Tuesday, July 29, 2008

~Hodge Podge

Good afternoon or morning. Hoping that all of you are doing good.

For the last week now, I've been having problems with sleep activity. Its been awhile since the last one.
Things were thrown about my bedroom and making messes. Last night and the night before has been not at all as bad as it was. I'm so glad for that. Because I do not want to walk and get hurt.
I'm going to call my sleep doctor for an appointment. Because right now, its just way to much for me, physically. I'm scared and I don't want to go to sleep at nights.
Today, my body is pretty sore. The day before, I just wasn't feeling right. Like maybe and 'Aura' before a seizure. And today, I have been weak and really shaky. I'm dizzy and alot of muscle cramping. ggggrrr And I am trying to figure all of this out.
I'm still having a downward spiral. Plus the 'Support' I'd like to have. My nerves are just shot. I'm more forgetful and that doesn't help me here, because If i can't remember something, I belittled. That hurt, which I said, "Just please hit me, because that kind of pain goes away alot quicker. So, yesterday was 'kiss ass' day.
If I am not able to go to sleep at night, I usually take 2 tablets of Melantonin.But it's been a long time since I've done that. I wish there was someone that can watch me when I'm sleeping.
I am so weak today and dizzy. I'm going to have to lay down here in a minute.
This morning, I was putting all of my pictures on cd to back things up if I need to. I'll keep doing it for just in case.
I think I need to go now. Thank you all for signing my guest book!:o)


Monday, July 28, 2008

~To each their own

Good morning or afternoon. I have to go see a doctor today so she can look at my mole on my face. She's a plastic surgeon. Maybe she can take care of a few things for me as well. :o) I hope she can take it off today so I don't have to go back.
I got my computer back on Friday. It had 2 major viruses on it. It didn't look to good. I forgot to take everything off of it to back it up. But the guy was able to fix it without having to take any of my things off. Whew!
I had fun with my daughter and my grandsons on Friday! :o) Those two are already scheeming together. lol Kayden will do something and when Nena asks him who did it? Kayden, lol, quicker then anything I've seen, points to Andrew! And Andrew just sits there and smiles! LOL She's going to have her hands full! LOL They both have those beautiful blue eyes. That will save them from being punished! lol
I love them so much. I wish I could get a hug and kiss from them everyday. I really miss that when they lived here.
I keep asking Nena if they could spend the night. We could make it fun for the kids. :o)
I seen my son this week as well. My heart goes out to him so very much. He's still looking for a job. He owes the landlord alot now. I wish I could help him. I can see stress lines on his face and I don't like it. I wish he didn't have to move out. :o(
Going now........................


Friday, July 25, 2008

~Living for today.

Good afternoon. To me, it's still morning. I slept in again. My nurse came in to take my blood. It's to see how much and what kind of medicine for my diabetes. I've had a few astma  attacks. Nothing that really put me down, but it made me tired. I'm still trying to remember what my doctor said. I do remember that I need three moles she wants me to get looked at. She is sending my to a dermatologist to have her look at them and remove them. And I think it's next Monday. Thats quick.
Yesterday my son came over. I miss him so much. I had him a couple of bags of food for him. That makes me feel better, then I know he's eating.
I'm glad it's Friday. Dh will be able to stay up late so he can watch oover me. This week wasn't a good one at night. I think that everyone knows about my sleep walking. My doctor got it down to sleep activity. I have 4 burn holes through my quilt. I also woke myself up and I was pouring water all over my quilt...a full bottle. So I've been kind of scared to go to sleep. I can't help the fact that I've been a sleepwalker since I was around 4. Ok, for 40 years! I think I wrote an entry about it, not sure. If not, I will.
Thank you for signing my guest book! :o) Comments and signing my guest book cheers me up. :o) Have a great day everybody! I'm going to. :o)


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

~My doctor's appointment.

I'm so sorry that I did what I say, "Don't take life for granted."

