Wednesday, November 30, 2005

A very good day! :o)

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in awhile! :o) Pain wise no, but the rest was great! :o) I'm so happy that we now have a Christmas tree! :o) I wanted one so bad for my grandson's first Christmas this year, and thanks to my best friend, we now have one! :o) Good things happen to those who wait. :o) And I waited for two years. We didn't have one last year, but this year meant more to me because of my grandson. :o) It's our little tradition, my kids and I have always decorated the tree every year. And this time my grandson helped too! :o) It was so adorable! He loved it! :o) After we were all done, we had lunch, and my grandson took a nap. My daughter brought over a movie that I've wanted to see, and her and I watched it. :o) It was good! I'd love to see it again! Whew! We all had such a great time! :o) It was so nice and relaxing for me. :o) I really needed that. :o)

My stress level is finally going down. :o) YAY! :o) So far so good on nothing "stupid" happening. That really helps with my pain level as well. I'm the type of person that does not put up a front for people, I am who I am to everyone. You either like me, or you don't. Thats how I am. And I don't care if you do or don't, because I won't change the way I am or live my life for someone else. :o) I've always been that way, and so is my husband and kids, :o) I feel that, thats the way it should be. :o) So, the things I do write in my entries are very true, and what I am going through. So I'm the same way when I write, I won't change the way I am for no one. You either like what I write, or you don't. :o) I have helped a lot of other people with fibro through this journal, and others that just go through the smae things I do in my everyday life as well. :o) I thought I'd write that so the ones that read this might know me a bit better. :o)

After my daughter left yesterday, I was in a bit more pain. I already knew I would be by helping with the tree. But it was so worth it. :o) I'm getting so used to having this pain, it's just a part of my life. I was so exhausted as well. I went to bed pretty early. My right upper side woke me up with pain again. I'm going to try and take a nap today to just rest up my body, it reaaly needs it. So, I'll be spending my time in my bed reading today. :o) So today should be another good day. :o) God bless you, and all comments are welcome. :o)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Another entry.......

All in all, yesterday was a pretty good day. :o) My best friend came over for coffee. The place where her daughter works had an old Christmas tree that they were going to throw away. She asked me if I knew of anyone that needed a tree. I told her we did! :o) We have a Christmas tree now!!! Yay! :o) I'm so excited over it! :o) My daughter is coming over today to do her laundry. So, she and my son can help me decorate it! :o) My mom came over to visit me as well yesterday. :o) She got the job she wanted! YAY!!! :o) I'm so happy for her! We talked, and I just let her know that all I wanted is for the person I typed the letter for should know the truth. Then that mess will be over. Whew! Talking in person is so much better then through stupid emails. I just don't want anymore lies told. Not fair to me at all.

So I had a pretty much relaxing day. Not bad at all! :o) Finally! :o) My massage therapist is on vacation this week, so I'm going to have to rough it out all week! Yikes! But I can do it. :o) I'm still having the same pain in the same places as I have been. Just thankful that nothing new has popped up. :o) The only problem that I really was having a lot of problems with yesterday was the fibro fog again. I really had a hard time talking. Thats just gets frustrating. And sometimes embarrassing. Oh well, just apart of my life. :o) I woke up at 2:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep because of the pain in my upper body. I couldn't find a comfortable spot to lay in. I'll try to get a nap in today. :o)

Today all I have planned is to get a nap in, decorate the tree, and spend time with my grandson and my kids. :o) Sounds like a good day to me. I just hope that what I have planned will go through, and no "surprises!" I hope that everyone has a good day, and God bless. :o)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Just to talk...........

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. :o) Nothing stupid happened, finally. :o) My husband and I finished putting up the Christmas lights. Boy was I still very sore from the day before. But it's finally done! :o) Yay! My daughter came over last night and my grandson seen all the lights and was so excited! :o) lol It was so adorable! :o) We gave them some extra turkey that we still had left to take home with them. We still have so much left overs in the fridge. lol My son is putting a hurt on it though! :o)

My pain level is still high. I'm still working on getting it down by trying to get most of the stress out of my life. ( Keyword: trying ) I'm just glad that yesterday was a good one for me with the stress factor. My whole upper body is still in exacerbation. My back and hips are still really bad, but today I plan to rest in bed. Well, thats about all for now. :o) God bless you all. :o)

.................................................I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my own ship.

                                    - Louisa May Alcott

Sunday, November 27, 2005


All I want to do right now is just scream as loud and as hard as I can! And ask, "WHY?!" I was having an ok day yesterday. My husband and I where putting Christmas things out, and he put the lights out side for me. I love this time of year. :o) I had to quit because of the pain in my upper stomach area, and in my back and hips. But we are going to finish it today. Then, I get a phone call from my daughter. She is visiting her relatives south of here. She went on line to check her email. Oh GEE, guess what she got?! ANOTHER email from our nieghbors!!!! WHY?! She has asked our nieghbor for a one of a kind picture back that she was holding for her for when she had room for it. She's had asked her weeks ago. And this was in the summer when "we" were friends. Since my daughter has moved, she wanted it. Well, The email said that they were going through their closet and "accidentally" threw it away! Ok, does that make sense? NO! If YOU knew you threw it away, then it's NOT an accident! How stupid do they think we are? And then to email that to her letting her know this?! It's never ending! I honestly don't know what to do. My daughter is very upset over this matter. It was something she can never have replaced. I'm livid! What do you do with neighbors like this? I have no idea! We don't talk to them or acknowledge them.

