I've had my share of medicine!!! I couldn't get to sleep right away for a nap yesterday, because I had a hard time breathing! Last night, when I went to bed, I couldn't get to sleep, because I had a hard time breathing again! I was gasping for air! I not going to be a guinae pig anymore! One of these days, it's going to cost me my life!!! I've had it! My stomach has bloated, and it's because of the medicine THATS SUPPOSE TO TAKE AWAY MY PAIN!!!!!!! WELL, IT HASN'T!!!! Either have the pain, or not be able to breath...hmmmm, thats a hard desicion!!! This is it! I'm cutting down the medicines my self! :o(

Monday, September 13, 2004

Alright...who ordered the pain with a headach on the side?

I got out of bed at 5:00 this morning. You know, that makes for a long day! Not at all what I like! Who am I kidding any ways, I'll always have problems sleeping. I just have to except it, and go on my way. I still have a headach, which is not a good thing. It's making me sick to my stomach. I don't like those kind. I'm on too much medicine as it is, and I don't want to take a migrane pill on top of all the other meds. And it wouldn't be like topping it off with a cherry! My physical therapist was just here. Boy that felt good for the pain she puts me in. When she gives me the massage, It hurts, because of my muscles are all balled up. But, it's a good pain, if that makes since. :o) Because then, I feel better for a few minutes to a few hours. Give or take. Yes, my lower back, hips, legs, shoulders, and left foot, and right ankle, {{{taking a breath}}} and arms hurt today! The new medicine my doctor gave me was suppose to the pain? At least that's what he told me. Hmmmm. Something is wrong with this picture! IT'S NOT WORKING! But, I'll give it a try. What the hell. I'm nothing but a guinea pig anyhow. The new medicine that he put me on is Remeron, then he raised my Neurontin to 600/mg, 3 times a day! I'm not a horse! Thats a lot! You know somethings weird when you start to see double! And I am! Plus dizzy! Put the two of them together, then add the rest of the other medicine's side effects, then you have a train reck! If I sitting, I'm just dizzy, and I see double. When I'm up walking, I'm dizzy, and I see double. I'm not sure which one is the safest yet! sitting, or walking. So far, I've been sitting. I also have the shakes today. I don't know why. Thats all together something else! Well, yesterday, we went and looked at a house. I absolutly love it! We will know sometime this week if we get it or not! It's what we were looking for. I just dread the move. Good Greif! But, I'm still excited! :o) It gives me something to look forward to. :o) I'm going now. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~

Sunday, September 12, 2004 add a headach to all my pain I'm having! Great!

I woke up with this terrible almost a migrane, headach! Just what I needed to add on to the pain I'm still having. :o( Yesterday, My right foot was very swollen, and my left thigh! Ok...that was strange. It felt it as well. My foot was so bad, I couldn't bend my toes. I'm waiting for a break. At least maybe 15 minutes would be nice. The pain is getting so bad, that it's making my stomach feel sick. I diffently don't need to get sick. I'm wearing a pair of sunglasses too. I have a small lamp on, and that is killing my eyes! I also found out yesterday that my daughter is having a very bad time, with her boyfriend! I told her that everything in her bedroom, which is a lot, will go with us when we move. She is not allowed to take anything in this house of hers out of here! We are doing this because of her boyfriend! To make a long story short, she understands, and was not mad about it, and is also glad that we are doing this. That just comfirms my suspisions. We talked on the phone for at least 2 hours! She told me so much, I want her here for her own safty! She did agree, but she also said that she didn't know of a way to do it. Just like when she had to live with her dad. It's the exact same thing! All she's doing is getting sick, having stomach cramps, and has diarrhea! She can't loose weight. Plus, the whole family is playing head games with her! She needs to get back here before it gets physical! She said that she understands this. I think we found a house! It has 4 bedrooms and looks to be as big as this house! YAY! This way, both kids will still have their bedrooms too! :o) We go to look at it today, at 12:30! I can't wait! It's another corner house, which I like because you only have one house to your side. :o) It has a new roof and a 2 car garage, a deck, and everything we need! I can't wait to go through it! While there, since I have to use a walker, I can see if it's big enough for that as well. Oh well. I need to go now. My arms are hurting. Geesh! Give me a break here!