Since I've gained so much more weight within  these past few months, I have nothing to wear. I grabed what I could squirm into for now. Boy is it hot out there!
This doctor I seen today, is the one that I don't like. She was really on top of things today. She listened to me. My Placard is going to be gone in November and I asked if I can have that expanded. I do have another one. I showed her a long scratch that is on my right arm. I did that 2 months ago! It's still not healing. Shes said she was going to get labs done to see another medicine she can put me on for my diebetes. I don't even know what the first one is, they are all to hard to read. I showed her the tablet that I've been taking my vitals on. She looked and told me to check things maybe 2 times a week now. I thanked her for that one. I donn't like doing it anyways. I told her what has been going on right now in my life. She was actaully sympathetic. She put me on another pill for when I feel hurt and it will also help on other things I have. :o) I showed her the  red stuff that is on me. It kind of looks like, well I don't know. I'd have to take pictures to show. Its usually just on my face. This time my body did what its suppose to do...the red stuff was out full force. She asked me if I have the red stuff on any part of my body that the sun can not get to, and yes. I showed her and I also told her what it looks like in the evening. I wrote everything down before I went today. So glad I did, I am having a hard time speaking. I wore my Crocks, and my feet had swollen all the way to the shoe and I had to have someone take them off of me. My son was here and I'm very grateful for that. I'm forgetting what all was done and said. I have brain fog right  now. All in all, everything was taken care of.
I'll go for now.



After I post this entry, I need to get ready for my doctors appointment. I did find 2 sites that might help me and others.
Here is the first one.
The second one. I do hope that putting these out there for others to read, maybe this will stop! Because I'm not a door mat for no one anymore.


~I'm very embarrassed right now.

I'm sorry.I'm so deeply hurt. Very hurt.
If this journal came up to being private, reset.
I didn't do anything, I just went and layed down. I actually have 6 journals and 4 are private.
I did call my doctors and made an appointment for today at 3:00. Again, I'm very sorry about that. I'm going to put another entry in.


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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

~Pretty harsh.

You, anyone can take my life please! I hate it and it truly sucks!
I'm very shaky and crying. Who I thought was my best friend, and apart of her family, well, how about that, I was WRONG!!!! I'm hurting so very bad! I haven't been out of this house since May 19 for a doctors appointment! Because I can't make it to my car. It's not like I don't want to go anywhere.
I just got a 'slap' across the face while reading her journal. She has another friend now. And get this one.....She;s going all the way to Texas, and supposedly just got out of the hospital because of a 'heart attach!' ....to be with a new friend of hers to help her. Thats what I took as a slap! Because I've been here for her and I thought that "baby game "was over, (guess not) because we were emailing each other and I didn't get anything bad with them....so what I read this morning shocked me and I once again, feel betrayed! I need help, and I haven't seen her in awhile. :o( My heart is hurting pretty bad. So thanks for being my friend. And if writing in our journals, is what you want, I'll do it. She said that they've helped her. And? I wouldn't be a friend to someone just because they help me. Life really sucks! I so hope mine ends soon. And no, I'm not kidding...very serious! I have alot of pills that I can take! Don't think I won't!

*****Thats weird. I did have 10 comments and now I have 2*****

Monday, July 21, 2008

~Alittle of this and that.

Good morning. I've been up for awhile now. <sigh>
My problems with holding things is certainly not at all any better. By the time yesterday was ending...my whole bed had to be changed! I should start wearing something like maybe a tea towel.
And the reason I got up early, (not complaining) was I was having that "dry" cough. I got my inhaler and it really helped. I'm very thankful I have those...I have one in here on my desk, in the kitchen and in my bedroom. Because theres sometimes I'm not able to catch a breath, which is scary.
I was pretty dizzy and really out of it as well. I don't know how many times I fell. I didn't get any serious damage. Dh was here to help.
I asked Dh yesterday if he heard about whats wrong with my computer yet. He said that he called him and the guy said that he hasn't even had time to get to it yet! I also told him how much I like this laptop. He asked me if I would like one so I could move around with it. And we must have  been on the same wave link because I was just getting ready to ask him. lol Cool. :o) Like he even said, we know that a laptop couldn't hold what I put on the desk top. So by keeping the desk top, I'll have a place for everything.
Yesterday was very painful for me. I really don't know why. It just was. My butt felt as if I had been sitting in gravel, those bigger ones. And then the feeling of getting up from that! Ouchie! My whole body was hurting like that. gggrrr. So with me being dizzy and out of it and falling, and add on that feeling...I was just an accident ready to happen! I did stay in my bed alot though.
Geesh! There are days that I'm nothing but a space case! :o)
Oh...I've been forgetting to say this, "Lola, thank you so much for signing my guest book. That meant alot to me! :o)"
It means alot to me when all of you sign it. :o) Just on my sidebar.
The post that is called "1997" is a re-run from my journal. I feel that by writing my story, it could help someone else out there. I hope it does. As you've all seen, my children are doing great! Counseling did help each of us.
I wish I knew how to send pictures I have on my phone to my email address. I have to be a total moron! LOL My daughter showed me I don't know how many times, and she even wrote it down for me. LOL I still can't do it right. :o) Geesh!
I have some pictures that my daughter sent me and they are just too adorable to me. :o) I wanted to share them but, not when it comes to me. LOL :o)
I'm going to go now..........................