Then, my mom has hurt me once again! I did what she wanted me to do, and now she's acting like I'm the bad person! I just don't get it. We used to be very close...I guess she's changed her mind on that one too. And that really hurts me too. :o( What it all comes down to is she isn't speaking to my other sister because of my one sister that lives with her, and...she isn't telling her "friend" the truth about what she wanted me to do for her! So, from what I'm getting is that she has "chosen" -(for lack of a better word)-to assiated with only my sister that lives with her, because she says that she "needs" HER right now?! Not any of her other daughters?! So she's using the one thats living with her for help with money, and now just done with us? And we are the ones that she asked to do that favor for her! Now she doesn't want to face the fact that of what she's done to us. Or the truth about this situation! It's so confusing to me and my other sister! I guess she's done using us for what she wanted us to do. :o( So, yes my sister is very hurt and so am I! Plus, we are very confused over all of this shit with her! If I actuall knew what she is doing and why, maybe I'd understand why she has made such a choise, but she won't talk to me about it. Good Greif! She needs to tell the truth to my sister thats living with her and to her "friend!" Thats what would make this situation more clear and probably over with. Which I would love to have happen! Because I can't take this stress anymore! And my mom of all the people knows that!

And I was having such a good day yesterday until all of this bull starts up once again. I just don't know what to do about the neighbors. Any suggestions? And it seems that the situation with my mom is a lost case now. It really hurts. :o( If she only knew how much. :o( Today will be a better day! This stress has to pass! It's hurting my body very bad! My husband see's this and is not happy with any of these situations that are going on! He see's what it's doing to me. Thats why he's helping me with putting out the Christmas things this weekend. People- get a grip on your own lives and leave others out of it! God bless you all. Please all comments are welcomed.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Yesterday was just another day to me. I'm just so glad that I had such a good time on Thursday. I so needed it. Now everything is back to the same old stuff. I still have alot on my mind about a certain matter that has not been settled with my mom. As soon as that situation is over, my stress level shoulf go way down. Then my body can feel a bit better. My massage therapist came at 4:00 yesterday instead of in the morning. And YEPPERS....It hurt like hell! My husband was here and heard me scream and yell. After she left, he asked if I was ok, and I told him that this is what I go through everytime she comes. He helped me to sit down and got things that I needed. :o) He knows that I'm in pain everyday, but I don't think he realized what I have to go through with my therapist. He knows now. It hurt him to see me like that. He just kept asking me if there was anything he could do for me, and then he would stop himself and say, "I'm sorry, I know that there isn't anything." That was so sweet of him to help as much as he did. :o) Of course, I didn't do anything the rest of the day. I just sat on my chair and watched t.v. She even had to massage the palms of my hands. I had 3 in my right, and 2 in my left. So needless to say, I was having a hard time using my hands. It also seemed that I was having a pretty hard time yesterday with this "fibor fog." I would be talking, and then I'd lose what ever it was I was going to say. Thats so frustrating to me. So, I just stoped talking. It made me feel better. It gets so bad at times, I feel so stupid about myself. Even though I know I can't help it, it just really gets to me. Oh well, thats just apart of my life. I guess thats all for now. God bless you all. All comments are welcomed. :o)

Friday, November 25, 2005

Finally...a normal day! YES! :o)

Yesterday was so much better then the days I've been having. :o) Whew! I needed that. Nothing stupid happened. :o) Everything turned out like it was suppose to. Whew! I was just a bit late on the cooking, but that was just fine. :o) I haven't eaten that much in months! lol :o) I'm still very full! lol My daughter stopped by before going to her fathers house, so I was able to see them, and my son and his girl friend stayed for dinner. :o) My sister and her boy friend came as well! That was the first time that I met him, and he fits right into our family! lol :o) Thats so cool! My husband and I really liked him a lot! :o) The day really wore me out, and I was in a lot of pain, but I was having so much fun. :o) Everyone had me laughing so hard! It hurt to laugh, but oh well. Laughing is so much better then being upset. :o) My massage therapist is coming today again. This is really going to hurt! Yikes! My husband has today off, so he will be able to help me through the day. :o) I actually had 8 and a half hours of sleep last night! YESSS! :o) I was relaxed enough to actually sleep, plus I founf a good spot to lay, and stayed there all night. :o) I did have another accident, I urinated myself again, but I'm so used to that. Just part of fibro I guess. Well, I guess thats all for now. God bless you all. :o) All comments are welcomed! :o)

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :o)