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Still not very good :o(

I'm so glad that today is Saturday. Because my husband is home. I am not very well again today! Uugghh! What woke me up again this morning was pain! This time pain in my left elbow. I had a very hard time even moving my arm! Then when I moved to get up, it then was my left knee, my back, and my hips. I felt like a turtle on it's back! I couldn't get up. I layed there for almost an hour before I could even move enough to get out of bed! Thats pretty bad! I have a web site that I would like everyone that reads this journal, to go to and try it. It's what I go through in my days. I wish there were more on that site, but, it is just enough to be in my world for a few minutes.

Click on the link, and please go to it! Or, copy the link, and paste it in your web browser. I would appreciate it if everyone would try it. If this morning is a glimps of what today is going to be for me, I wish I could just go away, and not come back. I woke up at 4 :35. I got out of bed at 5:30! I was on line checking my mail at 7:00! Gee, what a slow morning. I only hope that my left arm will not stay the way it is! Or go on to the right arm. Wearing my sling doesn't even help it. :o( All I want is one day to be "normal" again. I would do so much in just the 24 hours I would have! I know I wouldn't sleep! I would just do everything I used to be able to do! :o) But, it will never happen. Just in my dreams it does. :o( Thats all I have left, my dreams. Better then nothing I suppose. I'm grieving the loss of the use of my legs and my hips and legs right now. It's so hard to describe to someone the loss of your hips. Who would imagine what your hips really do for you. A lot more then you think. They help you walk. So does your legs. Just don't take anything for granted. I used to. I look back now, and ask myself why did I ever in my life, do such a thing! You should praise God for what you have! You don't realize what you have, until you loose it. Just stop taking things for granted! Please! Even me, I thank God every morning for being alive, even if i'm on my back for almost an hour! I can still breath! One day, He might just take that away as well. But, until then, I thank Him. I'm done for now.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Not very good today. :o(

Today is not a very good day already! I didn't sleep well, because of so much pain through out my whole body. :o( I got up at 5:00. I went to bed at 11:30, so I suppose thats plenty of sleep for me. I just got up because I thought if I was up, I'd feel a little better. Nope! Of coures not! My whole back is hurting me very bad. Yesterday, my physical therapist said that my lower back was very swollen. But I'm wondering if my whole back is now. Boy it hurts so bad! Even laying in bed, my shoulders were hurting me, when I wasn't doing anything! My arms were down at my sides! Of course my hips, the pain was getting unbarable! My legs and knees! My left knee cap, kept falling out of place, then I would have to pull it back were it belonged! Boy, the pain of that is undescribable! I feel that I am in full body exacerbation! Right now, besides all of the other pain I described, my left arch, and foot is hurting! Oh Man This hurts so bad! At least I can type today. Thats at least one good thing I can do without hurting. I really wish that I could describe my pain enough that the people that read this journal could actually feel what I'm going through. Not all the time, just for a few seconds. Thats all, because I DO NOT wish this on anyone! I'm not trying to have a pity party for me either, just trying to describe what is happening to me. And it really hurts very badly! I was actually able to take a nap yesterday. YAY! I slept so long! My husband said that he was just about ready to try to wake me up, because he was getting worried about how long I was sleeping! Whew! I got up at 7:30 p.m.! That was a very long time! But, I think my body needed it. From the way I was feeling when I was in bed, I'm glad I took a nap, because I might have felt worse! I honestly wouldn't know how, but it could have happened. :o( Oh well. I think I will go for now, my hands are starting to get tired on me. Byeeee!

Thursday, September 9, 2004 I know what really being a space case is!

Wooooo! I started my new medicine yesterday, but not all of it. I will be taking it all today. Just what I took yesterday really made me a space case! I know I just sat here with nothing on my mind, and no expression either! It did work on making my pain better! Because I was so out of it, I didn't know anything, or feel anything, I just was here! Thats it! I did feel some pain. Like my shoulders were hurting pretty badly. I needed to wear my sling, but hey....who was going to get it? I couldn't. I could see it. My husband and my son were both at work. I was here alone! I really think that today I will just go to bed, and try to sleep it off. That sounds like a good idea. :o) I think I'll go now. I really can't type right now.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

I guess I'll see what happens.....