Sunday, July 20, 2008

~A poem

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me stare and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the boozers,and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
would rot away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking very well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
Was it God's mistake?.

And why's everyone so quiet,
Please Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He "They're all in shock.
No one thought that they'd see you."

Judge NOT.



**Please remember that "no one" can actually say what they would do, or why didn't I...) Just keep that in mind.**

1997 was such a great year for me and my family. Finally, things were really starting to happen with my in home business, Desktop Publishing and Designing and my freelance modeling! I was getting calls from New York, California, New Orleans, Arkansas and Chicago. Wow! I was actually making it! The California call wanted me for a lot of different things, one being a print add model. But, at that time, they were looking for someone with lighter color hair. I was put on a "hold." The call from New York wanted me for print work as well, but at the time, he told me I had too much of a "friends" look. Like Courtney Cox. Since that was such a big hit then, he needed another look as well, and he put me on a "hold." The one in New Orleans needed a hand and legs model. I got that job! The one in Arkansas wanted me to be in a video and print work! I got that one as well! As a freelance model, I had two contracts drawn up, that I would have signed. A models contract, and the photographer's contract. I was covered that way, no one could own my negatives but me, and the model contract...was very precise, how many hours and the amount I would be paid, etc... I wouldn't do a job unless they were signed and agreed upon. My husband and I had talked to both of them men that wanted me to model for them. We all talked for 3 months. I had to make a choice between the two of them, because of theirs and my time schedule. I picked the one in Arkansas, becasue I thought to be in a video would look good in my resume. Which would give me another leg up in the business. The more you did, the more work you got.I had this guy checked out by one of my photographers in PA. (Everytime I had an offer, I always had them all checked out to make sure they were who and what they said they were. Everyone of them did check out to be who they said they were.) I was to go down there for 2 days, on a weekend, and my brother in law was going to go with me as my body guard. The day came for me to leave. This was the beginning of October.( I can not remember why my brother in law couldn’t go with me.) I get a call from him letting me know that he would be late because his limo was in Cincinnati broke down and his agent and assistant were going to stay with thelimo. Ok. He said that the place the limo was, let him borrow one of their cars. Ok. It sounded legit. A white car pulled up in front of my house and a man wearing a cowboy hat got out. It was the man that I and my husband had spoken to many times. I'll never forget that voice! I got in as he was telling me all about the limo and that we needed to go get it and drop the car off. Ok. (I always took a plane everywhere else for a shoot) We got to Cincinnati and he was driving around looking for "this place." He said he lost the directions and address. hhhmmm! Red light came on! We stopped to get a soda from a machine. He got it for me .The next thing I remember is that he had to go to Nashville for some reason. (No limo, or agent or an assistant and still in the white car) He scared me so very bad by then. I do remember while leaving the state of Ohio, he kept asking ME to drive! I asked him why?( As a model, there are stipulations that are followed. Well, that I had and I followed. I was always set up in a nice hotel suit, had to eat 3 meals a day, no alcohol at all while on a shoot, bed time was at 10:00 and wake up was at 7:00. On the shoot at 8:00 and I did my own hair and make-up. They would buy my plane tickets and pay for the hotel suit. Any and all clothes that were provided, I kept. That was all stated in my contracts.) He told me that HE needed to get some rest before our shoot for the video! He pulled over and got out. I sat there. He made me get out and get in the drivers seat and drive! Red light! Finally, I get to Nashville. I called my husband. It was 10:00 p.m. He told me what to tell my husband. I did. He wore a 6 inch blade knife and did use it on me. I was scared! I told my husband where I was at and that I was fine and everything was going great! Just like all of my other shoots. I used a pay phone. The guy put gas in the car and again gave me another soda. I was drinking them, and not thinking anything wrong. I was feeling a bit strange since Cincinnati. I just assumed that since this whole ordeal was so different then I was used to, I was just tired and worn out and that’s why I was feeling so tired and sort of out of it a bit. The next thing I remember is being pulled by my arm into a jazz bar. I went to the bathroom, big mistake! Because when I came back, he had ordered