Last night when my husband came home, I was able to calm down and get busy with finishing my cooking for today. I was also baby sitting my grandson! :o) When he was taking a nap, I crawled in bed with him and took one too, so I could rest up more. I really needed it. I really am so glad that my son was here all day! He helped me so much with everything! :o) I wouldn't have gotten much done at all if it wasn't for him helping me. I was baby sitting because my daughter was getting one of her Christmas presents from her boy friend! A tatoo! lol :o) It is beautiful! :o) Then when she got here, she was helping me out as well. :o) Both of my kids were worried about me. They could actually see the large lumps on my upper stomach area and ribs sticking out! They were, and they were hurting very bad. when my husband got home, he helped me out as well. :o) Things started to go more on time. I always put the turkey in the oven at 10:00 at night, and cook all night on 250 degrees, and by the morning it's almost done. :o) Since I don't sleep well, thats what works for me. :o) Well, I was late on getting it all done. At one time when I was in the kitchen starting the dressing, I almost passed out. All I could do was to hang on to the counter and yell for my husband. He helped me to sit down, and I started to feel better. My sister also called me, and she was making me laugh! :o) It hurt to laugh, but it did cheer me up a lot! :o) I really needed that! Between my sister and my family being here, they helped me to calm down so much. I am so thankful for them! :o) They are the ones that live with me and know me! That really counts. :o) After getting the dressing done, I got them in the oven. Then I took another break. More things needed to get done, so I went back to the kitchen to help out my husband. He was in that kitchen all night helping me! Bless his heart! Thats even after a 10 hour day at work too! :o) Got the dressing out of the oven at 11:00. Then was able to get the turkey in. I was only one hour late. Not bad for the day I had yesterday! :o) The pain in the whole upper body is what woke me up this morning. But, thats my life. I have to keep going no matter what. :o) God bless you all, and all coments are welcome. :o)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wednesday-Kick me in the ASS DAY!

Well, I had that feeling that today wouldn't be that much different then yesterday! My mom told me to do something for her, so I did. Now, it's all turned around on ME! I told the truth, and now it's time for someone else to tell the truth! My massage therapist told me today to try to use my walker and wheel chair, because I'm that bad! But, she said if I had someone to push me in the wheel chair then I could use it, but I don't. And I'm not able to use my walker as well, because using either of them takes my upper body strength and muslces to use. Ummm, well, I don't have that right now because I'm really having a big time flare up right now! Gee I wonder why?! So, I'm stuck walking on one foot and the other foot on it's side! Plus all of the pain of the muscle flare ups in all of my upper body! All I have to say is: THANKS! Tell her the truth!!!!!!!!! I need to heal!!! You of all people know this! I'm very hurt and upset over this matter!

Tuesday- Expect the UNEXPECTED Day!

Yesterday was just a day full of the unexpected! Like I can handle that?! All it was was nothing but bulls**t from my neighbors, and my moms "friend!" My daughter was here doing her laundry, and thats when she gets on line to check her email. Well, now they were emailing her! It upset her pretty bad. She told me that she now knows how I was feeling. Uh...yea...the letters weren't nice, like mine. So, that added more stress on me because now it was involving my daughter! What part of, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" don't people understand?! Once again, they said it was over, I sure hope so! Then I get on line to an email from my mom's "friend!" Basically blaming my sister and I for things that I don't understand! I must have this big red target painted on me! Or, a sign that says, "Hey, why don't you take things out on me!" The people that I know have always done this to me! And I used to sit back and just take it. I'm NOT anymore! My body sure as hell can't take anymore! I finally got that stuff that I wrote down typed out. It took me 3 hours to even do that! My nerves are shot, and I've been having a sharp pain in my lower right side for days now! It woke me up this morning. It's not getting any better. Especailly with stupid stuff going on that puts me on my last nerve! As soon as the holiday is over, I'm planning on making an appoinment with my doctor about it. There has been a lot of things going on and happening with my body that I have not began to even say in this journal. I'm not doing very good at all. And stress and no sleep is not helping. I have no one to talk to about these things that have been bothering me. I did talk to my daughter a little bit yesterday. But it wasn't everything. I do keep another journal on a laptop that I'm buying off of my daughters boy friend. I write it all out on that one! But it's not the same as talking to a person. My husband says that he doesn't want to hear about how it makes me feel about our neighbors because he said he doesn't want to be in the middle of things! How? He told me last night when I started talking about it that it's over and it's going to stay that way! I hope so too, but I still need to talk about a few things to get them off my chest! My massage therapist is coming this morning, and I know that this one is going to hurt way more then the last time. :o( Oh well. I'm really starting to get used to pain. I don't know if thats good or bad. I also have my own personal things on my mind that I'm worried about! It looks like this year we won't be able to have a Christmas. We don't have a tree anymore because my husband threw it away thinking it was too big for this house. We don't have the money to either buy or put anymore in layaway. I'm going to, of course, try my best to get what I can with my check. Which I have been for months now. Which isn't very much. I have my sisters on my mind. I'm worried about them too with their situations. I'm worried about my best friend and her mom. I could go on and on! I have to release this somehow, or I feel I might lose it. Not like have a nervouse break down or nothing like that, just can't take anymore BULL! I have enough on my plate to worry about. I don't need other peoples bullsh*t! Gee, I wonder what today is going to be like? It better not be "Wednesday- Let's Kick Me in The Ass" day! I'll explode on someone then! It always seems that when I'm really not feeling good at all is when I'm kicked! Not today, or anymore for that matter! Only a few people has really seen me when I'm really mad, and if this keeps up, there will be more that will see it!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Just another morning..........

