Friday, December 31, 2004

I got out of the house...YAY!

Yesterday....I was able to get out for awhile! Since it was like a Friday...I went to the store, instead of my husband. It was later in the evening, but, I did it! YES! It felt so good to get out and see the town, and how the snow is. It was in the 40's all day yesterday, and melted a little of it. There are still places that you can't see, because of the corners are so high with snow! I grabbed my daughter, and asked her if she would go with me. :o) We had a lot of fun, just her and I. :o)

My neck and shoulder is really hurting now. It was before I went to the store. It woke me up again this morning. I got up at 3:25. :o( This is really getting old. Again....this is what's it's like!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Just another day with fibromyalgia.

Yesterday seemed to go on for ever. I've been stuck in this house for so long. It kind of makes you feel like you are going stir crazy! My son dug my car out for me, and parked it on the street, instead of the driveway. There was still at least 2 feet of drifted snow behind my car that had me stuck there! I'm glad someone thought of me, and got my car out. :o) All I did yesterday was sleep. I was feeling very dizzy, and just not very well at all. Of course, the usual pains that I have everyday with this horrid disease. I was out in the kitchen getting ready to make supper. I almost passed out. I got so dizzy, I just hung onto my walker, and hoped for the best. I did almost fall. Oh well. My daughter came out to see if I needed any help. I'm glad she did, because I really needed some help at that time. I went and sat down. No one knows about what happened. It doesn't matter if I told anyone or not. What could they do? Not one thing. Again...I woke up with pain. Gee...what a surprise! This time, it's my right shoulder and neck. Probably because of trying to hold my head up all day. Laugh it you want...but I had to. I have days to were I struggle to do that much! I went to bed at 10:00 last night, and my husband waited up for me, so he could rub my back to help relax me. :o) Little did he know how much pain I was in, and how dizzy I was. I really needed that. :o) I'm very thankful for having such a caring man. I thank God for what I do have. :o)

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Well, I got up at 3:30 this morning. Pain woke me up. It's something that I'm used to. My mom came over yesterday. It was so nice to be able to visit with her. :o) "Mom...stop letting other's walk all over you, even if they are your friends." I seen that it's really wearing you down. I just love you, and care about you, thats all. :o) There's others that work there besides you, and they can make sacrafices like you. Ok? Take care of yourself, not everyone else. :o) Isn't that what you're telling me?

I'm going to call my doctor today to ask if I can have a script for my physical therapist back. My pain is getting to the point to were I can't hardly even "live" my daily life again. I'm going into too many exacerbations. It's too the point to were I can't sleep, walk, move my arms, and be my "normal" self. With my physical therapist, I was able to do those things a little better then now, and wasn't going into as many exacerbations. No...I'm not whinning! I'm just looking out for myself. I'm the only one that knows my body, and thats just how it is.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Another good night!

I'm so glad that I was able to get 6 hours of sleep last night! :o)

Yesterday, my legs were really hurting pretty bad. I had a cramp so large on my right thigh, you could see it through my pajama pants. Then of course, my left leg is still doing it's own thing. Weird. My upper arms, and my shoulders were killing me as well. My right arm is still partially numb. I still don't understand that one either. I guess my left hand id numb as well. Last night, I got a ring on my finger cought on a cupboard door knob, and my kids yelled out to see if I was alright! I guess it looked as if my finger broke, because of the way it bent....but I didn't feel a thing. Thats scary. What if I did break it, and didn't know it? I didn't...but, thats what happened last year with my right ankle. I suppose if it's going to happen, then it will. Obviously, theres nothing that I can do about it. My mom is going to come for a visit today. :o) I'm glad. I haven't seen her in a while. I hope she can make it here ok...we still have about 19 inches out there!

Monday, December 27, 2004

Finally able to sleep!

Last night, I was finally able to get more then 2-4 hours of sleep! I had 8 hours! YAY! That should help my pain level today. Should. Again....I wasn't feeling very well yesterday. The pain kind of makes you feel kind of "not well" after awhile, and thats how I felt yesterday. Everything was hurting, and it drained me of all my strength. I still feel alone. I try to have converstions with others, and all I can say is, "Yes...I used to do that!" Used to. Not, "Yes, I do that." No...I don't know what anyone is talking about anymore. But I have good memories of how I "used" to do the things they talk about. Years ago. The closes that I think that everyone that lives in this house, that got a taste of what it's like to be me, was when everyone was snowed in on Thursday! It was just a normal day for me. Everyones days were all mixed up, and they said how much they hated having to stay home all day! Gee...I know that feeling! I even said, "Now you know how I feel." That was like I had just opened up a can of worms! My bad! was different! Was it? Nope! Then I heard, "I'm not complaining, but I really hate being stuck in this house for so long!" Really? That changed the meaning by saying, "I'm not complaining?" Nope! I don't to them. In fact...they don't even know what I write in this journal. This journal is my outlet. When I write in it, I don't feel so all alone.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

.....and once again!