a drink for me. I sat down and he was turned talking to an older couple and then had turned back to me and said that I needed to at least drink my drink, because he saidthat the older couple has bought it for me. I remember taking 2 drinks from that glass! All of the sudden, I couldn't move! I could only move my eyes! The music and everything was getting so loud and the room was blurry and I was very sick to my stomach. I could hardly even speak! I tried my best to ask him to take me home now….but it was so loud in there, I couldn’t get my voice any higher. He picked me up over his shoulders got me out of the bar and drug me to the car...and then put me in! I vomited white foamy stuff! The car door was open, and I couldn’t seem to stop the vomiting. He reached in the back, got in a cooler that he had, that I didn’t even see, and grabbed a bottle of water and told me to drink it because it would make me feel better. I grabbed the bottle of water and downed it! I remember putting my feet on the dash board and my hands up on the roof to have the feeling of holding on. Everything was spinning so fast. The next thing I remember was a gas station and I had a pair of my shorts on and a t-shirt! Not what I had on before! I was very dizzy, could move only slightly and the seat was pulled all the way down to where I was laying down. I was able to peak up just enough to see that I was at a gas station with all of the bright lights. I passed back out. We were still in Tennessee. I remembered that I called my husband at 10:00 and we were in Nashville! When I woke up, it was 6:00! There was no way that we could have still been in Tennessee the whole time driving to Arkansas! That’s 8 hours missing! Where did it go? I seen him coming back to the car, and he had more soda’s. Once he got back in, I asked him where we were and that’s how I know that we were still in Tennessee. I also asked him why I was in different clothes. He told me that I changed on my own! I knew better then that! I could feel something very different in my panties. I knew. He started driving and the sun was coming up. I ask him how much longer it would be to take me home. He told me that he wouldn’t do that and we were going to go where HE said! That was that! At 8:00 we got to Memphis! Each time I passed out, it took longer to get to where HE was going! The next thing I remember is my seat was up more and I could cotton fields all around. I asked him where we were. He told me that we were in Arkansas. I asked him what city. He said Batesville. I passed out again. In between the times that I wake up, I’m so thirsty, I can’t stand it. So, he gives me the water or thesodas he has and I down them! Then, I would pass out afterwards. It was like a cycle. Some kind of a control he had over me already from Ohio. At this time, my will to fight him was very weak. I still had a hard time speaking. I begged him to take me home. I cried. I was so scared. I knew that I was going to die. It was a very strong feeling. Plus, all the things that he was telling me…like, "I’m going to kill you when I get you there," that I believed! It was about 2:00 by the time we got to Batesville. I don’t remember the town, all I remember is this little shack that he told me to go into. I listened because of him carrying that knife and a gun he just so happened to have in the glove box of the car! As soon as I got in the door, he pushed me all the way to the other side of the room and onto the couch. He proceeded to repeatedly rape me. I didn’t know what he was going to do to me next, it was always something that had to do with a knife. The threats. There was a table on one side of the room that had a Bible and a few other items, and he said that they belonged to his grandfather. It was set up like a shrine of some sort. He would go over to it, kneel down and talk and ask questions. That was even scary. After he would do this little ritual, then he would start ranting and yelling at me and rape me all over again! I tried fighting him but I was still under the influence of what ever it was that he was drugging me with. I was still passing out. I would wake up very thirsty and he always had a pepsi ready for me to drink in a glass, not in the can. Again, I didn’t think, I just drank it. Another red flag! It was dark out when I woke up again. I was in another room. This room was his room. It seemed to be like a "command" post or something like that. He had his computer a huge recording system, a large box and a very large safe. I was on this "makeshift" bed. Each time I woke up, he had me drink what ever he had in a glass for me, and he was always talking to himself! I did, however, leave his phone number at home for my husband to be able to get ahold of me. So, down deep inside, I knew that he would call to check up on me if he didn’t hear from me. Because I was suppose to be at this hotel, and the number of the hotel I had left at home as well. So, I knew he would be calling there. The next thing that I can remember is that a day had gone by and I didn’t know it. I had been out that whole time! I woke up and he had told me that my husband had calledfor me. He also told me that he let him know not to call there ever