I was able to get 2 hours of sleep this morning. Those itchy bumps are gone, so it must be hives again. Geesh! My whole upper body, including my arms feels like it should look like bubble wrap! Thats how it feels. I woke up again with two more new muscle lumps again. gggrrr! One on the top of my right shoulder, and the other on my left side on my ribs. Good Grief! I don't have any plans for today at all. All I want to do is get some much needed rest. I don't want to feel like bubble wrap. :o) Thats the only way that I can describe this. It's the first thing that popped into my head. :o) I'm going to go. Any and all comments are welcome. :o)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

.......................He who neglets to drink of the spring of experience is apt to die of thirst in the desert of ignorance.


                             ---------Ling Po

Still awake......

Well it's 12:32 right now, and I'm still awake! :o( I still have alot on my mind. I wasn't able to rest today like I had planned. I'll just do it tomorrow. ::::crossing fingers:::: I now have two more muscle lumps on my upper stomach area. Geesh! I took a Benadryl because I have little ictchy bumps on me. I think I'm getting hives again. They are starting just like they did the last time. I break out sometimes when my nerves are on end. And they still are. :o( Just wish I can figure out what is going on with my neighbor. I guess I let that situation bother me way too much. If there is a problem that she has with me, I just wish she would let me know, instead of the emails. Oh well. I think I'll end this, and try to get sleepy. lol...yea right! Keyword: try! :o) Gentle hugs. any and all comments welcomed. :o)

.................If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends, you are safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue.


                                     -------Alice Miller

A very painful day.......

Yesterday wasn't a very good day at all for me pain wise. I'm almost getting used to the fact that my upper arems, shoulders, back, hips and down my legs are now constantly in alot of pain. But now with these new muscle lumps that have been "popping" up in my ribs and upper stomach area, those are really killing me! Like I've said before, I never knew that this pain could get any worse then it was. Well, it has. I had a very hard time even moving my right side yesterday. I could barely move my right arm, because it would cause more pain in the new areas. The 3 new lumps in my upper stomach area are still pretty swollen. I was wearing a T-shirt yesterday and you could see them! Yikes! I was able to get 6 hours of sleep last night! Yay! :o) I took two naps yesterday as well. I even had to break down and take a pain pill. I really don't like to do that. It hurts to lay down in bed, and even to sit. It hurts to walk because where the new lumps are, I have to hold my hand on them to try to ease the pain a bit. It kind of helps. I'm going to try and go put Christmas things in layaway today. I'll really have to rest up for this. My husband gave me the money to do this Friday, and it's been that long for me to feel good enough to do this. He knows I'm in alot of pain if he gives me money to go shopping, and I haven't for 2 days. I can't wait, because I get to get things for my grandson! :o) I can't wait for this Christmas to see him open his gifts. :o) It's not that far away either! :o) If I can make it out today, I'm going to ask my daughter if she could go with me so she can help me. She needs to get out as well. :o) And we will have to take the baby too. :o) So far, I haven't received a letter this morning. Thats good. But I do need back the tapes I loaned her still. I am very willing to give back the rug and a curtain she "gave" us. But just glad no letters. :o) I did write one to her asking for them back, if I don't get them, I will have to go to her house and ask for them. Not a problem with doing that. But again, still glad no more nasty letters. That really has helped my pain level. When I get upset, I can't sleep. With this disease, you can't have too much stress, and you have to get as much rest/sleep as you can to help the pain. I do know now not to be so trusting of people. Which is pretty sad. I've reall learned my lesson on that one. I want to thank those that have wrote comments. :o) They really do keep me going. :o) I welcome any and all comments. God bless you all. :o)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

.................................Never fail to know that if you are doing all the talking, you are boring somebody.


                             ---Helen Gurley Brown

Only MY thoughts......