This has to get through to someone.....To all of the "normals" again. I've experianced this, and I know others with fibromyalgia has as well. To all "normals".....Please remember that your loved ones, mothers, sisters, brothers fathers, and relatives that have this dilbiltating disease.....are in pain either most or all of the time. At times, when talking or observing them, they may have a look about their face of grimace, or a "pissed" look.....they're not! Just in pain. Nothing more....just in pain. It does not mean they are mad at you, just in a silent pain of their own. The feeling of being alone is bad enough, and when you ask the dreaded question, "What, are you mad?" will only make them worse.....more tense and stressed....which adds more pain. See...a domino effect. Is this making any sence at all? I can be sitting, and may "look" like I'm fully relaxed, and someone starting a conversation with me....I may look at them, and automatically, they think I'm mad! Why? Not for what I've said....because the look on my face. It's just that I'm in so much pain, and no one to relate this to...and again...more stress put on me. Why? I only wish I knew why my friends and relatives can remember that I do have this Demon inside of me....and be a little more sensative to my expressions. I've had this for a long time now.....and still...I'm alone! Because no one can remember that I'm in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I walk with a walker, and sleep in a hospital bed....and no one can remember? Why? I've heard of others with this same problem....their spouces not understanding them with this horrid Demon disease! Why? You'd think that the ones that do live with you would realize! The "normals" need to be educated more on fibromyalgia. If you "normals" out there really love and care for your friends and relatives with this disease, you honestly need to learn more about it! If your loved one or friend has a grimace look on their face....start out by asking them if they are feeling alright....but never assume that they are mad, or in a bad mood! It's not fare to's something that we can not help. Make any sence? The two main things that we are supposed to make better in our lives are; stay away from stress, and get as much sleep as possible. When you are accused of being in a mood that you are not in, only because of your pain....added stress, which also could make you not that what you want for your loved one or friend? Educate yourselves! Please.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope all with fibromyalgia, and other diseases with pain, have a pain free day, and a wonderful holiday! :o)

Friday, December 24, 2004

Snowed in.....!

We survived the weather. We got around 24 inches of snow droped on us in 1 night! That broke all records in this area! We were all snowed in. The first photo, is the back yard. The second, is my car. The third is my husband having to shovel our street! The fourth is our front yard. Fith, my husband shoveling the street still....which took all day. Sixth, the front of our house, and the seventh is a little path from our garage to another little path, to get to our back door. The city went on strick during the storm, so thats why my husband had to shovel our street. He only did, from our garage to the main street. He said that he couldn't stand being stuck in the house all day with out being able to go anywhere. I then said, "Now you know how I feel."

I did get out to take a few photo's. But of course, I paid for it! My left leg started hurting pretty bad. I was having a level 10 cramping in my whole leg. :o( Nothing was helping it. Then my right knee started in! Then it seemed that everything else had to follow through, and give me pain from the cramps, and the burning on the bottoms of my feet. My right hand started to cramp up, and it stayed that way. This morning it seems to be better. I slept through the night without waking up with pain. I got up at 5:00. Thats pretty good for me. My only wish for this holiday is, that I would like to be pain free for one day. Thats it. You'd think that wouldn't be too much to ask for. Especially to the "normals" out there. You don't get it. Actually...I hope you never get it!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Who ordered a mini blizzard?!

Ok....the photo's that I have are from this morning at 4:30. It started to snow at 5:30 a.m. yesterday morning, and it hasn't stopped! We have right now, 15 inches! And it's still snowing! They say we are expected to get at least 5 more inches! Yikes! We had a mini blizzard last night. The winds are still blowing, but not as bad. The photo's are hard to view because of the snow drifts, you can't see where anything starts or stops.

I wrote a letter to my daughter's boy friend's mom yesterday, asking her nicely to not talk to my daughter in the manner she has been. She called her and talked to her nicely. :o) It better stay that way.

I woke up this morning all by myself! YAY! I still have the pain, but I was able to sleep through it. My legs are still giving me a problem. My back, my shoulders, my ribs, my arms, and my hands have been cramping up, as well as my feet. I'm still noticing my eye sight is getting worse. :o( Oh well....the life of a fibro person.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

A day from hell!