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. He listened to me, about me wanting to go off of two medications. But, He raised a dose of one med. and took me off of one, and then added a medication. I'll see if this will work for me. It's to take pain away that I'm in, as much as possible. Plus, raise the pain threshold. If the doctors keep trying to raise my "pain threshold" any higher, it will be behind me! But, I do like the idea of trying a new medication, I think. Something just has to work sometime. I know it's out there somewhere. I really like this doctor, so I will try what he does give me. I like him, but I never said trust him, yet! That will come soon. So far, he's gaining my trust. :o) I got up this morning at 7:30! But, I didn't get to bed until 11:30. Thats still more sleep than I usually get. I just couldn't get to sleep last night for some reason. I went to bed at 11:30, but I layed there for a while. I loved that my mum, fluffed my bed pillow! :o) That felt so good! And I got in bed, before Sheba did! Ha! lol Sheba is my dog, and she always gets in or on the fluffed bed before I do! Not this time! lol If you've been reading my journal, then you already know what is hurting on me. Yes, it's all still the same. My lower back, my hips, and my legs, and add on my left arch on my foot, and the bottom of my right foot. Oh, I can't leave out my shoulders. My right eye feels very blurry again this morning. It might be because it also feels dry. I see a new eye doctor next week. Oh how I love to see them as well. Thats one thing you can't close your eyes on. If they are in your eye doing something, you're going to see it! My mum took me to Wal Mart after my doctors appointment yesterday. I think she got to see what it's like for a person that uses a wheel chair, or is just handicaped. The rudness of people is surprisingly high! Plus, I've had worse days then yesterday! Yes, it does make you feel less then a human. People that doesn't need to park in a handicap parking space, and the people inside the store. It gets so bad, sometimes I feel that it's just not worth it. I'm still a human being, just like everyone else. At least that hasn't been taken from me. This is my life. And, this is just the everyday shit that I have to deal with. If you don't experiance it, then you'll never really know what it's like.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 was a good day.

Ok, this is Tuesday. I have a doctors appointment today at 1:15. With my family doctor. I want to ask him about the medicine that he put me on. It doesn't work, so why even take it. I was in more pain yesterday, then I was on Sunday. I suppose thats par for the course! My body is getting back to the way it was, before Saturday. Of course, why would I expect anything else. :o( I went to bed a little bit earlier last night. I got up at 4:15 this morning. My room is about 68 in here. It say's it's 68 out side as well. But it sure feels hot in here! Again, the usual is in pain again. I don't even have to write it. It would be easier, and a lot less if I wrote what doesn't hurt. I made home made vegetable soup yeserday. We gave some to my husband's parents and his brother. We all ate, and I have a lot still left! I've never knew how "not" to make a little bit of home made soup. I always make enough for an Army! lol It really hit the spot. And thats what I did yesterday. Plus, I took an early nap. I was so sleepy after a few hours when I got up. I went to lay down arount 9:30. I woke up at 3:30! Thats a long nap! My body must have needed it. It needs a lot more than a nap. Well...I need to go now.

Monday, September 6, 2004

Finally, a relaxing day! YAY!

This is Monday. My husband is home with me still! He had a 4 day weekend! YAY! This morning I slept in until 6:30! Wow! I'm so glad. :o) Plus, yesterday I was able to climb the stairs to the bathroom up there. It has the bath tub! I'm not a shower person, I'd much rather take a bath then a shower. I did it yesterday! YAY! My husband helped me with my things, and he got my walker for me as well. OMG! I took a nice hot bath, with calgon! It felt so good! But, calgon brought me back! :o) It took me away, then brought me back. :o) I don't know a word that would describe how I felt afterwards, but the closest would be almost normal again. But not, because I could still feel my pain. But, my muslces weren't as tight, and I could move so much better! I layed down for a nap. When I woke up, I really felt my pain all over again! But, it was so nice to just have that feeling once again after my hot bath. When I got out of bed, I was walking and I could really feel the muscles all over my body that were balled up! eeeww! They were the deep ones. Then when I got to the living room and sat down, a few places started hurting all over again. :o( Like my lower back, my hips, and my legs, and also my arms. My arms felt real heavy. So, most of my day was good. :o) I was really relaxed as well. Just too bad that the bath tub isn't down here, on the first floor. Well, I'm going now. Byeeee!