Again, I wasn't able to sleep last night/tonight. Went to bed at 9:30, got up at 12:30. I have more stuff on my mind again, just when I was starting to relax. I once again received another email from the same person! All I want is to be left alone, how hard is that to get across?! The claims and accusations are not true, and am very tired of the nasty letters. For the first time, I wrote back, explaining that I want it to just stop. I don't understand why anyone likes to keep doing this to someone? Then, I noticed that the letter was also sent to my daughter!!! Why?! My daughter doesn't need this either! It's like I'm not enough to keep upset, so now, upset my daughter too?!!! Thats going too far in my book! Again, the letter is over petty things just to upset me. She is claiming that everytime I write in my jouranl, she receives it. I have no control over that! She had to have done that one herself, I can't do it, and everyone that has a journal knows that a person is able to click on the part where it says, alert me when a comment is posted, and, it goes straight to your email! Now how can I do that? I do not talk about her personal life on this. It has been just mine. I honestly don't want to know her personal life to tell the truth. I only write about my fibro stuff and what I go through with it, and the letters that I've been getting and that I still don't understand as to why! I have moved on with my life, or at least have been trying to, until I get another letter. Just as soon as I am able to feel a bit more relaxed, I end up with another one! That isn't at all helping my pain any! I'm trying to feel better, and the letters aren't helping. Not blaiming her for my pain, the stress makes me flare up! Plus, the hateful things that are writen in these letters are very hurtful to me. I guess if I'm doing the things that I am being accused of, it wouldn't hurt me so bad. Accusing me that I am going to go to her husband and tell him that she smokes! No, I'm not that kind of person, and if I wanted to, I would have already! She also states that by us saying that we are poor, that she was tired of hearing "poor" excuses! Whats that all about? And they are not rich, just well taken care of. I'd say so! The part that really hurt me the most was when she said that, "Being a good Christian and knowing "Thou shall not throw your pearls before swine or they will be trampled under foot." I'm a Christian as well. AndI have never in my life have talked to anyone or have writen such nasty things to someone like these letters are. They are hateful and down right nasty. And to also send this same letter to my daughter? What would that accomplish? Just hurt her as well. And keep this whole mess going! It really needs to stop! My body can't take any more of this! What do I do? Please....I could really use some advise on this.

Friday, November 11, 2005

.................When you build bridges you can keep crossing them.

                                  Rick Pitlino

What a day.....

I went to bed last night at 10:00 and got up at 3:00. Not bad, more sleep then the night before. Which I'm hoping will help this pain. I still can't believe how this feels! Again, I never knew anyone could have pain like this. My husband helped me into a hot bath last night hoping that it would help ease the pain somewhat. It felt goo while I was in it, but when I got out, it seemed to feel worse, and was more swollen then it had been all day! That part I don't understand. You'd think it would have helped. I don't know what else to do about it. I'm just going to ride out this wave as well. This one feels like a big one too. I still can't get that letter out of my head either. Thats probably another reason why I'm in more pain. That letter really upset me. Plus, there were things in it that didn't make any sense. Which made it harder to get it out of my head. I have a strong seeling that her husband doesn't know about the letter. Only because of some of the things that were written and how. I know I have to let it go, but for some reason, I can't. It really threw me for a loop, and came out of no where. Oh well. I am going to try and put a lawaway in for Christmas today. I hope I'll be able to get dressed and drive. I could reall use to get out of this house for a few hours. :o) If I can't, I'll try to do it tomorrow. :o) Well, thats about it for now. I do appreciate all of the comments. Thank you so much! Keep them coming. :o) Gentle hugs.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Just another day.....

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I was having alot of pain as well. Not surprised at that. :o( A letter really upset me to no end last night. I did get 2 hours of sleep last night/this morning. I got to bed at 3:00, and I took a pain pill to help. My massage therapist came this morning. And I thought the last time she came hurt like hell! Not even close to todays! I now have 3 lumps on my upper stomach area, that have gotten larger, and 2 more on my right side in the rib area! Plus, a new one has started on my left rib area! Thankfully it's not as big. But it hurts. I can tell you this much, the areas that these are in; I couldn't wear a bra or a seat belt if I had to. :o( That whole area is swollen. I was going to try and get a picture of it, but I can't get a good enough one that shows up. I'm going to keep trying. I still have those other lumps on the right side of my face. She can't do anything for them. So, my face twitches in muscle spasms. Feels pretty weird. And of course, all of the usual places that have always been a pain, my upper shoulders and chest and back and down to my hips and legs. And my upper arms. I have a large lump on my right upper arm right now that is killing me. Oh well. I really think that tumor on my back has gotten larger. I could feel it this morning when she was massaging my back. :o( Again, if anyone else that has these problems or any other that I have mentioned, like the "fibro fog," Please leave a comment. It lets others know that they are not alone, and the people that doesn't go through this, to know that this is a real thing that we do go through, and it's not for self pity from anyone at all. Thank you for your comments, they encourage me to keep writing no matter what. :o) God bless you all. :o)

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Just because.....

Well, I'm still awake. :o( Not a good thing for my pain. Less sleep, more pain. All fibros know that one. I want to ask all of the readers a question that have fibromyalgia. Do any of you suffer from "fibro fog?" And, isn't this the correct term? I would appreciate it if I was corrected if I'm wrong. It's just for my own personal sanity. I am tired of people thinking that I'm making it up to use it to my advantage. Thats all. I'm not at all. I'm hoping I will be able to get sleepy soon. I had something that hurt and upset me tonight, but I'm glad it happened because now I know the truth. I guess I am that neive. <----can't spell. :o) Oh well, glad it's over now. Going to find a web site to see about the "fibro fog." When I do find it, I will post it. :o)

Just need to talk....