Yesterday morning, my daughter and I went to her doctor's appointment. Her boy friend never has gone with her, even though he is the father of the baby! I go! Which I would any way. She told him an aproximate time that we should have been back. Then he goes to bed, because he works nights. Not yesterday! Nope! Since we went last week, and the doctor wasn't there, they had to reschedual all appointments! So....that meant that the office was packed yesterday! She got in to see the doctor at the time she told him that we would be back.....not her fault...right?! Since it was lunch time after she got out...I asked if she would like to go to McDonald's. Which was right across the bridge from his office. We got home around 1:20. The bridge that we had to cross, was under construction! Did we know that? NO! We were stuck in that traffic for about 15 minutes, just to cross the bridge! Not her fault...right?! The bridge goes over a major highway...I 70! We get home, and there sat her boy friend on the couch, and I started to tell hime some good news about her visit. Plus, wondering why he was still awake. He starts to head up the stairs! Then when my daughter came in the room to tell him all the good news about the baby....he imediatly TELLS her that she HAS to call HIS mom!!! I don't think so! And why?! Here...the time that she had told him that we should have been back, he was on the phone to his mom, asking if she had heard from my daughter! Duh....who do you think she would call first?! That put her in a very stressful situation! Because I came home to emails from her...that weren't nice! Wrong thing to do! So, my daughter's bubble was poped as soon as we got home! All because of her boy friends mom! I also has a voice mail from her, demanding her to call her as soon as she got home, because she "had to talk to her now!!!" I don't think so! My daughter was in tears...and I was so angry at the fact that this lady thinks she can say and do what ever she feels she wants to, when it comes to my daughter! Not in my life time! That meant I was stressed out as well! Not a good thing either! So...yesterday..the whole day, my daughter was very stressed out from this woman. :o( She had a few pains, and got sick. I blame her for that! I woke up this morning at 2:30 with the sensation of my feet on fire! They felt "normal" to me, by touching them. Since the stress I was under as well yesterday, I am going through more pain then I should be as well. Nota good thing! After I finish writing this, I'm going to write her a letter, asking her to please stop harrassing my daughter, and putting her under so much stress! We don't need this. She could end up losing the baby, and I will have more pain that I don't want! Plain and simple!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I shouldn't have said anything...... always, the Demon that's inside of me, feels to attack me once again! I'm not going to be in an incumbent state today! I refuse to be that way! I'm going to win over this Demon...i.e, illness! My shoulders, legs, back, arms, feet,and ribs are now hurting! I just wish that I still had a physical therapist to help with the massages. This will be a good day...because I said so! I'll just have to take baby steps, and use my walker. I refuse to let this disease win!

A nothing unusual day.

Yesterday, I didn't do anything but put supper in a slow cooker, and let it cook all day. I really wasn't feeling all that well, but, it still could be that I'm still doing too much for my body. I honestly don't know what is "too much" or "too little." Or even just right. It really gets old after awhile, trying to "guess" at it. It's just a day by day thing. Lately, for me, it's been an hour by hour guessing game. Too bad not many people know what I'm actually talking about. My pain has still been localized to my back and legs still. I was able to shave my legs yesterday!!! Wooohooo! My back let me bend enough to do it! You don't know how that feels, not being able to shave your legs because of your back not letting you. Boy did it feel great! I payed for it afterwards, but, my legs do feel much better now. :o) Today my daughter is suppose to go to her baby doctor. But, I just got an email from our local news and weather, and we are on a weather storm warning. We are going to get hit with a lot of snow real soon. :o( Her doctor is about an hour away from here. I don't think we should drive in that weather. I'm going to ask her if she could reschedual her appointment. She really wants to hear the baby's heart beat, but I feel that it's more important to be safe, then to take a chance of getting in an accident. Last night, my son has a lot of presents in his room, and I asked him if he could bring them all down and put them in the living room, to make it look more like Christmas here. He did, and my daughter went and got all of hers as well. :o) I like the way it looks. We don't have any decorations or tree up, because we don't have the room for it all. But with the presents out, it looks so much better. :o) I'm going right arm is starting to act up on me again.

Monday, December 20, 2004

A bit better today.

I was able to take a nap yesterday afternoon. My arm was still numb, and hurting me all day. I was woke up once again by more pain. This time in my hips, my left leg, my right knee, and my back. At least I got some sleep. I haven't done anymore unpacking, or putting things away. Nor have I been doing anything that would aggervate my muscles more then usual. If I don't listen to my body, I won't feel any better. I was able to sleep through the night last night, without waking up because of pain! YAY! :o) Yes, I did thank God for that. I thank God for even being alive. :o) For some reason, I have this Demon inside me. Only He knows why, but I have to live with it. And I do. But...I'm only human. It hurts! I just can't wait until my next appointment. I have a lot to ask, and to say to my doctor. :o) 

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Just to write.