again! He had his knife, and was wailing it around while telling me this and was talking in that crazy voice. After that, I was no longer to go to the bathroom by myself. I was allowed to take a bath, but he had to sit in there with me with his knife and gun. Each time I was allowed to eat, he cooked, it was his left over’s. He wouldn’t let me get my own drink. I was still passing out. But, not vomiting like the first time. He put me back in his room. He got out this box out of one of his drawers in his computer desk. He opened it, and it had white powder in it and a small type straw, a mirror and a thing that might have been a credit card or just a regular playing card. I can’t remember. He looked at me and told me that he was giving me this stuff in my drinks and that he mixed it in with other things hat he gave me! He warned me that I was not to get near that drawer that it was in. By this time, I had no concept on what day it was or time or even eally how long I had been there, I think it was three days. I knew I had another shoot to get to that week in PA. But I couldn’t keep my mind working right, no matter what I did. He went back to talking to himself and out I went again. The next day I tried to get up on my own to try and sneak the phone. I got caught. That really set him off! He went to that shrine and started ranting things and swinging his knife and gun around and pointing the gun right between my eyes! I thought that was it for me. Again, I was put back in that room in that bed. I was given a drink and I was out once again. Each time I was passed out, I was raped. He had a Polaroid camera. I seen that he had taken photo’s of me in my bra and panties propped up in his computer chair with a guitar in my lap/hands! My head was drooped and my eyes were closed! I couldn’t believe what was happening to me! And what was he going to do with them? Or did? Then I remember that he let me call my husband. But, he sat next to me with the knife in my side. I do mean it was in my side. He told me hat I could say to him, and most of it wasn’t very nice. If I hesitated on saying anything, the knife went in my side further. After that, The next thing I can remember is actually being back in Piqua…Home! I don’t remember the car ride there! I remember him giving me orders on what to do and what to say. And I did it. I was scared. He had my kids with him at a hotel room in town and he gave me a time limit to do the things that he wanted me to do, and if I didn’t, then they would be hurt. I was to call my husband, ask him for money, take more clothes, move things to a storageunit and than go back to the hotel room at a certain time! I only remember bits and pieces of that day! I remember when I seen my husband, I said to him, "please help me." He didn’t hear me…he thought I said something else and walked away from me! I didn’t have the strength to yell, but I did. He was too far away from me to hear me. Plus he was mad at me for the things that I was made to say to him and to do. :o( I got in the car and cried so hard. I went back on time. The next thing I remember is back in that shack once again, but with my kids! He kidnapped my kids too! I still have no idea how many days this has been. My daughter told me that she was there for 3 or 4 days. He didn’t do anything to her. Thank God. How she was saved was apparently my sister was at my house that day, and she called her dad, and somehow he found us, and flew down there and got her! There was a knock on the door early in the morning. The guy looked out the window and seen that there were 3 police cars out there! I was to answer the door and have the kids with me. He had the gun and the knife and the phone with someone else already on the line! I answered the door, and when I seen that it was her dad, I started crying and was telling them all that he was going to kill me! Her dad got my daughter and I told him, he was going to kill me! The guy came around the corner of the wall in the shack and yelled out, "she means her husband." I said no! And then they left! It was then my son and I left there. I knew my daughter was safe with her dad. But of course I was very sad that she was taken from me. Court wise. But, I understand. At that time, no one knew what was going on. My daughter told her dad, but he didn’t believe her. He told her that things like that just don’t happen in small towns, only big cities! Yea right! I remember that since my son was there, the guy put a blanket up in the doorway of that room. One time, he made my son sit right out in front of that blanket to hear him rape me! :o( More then once. :o( Then drugged again. In the box that was in that room were things from other people. And in the safe that was in that room was full of photo’s of girls! He was having my son forge different names on these different documents! He showed my son a certain thing to do on line to do for him aswell! :o( It of course was illegal. He had tried to a few times to get rid of my social security card! He told me that by doing that, then no one could find me. Thankfully it didn’twork. He used my son as a slave. He was going to sell him. He worked him hard. My son would sit in the corner and cry and rock back