Sunday, September 5, 2004

Wow! What a Day I had! :o)

I got up at 6:30 this morning! YAY! I slept in! :o) I'm was just probably worn out. The photo above, is my younger sister, and my mum! :o) They were taking a break. We all went to the Heritage Festival together. The festival itself wasn't like it used to be, but, with what they had out there, we were still able to get a few things. But, what the festival is SUPPOSED to be about are the Native Americans that settled this land, and named this town. I was looking for insence and oils that I always buy there. I always wait the whole year to go out there just for certain things that you can't buy anywhere else. There wasn't even any kiniknik. You smoke it. It relaxes me. I don't have all the herbs to make it myself. I think the most fun I had was my sister pushing me in my wheel chair! lol I couldn't stop laughing last night when I was telling my husband about it. :o) She may be skinny, but she had me going fast! lol Now the part that I am paying for. Even though I never walked, and I was only in my wheel chair, I got so worn out! I'm paying today! Lets just say that eveything is hurting! My back, hips and legs, are of course hurting the worst. My shoulders and arms are as well. I will ware my sling today. My feet still are bothering me! I just can't figure that one out! And the arches! I don't get it. Well...I don't understand what I have, either. I do wish that someone that has fibromyalgia, and reads this, could relate to some of my problems, and email me. I know there are some that do, because I did meet a very nice lady that also has MS, and we do correspond. I talked to my daughter this morning for the first time in a few days since her boyfriend has been home. I strongly believe that she needs to get all of her things, and get the hell away from him, and his family! He hasn't been home a week yet, and he's back to his old self! For her safty, she needs to get far away, and thats here, her home! God Bless her. I worry about her so much. :o( I think I'm going to leave now.....SHOWS OVER! :o)

Saturday, September 4, 2004

What do I really have?

Ok, what do I really have? I am having problems with anything that anyone can mention at this point. I just don't understand it. Is this what fibromyalgia is? I got up this morning at 3:30. Nothing really out of the ordinary. I'm having troubles with my depth perseption. I don't know how many times that I've over poured my coffee cup. Yes I do, everytime I filled it. To touch anything, it's like it's either too close to me, or too far away from me. It's way off. Thats not very good. I can hurt myself this way. I have before. Yesterday, I actually defecated myself! I ruined more clothes! Today, I need to go and get some more personal things. I've so had it with urinating, and defecating myself! Does anyone else do this with fibro? I'd love to know. Yes, I still have the usual pains in my back, hips, and legs. And both of my feet, my arches! Those hurt beyond belief! My shoulders, as well as my arms and neck! What else doesn't hurt? I'm not trying to be synical, just trying to get all of this off of my mind. And maybe, someone else who has fibromyalgia could let me know if they have the samethings happening, as I do. But, my husband was home with me yesterday! :o) YAY! That really relaxes me when he's home. I did, however, have a good deep sleep nap. :o) He went to a realter and told them what we are looking for in a house, and the amount. He actually went and seen a house after the meeting! He said it was way too small for us. Last night, we were on line looking at photo's of houses, and what they offer. That was fun for me! :o) We wrote down the ones that meet our needs, and he's going to drive by some of them. This is almost exciting. Then un-exciting part is packing! We've lived here for so long, we have accumulated so much. I don't know how we are ever going to pack it all. But, we will some how. Today, my mum, and sisiter might go to The Heritage Festival today! YAY! I love going. :o) This year, I'll have to use my wheel chair to get around in. Thats fine with me, as long as I get to go. :o) But, I also need to go somewhere to get a few things for the month. I will eventually. Got to go! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*