Well....this morning when I got up, my back was hurting so bad, it was taking my breath if I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't do much. I really wasn't able to use the bathroom upstairs....just glad that my husband installed a toilet in my bedroom. :o) My son has stopped smoking. It's been almost 3 weeks now. I'm very proud of him. :o) Thursday evening, I got to feel my daughters baby move! :o) It was so wonderful! :o)

I went to bed last night at 11:30....I got woken up by my right arm at 1:30! So....I've had exactly 2 hours of sleep! My right arm was numb! It was hurting. It's now 2:34, and I'm still having problems with it trying to go numb on me. The vains are all poped out. It is a pretty gross site to see. It feels as if there is a rubber band tied very tightly around my upper arm. I can't feel my hot coffee! I took a drink of my coffee, and the cup is hot...I have it on a warmer....and I can't feel it! :o( My arm hasn't done this in a long time. When my physical therapist came, she told me that it could be because a muscle has gotten around one of my main veins, and has contracted, and is making my arm numb, and my veins pop out. I don't know. My shoulder and everything else in that area are fine. I was finally able to change my bed sheets to my 310 thread count sheets. Much better! I can't stand anything less. It makes my skin feel like I'm laying on burlap! I do hope I can get my arm to feel better. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary to make this happen. My duaghter and I made Christmas cookies last night, and my best friend came over. Thats it. Oh well....thats the Demon that lives inside me. I can't do anything about this horrid disease.

I really don't like fibromyalgia!

Ok....again, more pain. I've tried laughing at myself....because if you don't have a sense of humor with this disease....I don't feel that you won't get very far in your life without it. There have been times to were it is hard to even do that. This pain is so horrid....I sometimes feel like it's slowly making me crazy. Not in the sense of hurting myself or others....just wondering if this is all true! It is. The pain in my back yesterday was so was making my chest hurt as well. It hasn't hurt that bad in a very long time. It sure made up for it yesterday. I had a hard time getting around as well. Thats part of what this disease does to me. Stops me in my tracks! I don't haven anything planned for today....if I even wanted to, I couldn't. I still need help getting things put away, from unpacking them last week. Oh well.....that goes to show you how people just knock down my door to help me. LOL

Friday, December 17, 2004

A little bit better.

Yesterday, my leg did feel a bit better. I feel that what I did to help it the previous day must have worked. When I got up yesterday morning, my whole body felt as if I was "under water!" My arms were heavy to move up, and to walk, was pretty hard to do. My next doctors appointment is soon, and I can't wait. I need some kind of explination for all of this new stuff. It's really scaring me. I know I'm an adult, but, walk in my shoes for 5 minutes, then you'll feel it. I found out last night, that Christmas is going to be very tight this year. :o( Gift cards for the kids, and our nieces and nephews will get a card with money in them. But....the real meaning of Christmas isn't the gifts any's celebrating the birth of Christ! Thats all that matters. :o)

Thursday, December 16, 2004

I must expect too much.

Yesterday, my left leg was useless. I woke up at 11:30 p.m.! I went to bed at 10:30! I layed in bed in so much pain. My right knee was starting in on me as well. Great! Just what I needed. All day yesterday, my left leg would go numb on me, no matter what I was doing. It felt as if it was the size of a tree trunk, and felt very heavy. I kept it up as much as possible. Hell...what am I suppose to do! I had no idea that this was part of fibromyalgia as well. I've been through such pain in my back, that I've cried for hours....but nothing like this! And I thought my back pain was bad. Not! This disease does nothing but seem to get worse! Now I have a leg that won't work! It just "drags" behind. If you're thinking that I should tell my doctor....I have! He has no explination to tell me. I'm learning all of this on my own! I'm scared. I couldn't take much more of the pain, and numbing of my leg, so I went to my room and layed down to get it up. Right after I layed down, my best friend came over. She had a gift for me to unwrap! She said that she was going through her presents under her tree, and saw mine, and thought I might be able to use it now, instead of after Christmas. I opened it, and it was a pair of inflatable full leg massage boots and cuffs for my legs! I cried! I gave her a big hug, and thanked her! I put them together, and put them on as soon as I could. I had them on for about a half an hour, and it really helped my leg! What a difference it made! I was able to make supper after that. :o) God works in misterious ways! Thank you Rhonda! :o)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

......another day in my life.

Well....I was hoping to find that someone out there might have had an experience with their leg like I did. I didn't get any entries or emails on the subject. I write in this journal in hopes that I might get some feed back. I do, but it's only been if I write something bad, or something good. Not if I experience something, and ask if anyone else does as well. Thank you.

I had just another day, that contained all of the things that my body is crippled from. Thats all.Thanks again.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Being scared.