I'm still in alot of pain. I have those muscle lumps on the right side of my face now. I'm in so much pain all over my body now. Just feels kind of weird. I have so much on my mind as well. I really need to talk. I've been trying to get ahold of my neighbor still with no luck. I've called a few times and got the answering maching, left a message, the other times the phone was busy. I can't right now, just walk over to talk. I couldn't even go vote yrsterday even though the place for me to vote was at the end of my block. I'm in too much pain. I still have no idea as to what I've done for this person to plain out ignore me. I'm confused. I did what she had asked me to do. And she said that she still wanted to remain friends. So do I. I guess she changed her mind. I didn't. She said in her last email that she felt that she had to lie to her husband about our situation. And that she didn't want any lies between them. I feel that was her choice to do that. I told my husband, and he felt that our arrangment was going fine and I was handling it. Not a problem. Until the emails. Which blew us both out of the water. Again, if I would have gotten a call or if she would have came over and talked to me, it would have been different. Maybe I would understand this alittle better. Who knows now. And I would like to get back a few things of mine that she still has. But if she won't return any of my calls, then what do I do? She has a white dress and a pillow and she still owes me 4 packs of cigerettes. I did what she asked me to do, now she should return the favor. Plus, her husband doesn't know when she comes over here, she smokes. She lies to him about that. Again, thats her choice. She's always paid me back before for what she's smoked of mine. Why not now? It's like over night, our friendship just made a total flip! I have a friend, I don't have a friend, which is it? I'd like to remain friends. The fact is, we are poor. We live week by week, check by check. They can pay their morgage for a whole year, and did. She says she knows what we are going through, but I wonder if she really does. Then she said in her last email, Why is money the root of all evil? How should I know? I just paid her back the money I owed her. Yes, it took alot away from us, and really strapped us. But, at least she has her $75.00 now. To me, that just answers the question. She also said that she feels that I have made her look like the bad person for helping me. I don't know how. When I got her email, all I did was write back that I didn't have it, and why I didn't have it. Because I had already paid her $25.00. Which was our agreement. No, she's not the bad person for helping me. It just seems bad for the way it all went down. In my opinion. And all summer, when we would talk, she would tell me things like; I'll help you do this, and "we" will help you with this and that. And, it did get my hopes up with all of the things that were mentioned. I guess I am very gulable and neive. But since I wasn't able to do these things, I believed her. It's not like she would say these things only once, it was all the time, so I got my hopes up and couldn't wait. But, thats ok. Things came up out of her control, she says, none of my bussiness, and none of it has happened. I guess it's like the money I owed her, things came up that were out of my control. Yes, it did hurt my feelings. I'm too trusting. I would really appreciate any comments. Am I seeing things wrong? I did what I was asked, and now it seems as if I have the pleague. I just don't get it.

...................................."No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."  --Aesop

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Again...Just MY life.

When I woke up this morning, my whole right side, where my muscle lumps are in my ribs and my stomach, are very swollen. :o( It hurts like hell! Just when I thought the pain from this horrid disease couldn't get much wores, it does. I know I won't be doing anything at all today. My daughter will be coming over to do her laundry, and I'll get to see my grandson. :o) I won't be able to hold him. :o( Unless I'm sitting down, and she puts him on my lap. I wasn't even able to give my husband a hug last night. :o( That is a first. I think I'm going to have to change my pain chart. I know this pain is way past a 10! It really feels like a 20! No kidding! All I want to do is cry. At least I won't be home alone today, with my daughter being here. That makes me feel better, and safer. I need to end this for now. I have so much on my mind right now and can't seem to get rid of it. It just keeps going over and over in my head. I just don't know how to get rid of it. I need to talk about it all really bad to see someone elses point og view to see if I'm not seeing things wrong. Oh well. In too much pain. God bless you all. :o)

Monday, November 7, 2005


Well, I just got out of bed since my last enrty. I did end up taking a Vicodine for the pain. It still didn't help. The muscle lumps on my right side and stomach are now more swollen and in more pain then before. :o( I couldn't get much sleep because of where the lumps are located. It even hurt to lay on my back. This disease really sucks!


Ok...she came, and it hurt so bad! :o( Glad I am home alone, because I screamed and cried pretty loud. She couldn't do anything to the lumps on my face, but she got the new ones on my stomach and sides! OUCH! Afterwards, I had to just lay there on my bed, because I was in so much pain, I couldn't even move. If the pain doesn't get any better then what it is right now, I'll have to take a pain pill. :o( The oddest thing about getting these muscle lumps in these different places, is the muscles that are affected are ones I can't use. Just the fibromyalgia.:o(

I was able to get 7 hours of sleep last night! Woo Hoo! :o) My massage therapist will be coming this morning. I can't wait. I know it's going to hurt like hell. But I'm hoping it will make me feel better. I can't wait until she sees all the new lumps and the areas the are in as well. I need her input to help me with talking to my doctor. Then I'll write it down as well. I already have 2 and a half pages of things wrote down. Thats more then even I expected. I am still in alot of pain still, even though I just woke up. I still can't believe it's my whole body. :o( Just a new wave for me to ride out. :o) Gentle hugs. :o)

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Oh good Lord! I was on the computer around 5:00 this morning, and I hear the wind pick up and just blast up against the house! I turned on the local news channe; and found out that there was a tornado warning out for my city! Then I heard the sirens go off! Good Grief...I was up all by myself, and am very afraid of storms! I got my candles out and lit them and the lights were going on and off! Of course by then, I had signed of line and turned the computer off. They came back on t.v. and told the people that live in my city to take cover! Yikes! So I did! The wind was so hard! They said it was blowing at 60 mph! Geesh! None of that helped my pain level any! My face has been twitching all morning-before the storms. I keep having pretty bad muscle pains in my sides and my upper stomach area. Boy do those really hurt. I think I'm going to go lay down for awhile to see if that helps. If it doesn't, I'll have to take another Vicodine. :o( By for now. :o)

Just my life!