and forth. :o( I held him and did the best that I could to comfort him. He was 15. My daughter was 12. We seen no hope in getting free. Halloween came along, and I was made to dress and act like a little girl. I mean to really act like I was a little girl, maybe the age of 10! I was shown his knife if I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I did because people actually thought I was his daughter! :o( And that my son and I were brother and sister. :o( So, that means that I was there for a month now. Which I still didn’t realize at the time. And to this day, it still only seems like I was there maybe a weekend to 5 days! My son seen what the guy was doing to me, and how he was doing it. So, he would get me drinks. I was starting to get a bit stronger each day. He would grab me up, when the guy would be in town, and take me out side and walk me around. It gave me back my mind. I was getting stronger mentally. But, when the guy was around, I acted like I wasn’t until I seen a loop in a way of getting out of there. That day came. The guy was gone and I found the phone and called my husband at work. I told him as fast as I could what was happening to us. He was hurt. :o( My son was the look out for me, and the guy was coming so I had to hang up and get back in the bed and act like I was asleep. It was close, but we did it. I don’t know how long this was since Halloween. A few hours later, my husband called there. The guy answered. He was yelling at my husband, and wouldn’t let him talk to me. I begged him. He let me as long as he sat next to me with the knife in my side. Of course, I agreed. He was telling me things to say, and I would say them, and my husband knew already that I was only doing that because I had to. Then I had an idea, just to see if it would work. I asked if I could go to the bathroom, and he said yes! By myself, with the phone too! This was it! This was our way out! I knew it was! I went to the bathroom and the guy was out side of the door listening. So, I was talking like he would want me too, then in a low voice, tell him where we were and to come and get us. Then I came out of the bathroom and the guy started yelling at me. I know he knewwhat I did. At that point, I really didn’t care. I was still on the phone with my husband. He told me that he was on his way! I know it was dark out. There were no t.v. or anything like that there. Except for his computer. He did let me on it once to talk to my best friend and at that time she lived in Chicago. And he st right next to me with the knife in my side. I IM’ed her to talk, and we know each other well enough, and after a few sentences, I would type in, "seriously." She got it! Between her and my husband, they figured out where were. My daughters dad did call my husband, but wasn’t much help. He did tell my husband that yes, I did look like I was drugged or something! Well hhmmmm! Because of the way I looked and what I was saying! Real swift. Well, that night all hell broke loose! The guy figured out that my husband was on his way. There was a shed out behind this shack, and it was in the 40’s that night, very cold. He made me and my son stay out there. Then he changed his mind. He brought us back in and told my son to sit at the computer and told me to get in the car. He called that "friend" of his, and told him to watch my son and to keep the gun on him, and make sure he didn’t go anywhere. He put duct tape, yellow nylon rope, blue tarp a blanket 2 sticks with a rope tied to them He told me that he was going to kill me! He had his knife and his gun. We were driving and we were going through this small town called Evingshade, I remember that because of the t.v. show. There were cars in front of us and cars behind us. A police officer had pulled him over. He had a tail light out, and expired tags. I have no idea how the police officer could have see that! It was pitch black! He told the guy to get out of the car and put him up against the back of the car and had him stay there. He asked him where we were headed to, and I have no idea what the guy told the officer. The officer then came over to my side of the car, opened the door, bent down and I had a huge blanket on me because it was so cold. He put his hand on my knee, and look right in my eyes, and told me to go home! I just looked at him…he had such a glow about him and this twinkle in his eyes! The, he told the guy to turn back around and to go home! Then I realized he was an angel! Because he did turn around and went back to that shack! The phone rang, and it was my husband! I told him the city I was in and to help me! To this very day, I truly believe the officer was an angel! He saved mylife and my sons! My husband got there, and we were held at gun point until he let us leave! I told the police what had happened. Nothing could be done they said! It was my word against his!? Yes...I was drugged with GHB, and something else, I can't remember.
This is what I remember. I talked to both of my kids tonight about this, and this is what they remember as well. My son says that we were there for two months. I thank God for saving us all! I truly hope by posting this, it will help someone out there. I was very naive.