The photo I have up, is my daughter and son. I was taking a photo of my daughter's belly, and my son jumped in beside her to show me his tummy! lol :o) They are so funny. :o)

Yesterday, I was having a problem with my left leg. When I got up, my leg seemed to not work. It seemed to just drag along with me. I had a very hard time walking. It felt heavy. I just wasn't feeling "right" most of the day. I wasn't able to do anything at all. I went to the kitchen, and made myself lunch. I sat down to eat. I use large handled utensils so I can hold onto them better, without dropping them. I picked up my fork, and tried to pick up a bite. All of the sudden, my right arm started to shake uncontollably, and I had an extreme muscle spasm in my upper arm! It kept my whole arm down on the table! So, as I tried to take that bite, it basically just threw my arm back down, while shaking, back onto the table! It stayed there! I've never had any of these happen to me before! It really scared me. With all of the pain I've been in, and now this happening, I really don't know what the hell I have! Do any of the other fibro's have a leg that will drag? I'd like to know. After that incident, I layed down for a nap. When I woke up, it appeared that my arm was better, but my leg was still "dragging" behind. :o( This morning, things seem to be "ok" for now. Thank you God. :o)

Monday, December 13, 2004

Baby steps.

All I could do yesterday was to go through all of my photo albumns, and put loose photo's back into them. I could sit down to do that. After I took my shower, I was in a full body exacerbation! I could only take little baby steps! I could hardly move. Everything was in so much pain! My pain level was a deffinet 10! I couldn't do anything. I tried to lay down.....I couldn't do hurt so bad! I hate this demon!  

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Pain is worse.

When you think that it couldn't ever get any happens! Both legs, ankles, and my feet were in so much pain yesterday, I could hardly walk. Let alone my hips, my back, and my arms and shoulders. That makes it hard for me to hang on to my walker to try to walk! No "normal" will ever know what this is like.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Weird how quickly things can change?!

Situations that have been in this house, with others that live here as well, have been cleared up!

Now....with my body, thats a different story. I wasn't able to do much yesterday. I did put a few things out, that were sitting to be cleaned, and put out. But, not with out something having to give me pain! No way! What would I expect? Thankfully, this is Saterday. My husband is home, and he is going to help me get things put out, and cleaned. He helped me out last night. I had to sit in a chair, while he got things out of boxes, held them up for me, and I decided were they went, or to throw them away, because I didn't want to mess with them. We did, however, get through a couple of boxes that way. Which is good. My right ankle hurts, and it's the one that I broke last summer. It has been shooting pain up to my knee. Not easy to walk that way. Especially when you have cramping in your thigh, as well. I did get some sleep last night. That will help me out today. My shoulders, back, hips, left leg, and my feet are still in pain. I find it the oddest thing, how quickly your body can change, with pain, in one minute!

Friday, December 10, 2004

This is going to be one of those days! :o(

I had a lot of pain yesterday. :o( More then I've had in so long. I guess the "remission" I was in, is now over. To bad I still don't have my physical therapist. Boy could I use her now! I was having these bulging bumps, that were muscle cramps, in both thighs last night. The pain was so bad, I couldn't even think! The pain is now in ALL parts of my body. Again. :o( I can clearly say, that there isn't a place that doesn't hurt. Too bad that no one else can relate to this kind of pain, except for those with fibromyalgia. Yesterday was just a preview of what today will be like. Because thats what woke me up, once again...pain!

Thursday, December 9, 2004

Not a good night.

To start out, I had a horrible night! I went to bed at 10:30, like I usually do. Again....I have this clock radio, and it went off! Loud music! was at a different time! Weird. During the day, I check it to see if it is turned on. It's isn't! Then, I wake up because of pain. Geesh! My right fore arm was hurting pretty bad, and my left leg, and my left fore arm, left elbow, and my left upper arm! Thats just what woke me up. Not what's still in pain. Last evening, I was having some major pain in my right thigh, and my left thigh. My right thigh was hurting so bad, I was crying. There was a very large lump. A huge muscle cramp. It appears that my little "remission" is over! Here come the stupid relapse! One plus, all of the boxes are in the house, and have all been gone through. All I have to do now, is to put things away. My daughter got sick last night. :o( I feel so bad for her. She is really having a hard pregnancy. My sister called me yesterday, and I feel sorry for her as well. My heart went out to her...and still does. My friend called me as well, and her arm is doing much better. :o) I am going to call my doctor. I feel that I need some more tests done. My eye sight has really gotten worse this last time of relapse. If anyone needs or wants to know anything further, write or call me. Other then that....don't sweat it! 