All day yesterday, I was in so much pain. At times, it was making me sick to my stomach. My mom came over and I feel a bit better about her situation. She did report her identity theft. Whew! That was a load off of my mind. My best friend came over for coffee in the morning. :o) My husband invited her to come over for diner. :o) I had went out back, and started a fire, in hopes that it would relax me and help my body feel better to sit near heat. Didn't help. My friend came over and we came inside. I had so much fun last night. :o) I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. :o) We all had such a fun night. :o) It was relaxing for me. But still, my body was still progressing in hurting in more in more places. Even my face was hurting and twicthing! That was a first. And my stomach had little knots in it as well, which is new. :o( The pain was so wide spread all over my body, and in new places. My husband told me after I recieved the email in the morning to try and relax and to not let it bother me. Down deep, I guess it still did. I tried everything to help my muscles, and all the new lumps. When my mom was here, she could see them as well. Yesterdays different pains and lumps will be wrote down on my list to show the doctor. I don't know what is going on, but I know it hurts way too bad for me. :o( I ended up having to take a Vicodine last night. :o( People that know me know how I would rather not take those. But I had no other choice. I went to bed at 10:00, and got up at 3:00. I'm still in alot of pain, but the Vicodine did seem to ease some of the pain. Again, this is my life. I'm getting too used to living with pain every day of my life now. I don't know if thats good or bad. But I am. I'm very glad that I didn't sign on line and have any more stressing emails. Thats helps a great deal. Just hope its over with. :o) Funny how you pay back your depts, but you don't get paid back what you are owed. hmmm. I've rambled on long enough. God bless you all. :o)

          ..................................Wealth is like sea water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become and the same is true of fame.

                                 -----------Arthur Schopenhauer

Saturday, November 5, 2005

My life.

I wasn't feeling very well at all last so I went to bed at 8:30. I felt like I was real heavy and cold hardly keep my eyes open. My legs were hurting me pretty bad as well. They were both swollen. I got up at 5:45 this morning. I actually got some sleep. I got up and am in more pain then I was yesterday. I have a hudge lump on my left upper chest that goes up to my shoulder. I have a smaller one on the right side. My right ribs have a few lumps in it. It hurts to put my right arm down. My legs still hurt. And the right side of my neck and it is going down to my right arm. I can hardly wait to see what my day will be like. When I got on line this morning, I had another email that upset me. That isn't helping my pain. I had to go out side and sit and got some fresh air, hoping it would make me feel better. My husband is up, and he has been helping me. :o) This is going to be one of those days. Already a very painful morning. Gee, whats next?

Friday, November 4, 2005

I was able to get 5 hours of sleep last night, which is good for me. The other situation is now under comtrol. Thank God! Thank you so very much! :o) I feel so much better now. Well, not pain wise, thats still going on of course, plus with that added stress sure as hell didn't help. Oh well. I'll get through it. I had a chance to watch my grandson yesterday while my daughter and her boy friend went to give blood. :o) It was about an hour, but it was so much fun for me! :o) He's my little Prince! :o) When my massage therapist was here yesterday, I asked her if she had other fibro patients. She said yes, so I asked her about the lumps. She said that all of them had the lumps and it didn't matter how progressed they were with the fibro. So I then asked about if fibro progresses. She said with some fibro patients, yes it does happen, but some it just doesn't. She said that it depends on how bad you were when you were diagnosed. Ok. I aske her questions that I know she could answer because she's hands on, and has treated them like she does me. But, she as well as everyone else still feels that there is something else that needs looked into. So, as soon as I am able to finish that paper I wrote, I'm going to call my doctor and make an appointment. I can't really do much today, so I don't have anything planned. Really glad it's Friday. I need to write this: Mom- You need to report that your numbers on your card where stollen! Ok? I'm doing my best to help you with this one situation, and you know I wouldn't stear you wrong. If you don't, then you will be the one in trouble. ok. I need you to realize what I tell you in my letters to you are very important and to please heed the warnings that I'm getting. I don't know how else to get this to you. This is very important! I just love you and am very worried. : Again, I really want to thank this very special person for helping me out! :o) I really owe you one! :o) Again, your comments do really help me. Keep them coming. :o) God bless you. :o)