Friday, September 3, 2004

Feeling not so lumpy. :o)

Today is Friday! YAY! And, my husband took today off! Another YAY! Yesterday, I went to my appointment. It didn't take very long at all. When I got home, I was so hot, I took my clothes off and put on a nice and cool cotton night gown! :o) Much better! Then I stayed in the living room. I had gotten my pillow from my bed, and a flanel sheet, and layed on the couch. We have a sectional, and the corner is the most comfortable. And thats where I layed. :o) I had my iced tea and ciggs too. I found a movie on t.v. to watch! Payton Place! I love that movie! :o) So, me and my dog Sheba, layed there and watched the movie. :o) My dog loves the flanel sheet. lol :o) I layed there on the couch for about 3 hours. It seemed to help my pain in my body a bit. I had to cancel my physical therapy appointment, so my body is in a lot of pain! Now, both of my shoulders are hurting. I did wear my sling most of the day yesterday on my left arm. This morning, it feels like I need to wear one on both. Oh sure! I wonder why there isn't any medicines just for fibromyalgia? There is for about everything else. Oh well. Maybe one of these days, there will be something. And, both of the bottoms of my feet are hurting! Just like my left foot. Great. Of course the usual lower back, hips, and legs are killing me. I'm starting to get used to the fact that my lower back, hips, and legs will always hurt. The palms of my hands hurt as well. You know, thats one weird feeling too! Theres nothing that I can think of to help them. Strange! One day, I know my miricle will happen. :o)

Thursday, September 2, 2004

A little less pain today.

It was a very hard day for me yesterday. Either I layed down, and was in pain, or sit up, and still be in pain. Nothing was any different, so I did both. I go stir crazy if I have to be stuck in bed. The day before last, my daughter called me to let me know she was going to go to Georia to pick up her boyfriend! Wow! It's finally happening. Of course, thats what she says too. I didn't see my son much yesterday. He rented The Passion of Christ. I will get that movie! He said it was real good, but very "gorry." Which is how it was. I can't even explane all of the pain I was in yesterday. I wore my sling on my left arm. It kind of helped. A little bit of help is good. I layed down and slept for as long as I could. I thought that maybe that would work in helping some of the pain to go away. Nope. It didn't. :o( My husband came home right when I was sitting on the edge of my bed, getting up. I told him my day. He told me that my face looked different. Like swollen in many different areas, but not my whole face. eeewww! I thought my eyes looked weird as well. He asked me if I needed him to do anything for me, like rub my back. At first I said no. Then as it got later, I changed my mind. I asked him if I could take him up on that. :o) Each time that he rubs my back or something, it's always a different area. It throws him off. :o) I showed him were to rub, by using his back. Then he could do it better that way. OH BOY!!! OUCHIE!! It hurt so bad! He hit a spot that was so sore, I jumped a bit and started crying. He said that he couldn't believe how hard he had to push on me to rub! Because when we were first married, I weighed 95 pounds, my normal weight. He gave me a hug one night, and accidently broke two ribs! :o) lol But last night, it bothered him that he had to push so hard. He told me that he was afraid of hurting me. Plus, it upset him that I asked him to push harder, because I couldn't feel it. He asked if I was still numb. Yes I am. He told me to get that appointment ready at the Cleveland Clinic. He didn't like seeing me this way. Neither do I. :o( This Morning, I can type a little bit better. But I'm still in pain, but not such a high manner. I'm glad, because I have an appointment today at 1:00. Oh well. I need to go now. ~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

.....again, get me through this day!

What a morning this is so far! My whole body is in pain! It feels like I'm going into an exasurbation! That is the ultimate hurt! My tail  bone and my hips seem to be the worst. And the rest of my back as well. My shoulders and arms, and my legs. My neck even feels all bulked up! :o( I can barely move. I can move my eyes, and some of the lower part of my arms. I don't know what to do when I get this bad. I guess get into bed, like my physical therapist tells me I should do. I could feel it start last night. Boy, I'm in pain! I need to go, I'm having a hard time writing. I think I'll just get back in bed, and stay there!!! :o(