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 better now. :o)

Yesterday I emptied a few more boxes. It seems to be never ending. I had a very good talk with my daughter about her and her boyfriend. It went well, and better then I expected. Things went more smoothly yesterday. :o) I'm glad.

I've been having more cramping in my left leg. And of course, my arms, shoulders, back, and feet. All of the usual things that I have hurting me day to day. Whats new?! Just my stupid life, thats all. When I layed down for a nap yesterday, I had those horrible "pins and needles" on the bottoms of my feet! Then I get them in my legs as well. :o( My left leg is still going numb on me. No, not going asleep, numb! I just pray that they both don't do it at the same time. You know, I'm so tired of putting on a "mask" for everyone else. I'm tired of everyone "thinking" that I'm fine! I'm not! It has to be why I don't hear from someone that is very important to me.I hear from my sister.From now on in my writings, I feel I have to be "black and white" and very blunt, to get through to others, that don't live with this horrid disease! I realize that everyone else has a life they need to live as well. I am too. But alone. Just because I'm not in an exacerbation, doesn't mean I'm not in pain, or hurting.

Life goes on.....even if it is a life that you didn't pick!

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 I pay for it.

Well yesterday, I did pay for my night of a chance to slow dance. Thats ok....I had so much fun doing it. :o) I didn't do anything yesterday. I already knew that I couldn't even unpack one box. Thats ok. I'm not getting any help, at least from my daughters boy friend. I had a feeling that would be the case when he moved in. My husband was out in the garage last night, breaking down boxes, and getting the trash ready to go out. He comes in, and asks if he can put his ATV in the garage! As if we have the room, and, as if we got any help from him to help make room for it! He never once asked my husband if he needed any help! How rude! My son helped us move, and he is also suppose to help do things around the house. He isn't doing his job as well. He says why does he have to, if my daughters boy friend isn't? So, My husband and I are the only ones that have been doing all the unpacking! Gee...what a surprise?! We've also noticed the change in my daughter when she's around him, and not around him. She acts like herself when he's not around, and then when he is, she has this look in her eyes as if she has to do what ever he says! This is not right! He hasn't once given us any money for help with food, or anything! My son does, and he goes to the grocery to buy his own food for the week, and for work. I try to talk to my daughter about certain things, and when I bring up his name, it's like I'm talking to a wall! She changes that fast! It's just not right! She's pregnant, and he will sit on the couch, while she carries their stuff in the house! WoW! What a man! What a catch! My husband is about to let lose on him! My fear is that he'll convince her that we are the bad people again...and take her away from here, and her family! If she allows that, and does that, then I'm through! She knows right from wrong. And when he's not around, she helps me. It's like he makes her not help us, or want to even talk to us. She won't even do that much! Very weird and odd! I've never seen her this way. I'm very worried about her. And so is the rest of the family that has seen this. He's NOT a hard worker like she says, and he hasn't lifted a finger to help any of us or her out! He does nothing....he does put more stress on her, and I hear her yell at him! He doesn't think of the baby, or her. I'm going to have a talk with the both of them very soon! I can't take it much more! It's driving me nuts! We would have been done by now, with unpacking and putting things away, if we would have gotten more help, instead of others sitting around and watching a person that uses a walker to get around with, working more then they should! Very lazy! And I'm paying for all that I have done! Not good!

Monday, December 6, 2004

I had a very nice day!

I had a great day yesterday! I unpacked 5 boxes. I didn't put anything away, just sat things out in the open, so I can see what will go were. I thought that system will work a lot better for me. I can take my time that way. I was able to take a nap again, and when I woke up, I really felt good. :o) Yes, I was still in pain....but, not the "surface" pain. Like the bulging muscles cramps on my legs and arms. Those really do hurt. It felt like I had just got out of a whirlpool bath! :o) It was truely great! I was able to save up some energy to do something that I haven't been able to do in so very long! I put a CD in, and my husband and I danced together! A slow dance, but, I was doing it! YES! It was awsome! Then, I rested. I didn't want to ruin a good thing.

I was thinking yesterday about my membership to a club I belong to. I've been paying my dues for the past year and a half, and not going there to enjoy it. I used to go on Saterdays to listen to the band, and dance. And sometimes to eat dinner there. I would love to continue to pay, but with not going....why? My friend still goes at times, but not me. So why pay? I really miss going there as well. Just wish others could walk in my shoes for 5 minutes.

Yes, my back and everything else that I've mentioned before, does still hurt this morning. :o( And to the "normals," I wish that you could understand me. I feel that it is your loss that you don't. Not mine.

Sunday, December 5, 2004

My life.

Yesterday was an intersting day. Yes....I did get a few e mails from my last entries from yesterday. Good and bad. I honestly don't care if anyone doesn't understand. I'm not trying to sound crass, just honest about me and my life.