Thursday, November 3, 2005

My massage therapist came this morning. :o) Yes! Boy did it hurt like hell, but I know it will make me feel better. :o) on my last entry, I did write back to my nieghbor. I think it was taken the wrong way. Geesh! Some days you feel like you just want to crawl into bed, and pull the covers over your head and not get out!? This is just one of those days for me! I have a feeling that she took my letter the wrong way. I can't help my situation, and I know neither can they. But that fact still remains that the email just came out of the blue for me, and it set off some pain in me. How can someone expect to get something from you right when they ask for it, when you don't have it? You can't get blood from a turnup! I did appreciate their help, but in real life, you can't expect to ask for something from someone and get it when they don't have it to give. We are poor people. Thats just how it is. If I had money, I'd have a hot tub right now, and would be in it instead of on this computer! If I had any relatives that have money, the same thing! Too bad I don't! My nerves are getting better, but I still just want to crawl into bed, and not get out right now. I just hate it when I say something, it's taken the wrong way. Why don't people just call me? Give me some kind of an idea when and what to expect. That would help matters. Sorry for rambling on, but I just have to vent a bit to help me feel better. I can't hold it in, or I'll have more pain. Don't want that. :o) All for now. Thank you for all of your up;ifting comments. :o)

Yesterday, I finished the rest of my errands that I couldn't the day before. I am so worn out and in alot of pain. But thats my life. I did forget to get atamps, so I can mail out my money orders. Geesh! I even had everything wrote down. I had alot of pain last night in my neck and it went all the way down to the right rib cage. I had a large lump on the right side of my neck that was killing me. The pain was getting so bad, it was making me sick to my stomach. I had to wait to go to bed to make sure I was going to be ok. That was 11:00! And still got up early. Oh well. It appears as though a neighbor of mine is upset with me. I got 2 emails, and am shaking right now. Doesn't help much with the pain. I was told so many times by my neighbor I could do what I was doing monthly, and it was fine, because she knew my situation. But now it has changed! Oh well. Thats all for now.

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Boy...what a day it was yesterday. I'm still having alot of problems with my right arm. It really hurts to use it. My daughter came over to do her laundry, and I had her read all of the things that my husband and I had wrote down. Since she was her with me all day, just her and I, I thought having her read it that she might have noticed something as well. She did. She also elaberated on some of the things that my husband and I had writen. And explained it to me. :O) It really helped me out alot. :o) Now all I need to do is type it all out, and read it again, and go from there. She said she even thinks there is more the n the fibro going on with me as well. Oh well, I'll just go from here with this. :o) I had alot of errands to run yesterday. That just wore me down fast! I had my daughter go with me just in case I needed her for help. :o) So I was able to get most of the things done that was on my list. Today, I can finish it. I'll just call her up and see if she'll go with me. :o) It did feel good to get out for awhile though. Today will be another hectic day for me. My body isn't in the best right now, but I really need to get things done. I got up early once again. Geesh! Hopefully I'll be able to get a nap in before I finish my errands. :o) Thats all for now. Gentle hugs to you all. :o)

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

I wrote things down.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night and got up at 3:00. Going to be a long day for me. Yesterday, I started writing the things down that I experiance and just go through in my day to day life. It took me 2 hours to write a 3rd of a page down! Thats how much it hurts for me to write, and I'm not able to hold a pen/pencil in my hand very well either. I do use the extra large pens to write with. I was finally able to finish it around 6:00! It was just one full page. I asked my husband if he would read it and put things in if I might have missed something that he sees. He did. Then I wanted him to read it back to me to see if it would jogg my memory a bit, to see if I might has missed something. It did. Then on another piece of paper, he wrote down the things I forgot about, and things that he notices that I do. That really helped me! :o) He wrote down that he notices I change my clothes too often, and that I'm not moody. That was a shocker! lol :o) I asked him if that was a joke, and he told me that with all of the things that I'm going through, he is very surprised that I'm not moody! Wow! I thanked him for that one! :o) He also wrote down something that I never thought of. In the begining of all of this, my neurologist had me on so many different medications and tried so many different ones on me. He thinks it could be possible that some of what I'm going through could be a reaction to that. I never thought of that. And he told me that he does see when I'm trying to hide my pain! I guess I don't do it as well as I thought I did. :o) That also made me feel good. He said that he can see the pain in my eyes. We had a great talk last night, and it helped me out so much. :o) He asked me if I understood the fibromyalgia and what it's making me go through, and I told him no I honestly don't. Then he told me that thats why he doesn't understand it either. I guess he really does listen to me when I talk to him about the fibro. :o) That makes sence though, how can he fully understand, if I don't. I tell him the information that I know, and we both go from there. I do know that if I didn't have him through all of this, I don't think I could handle this by myself. It was a really good talk that lasted for a few hours. :o) I'm so glad that we did. He said that again tonight, we will go through what was wrote down, and see if I can remember anything more. :o) This is really helping me so much, and I told him that as well. :o)My daughter is coming over today and I'm going to have her read it and write down the things that she has noticed. We were alone during the day time, and she might have noticed things. So...the only thing I have planned today is to visit with her and to see my grandson! :o) That always puts a smile on my face! :o) I might put in another entry of the things that were wrote down. I can't write now because my arm is killing me right now. So, this is all for now. :O) Any and all comments are welcomed. :o) Gentle hugs. :o)