I was able to take a nap yesterday. That really did help me with my pain. I'm feeling a bit better now. I do still have all of those little crampings in my back, legs, arms, and my feet. But it's getting to the point to were I can take it. I'm having problems with my right ankle for some reason. It feels as if I twisted it again, and I haven't. I broke that ankle last summer. It was never set right, and I've had problems with it since. But, it's feeling like I've either we broke it, or just twisted it pretty bad. I just try to ignore it. As I do all of my other pains. What else am I suppose to do? I do have to go on with my life, as do anyone else. Don't I? My friend invited me to go out with her last night! YAY! I had a blast! I really needed it. Thank you! It was so nice to get out for awhile. :o) I got a little bit more hours of sleep last night. I got 5 hours! YAY! Thats the most I've had in so long. Sleep really does help my pain. As other fibro's know. :o) Well....that was just another glimps into my life. :o)

Saturday, December 4, 2004

To those that took my last entry wrong.

It's about what I deal with in a day to day setting. It's my life.....the life that I "have" to live now. That is how I one sparked my thoughts and feelings about my writings.

It's like when someone asks you, "How are you?" Do they really want to know? Or, do they just expect your responce to be a general, "Fine, thank you."? I'm just getting a little bit tired of just saying, "Fine, thank you." Anything wrong with that? I don't seem to think so. Do you actually think that someone would ask you how you were feeling, and then litterally sit down and "listen" to you? I don't.....Because when and if I do say that I didn't get much sleep, or, my legs are really hurting me today, I hear, "I know just how you feel, mine are hurting too!", and "I didn't get much sleep either." But, does anyone stop to think.....why? My Demon is part of the rest of my life. It was not my choice. Sorry. Do others feel that if they say that they hurt also, that it will make you feel alittle more "normal?" It doesn't me....I just want to crawl away.....imagine what "they" would do with this Demon.

My dream in my life time, is, to help the people, that want to understand and get to know the "real" me, to understand the "real" me. To understand what it's really like to walk in body pain. A never ending Demon. I see people that will get a leg cramp.....they go nuts trying to rub it out! Imagine your whole body like that leg cramp.

Try living with the people around you, that you used to go places with....and they still go places......but stopped asking if you'd like to go. Even if I have to turn them's the thought that counts. Like I said....I cry in silent, and through my forced smile.

Again....this and my last entry was, and is not to anyone in particular. So, more emails thinking it was "you" I am talking about. Unless you are feeling guilty.

To the "normals."

Please don’t get angry at my lack of interest in doing things, I punish myself enough. My tears are shed many times when no one is around. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to die....

Most of my "friends" are gone, even members of my own family have abandoned me. I have been accused of "playing games" for another’s sympathy. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because the burning and pain in my legs or arms is so intense I cannot put my clothes on and I am left in my tears as I miss out on yet another time out, going to places I still love and once participated in with my friends.

I feel like a child at times. When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. Please try to understand how it feels to have another go behind me in my home to make sure the stove is off. Please try to understand how it feels to "lose" things. As I try to maintain my dignity the Demon assaults me at every turn. Please try to understand….

Sleep, when I do get some, is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets have on my legs or because I twitch uncontrollably, or the "thread count" of the sheets aren't high enough. I walk through many of my days in a daze with the Fibro-fog, laughing at me as I stumble and grasp for stablity.

And just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn’t mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take that walk in the mall, the next day or even the in the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a cold drink because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. And there are those who say "but you did that yesterday!" The hurt I experience at those words, scars me so deeply that I have let my family and friends down again, and still they don’t understand….even how susceptible I am to viruses and germs.

On a lighter side I want you to know that I still have my sense of humor. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love my kids and shine when they give me my hugs. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field, is this too much to ask? I love you and want nothing more than to be a part of your life. And I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. Do you have a dream? I am your friend, your supporter and many times I will be the one to do the research for you, many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am of you, and how honored I am to have you in my life.

So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals… and this demon…. Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you and no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, win or lose, I will be there in ways that I can. I will give all I can as I can. But I have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that I have little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now. Please understand….

We become angry and depressed just as you do...... we struggle with being sick, to being angry that no one understands to stay away when they are sick. Then we become angry at ourselves for feeling selfish and thinking of ourselves.... thinking of the added stress on our lives... the added responsibility.... the added guilt. No one will ever know what it's like. So will anyone really ever understand what we're going through?

......just another day.

Getting up too early yesterday, made my day very long. I wasn't able to get a nap in. My daughter and I went to the mall because I needed to buy some new bathroom towels and wash clothes. We really needed them. Elder Beerman's had a great sale going on, so I bought them there. They were much more cheaper there, then they would have been at K Mart. Then, we walked to the other end of the mall, to an oulet store called Steve and Berry's. I got my daughter some terry cloth and sweat type pants to wear, so she doesn't wear her jeans. She looks so adorable with her tummy finally popping out! :o) I took the photo above last night. :o) After coming out of that store, I was so worn out, I had to sit down, and my feet and legs were swollen and "thumping!" I didn't think that I would make it back to Elder Beerman's, to get to my car. We did it! YAY! It felt like I was walking, and not getting anywhere! Like I was on a convayer belt. We got home, and I felt as if I just had been beaten and ran over and left to die! The pain was so bad! I had taken the advise of a friend of mine, that also has fibromyalgia, not to wear the same shoes everyday. And it does help a bit on my feet. I bought a new pair of slippers, and they feel great! I litteraly passed out from exaustion around 8:30 last night. I just couldn't stay awake any longer, nor move! It hurt way too much. I woke up this morning at 3:00! But, that is more sleep then I got the night before. So, I am gratefull for that. Today, my husbands mom is going to come over again to help me with unpacking, and putting things away. I don't know how I would have gotten all of this done, if it wasn't for his family and my friend helping me. :o) I thank them so much for thier help. :o) I don't know how I would have gotten so much done without help. No one else has offered. We are also going to get our washer and dryer today! YAY! My husbands dad made new basement stairs. So, we can now move things that belong down there. :o) Again, thanks to all that has helped me. :o)

Friday, December 3, 2004

Still more to do.

Yesterday, I took time with what I did. I can't afford to have my body in the pain it was in, within this past week. I emptied 4 more boxes, and it went well. They were the last of all the bathroom boxes. Trying to put 3 bathrooms of boxes, into one, that we have now, wasn't very easy. But now finally done. When my back started to hurt, I sat down, and rested. It may have taken longer, but well worth it for me. I unpacked a box that belonged to my desk. Of course I was able to sit down the whole time for that one. :o) Slowly but surely, I'm getting things done. I'm still not able to "grip" things, like a hammer, so I can hang things up. That would eliminate so many more boxes. My hands are still "acting" up on me. They are very swollen as well. Yesterday, I was walking down my hallway, using my walker, and some how, I twisted my right ankle! Thats my bad ankle. I suppose I must have moved my foot the wrong way, as I walked. I had to quite working around the house for awhile. It felt as if I re broke my ankle all over again! It was very painful. Once again, I'm up at 2:00! Not a good thing. 3 hours of sleep makes my pain so much more worse. Oh well...this is my life. I live in pain. And right now, a lot of it!

Thursday, December 2, 2004

A day of rest.

All I did yesterday was nothing. :o) It felt great! No unpacking boxes, and no cooking. I just sat with my feet up, played a few games on the computer, took a nap, and my duaghter and I took the whole day off. I can actually feel my body trying to feel better. Today, I'll only do the very easiest things. My body is in way too much pain to keep pushing it the way I did. Wasn't a good thing to do. I got up this morning at 5:15. 6 hours of sleep is very good. :o) My husband and my son finished cleaning the old house yesterday. When my husband got home to do it, my son had most of it all done for him. :o) That gave him more time for him to rest as well. :o) I'm just so glad to see how everything has been going so smoothly with this move. I was so worried about it. It's been a week now. Thats why I didn't feel the least bit guilty to rest. :o) I deserved it! :o)

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

.....feeling better?

I finally got some sleep last night. YESSS! I didn't do too much yesterday. I went with my daughter, to her OBG/YN appointment. He says she's doing fine.

When we came home, my one sister was here. I wasn't expecting anyone to be here, so it starteled me. All I wanted to do was to take a nap. By the time we got home, I had already been up for at least 8 hours, and I really needed to rest, so my body could feel a little better. I think it was going on 2:00 by the time she left. I then layed down. I got up, and no one was around. Everyone else must have went to bed too. I tried yelling for help, when I was in the kitchen, but I didn't get any responce. I came in and used the innercom to call my son, no responce. I really needed help in the kitchen, because I can't peel poatoes! My hands can't do that kind of work anymore. So....again, to get anything done in this house, you have to do it yourself, or it won't get done! I sat down at the table, and it took me over an hour to peel just a few potatoes out of a 5 pound bag! My hands were useless afterwards. :o(

After all of that, yes of course I was in much pain. I'm not to sit with my feet dangling. Plus, my hands. My left knee is getting better. I think. It appears that most of the fluid on my knee cap is gone. But, my thighs are still very swollen. And...yes..everything else hurts. Everything I've written about before. I don't feel like typing it, because it's too long. I'm taking today off!