Saturday, July 19, 2008



This is the message that the Pacific Palisades California High School staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:


You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!


Piss And Moan

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning!

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I'm just warning you now that this entry 'might' not be all good. Just "Life" is happening. Thats all.

My computer is still at the computer hospital. I don't know whats wrong yet.
I'm using my old laptop. I have it on the computer table and I like it much better then the bigger computer. Only because it dosent take up so much space. I like it this way. Maybe if I ask for one for my birthday, I might be able to get one.
Well...I know this will really bore you but, I have no idea of whats wrong with me this week and still today. It seems that I'm not able to get enough sleep. I slept 14 hours last night! Wow! Plus I take 3-4 hour naps! I'm not up for very long. I'm getting very dizzy as well. My legs and feet are still not swollen. My upper body is though.
I'm going to call my doctor. I am also having high BP's. That could be the culprit right there. I was almost ready to go to the other ER. I felt that bad! But someone wouldn't let me out of the house. I'm weak and it's always used against me. Not very nice. My daughter and my son call me on their cell phones. They don't want to call the house phone because of who might answer. My daughter called me and asked how I was. I told her what happened. She called my son, then he called me. He knows how someone can get. I just told him that I'm just going to stay here so I don't have the stupid stuff happen. They both were upset. But they also understand.
I so truly love my kids unconditional. And I know and feel how much they love me.
When they're able to come over during the day, they both help me as much as they can. I really appreciate it. During the day time is when I'm scared.
All week, I've been shaking real bad and of course the dizziness. I might have forgot something but oh well. :o)
I've also been thinking about going ahead and stay in a elderly home. I need a vacation pretty bad! Thats the only way I could have one. I was trying to save up $200.00 so I could go to the Comfort Inn here in town. They have hot tub rooms. I have done this before a few times and wow...what a hudge difference it made on me mentally and of course physically. I'll try at it again to save up the money. :o)
I'm going to go now. I have a few things to do. I pray that everyone has a great day!


Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Hello to all of you that actually reads my journal. :o)

Some have probably noticed that I was gone. My computer committed suicide a few days ago. So its at the computer hospital for a few days and much needed rest. :o)
I've been using my 9 year old lap top. :o) So glad it still works! :o)
Well, my back/spine hurts like i'm being 'sliced' open. My shoulders are killing me as well. I really should go and put my sling on to take some pressure off. Of course...the pain is going right down to both hips and legs and anckles and feet. I don't know how many times on Sunday my left foot was numb and I didn't know it until I stood up. I haven't been sitting with my legs crossed like I like to. (it takes the pressure off of my back and hips) I only have been sitting that way in my bed.
Ok...I want to say something that I've been dealing with since last Wednesday. It litterally scares me to death.
I really haven't felt right for awhile now. A disconnected feeling. Just not all the way there. When I wake up, wether it be from a nap or all night, my head feels weird and I have room spins and very dizzy. I also don't know if its day or night as well. I already know that I'm not all there anyways, but this is scary to me. And I'm alone during the day. My mom is suppose to be my day time care giver. I just wait.
I'll call dh and he tells me what the day is and talks me through some  of the rough parts I'm going through as well. This is all before I get out of bed. And when I do get out of bed, I'm just all over the place. Dizzy and weak. And if Madia is here, she does help me. :o) Bless her. :o) My son has her right now, we both have visitations with her. lol :o) My son has her then we have her and she loves it. :o) None of us can just take her out of our lives. :o) Shes my baby girl. :o)
I do the things that are the most important when I do get out of bed. Then I sit down until I am feeling just a bit better.
And...so far so good with my swelling! :o) YaY!
It's also been great this week for me! No one and nothing has been here or happening! :o) I am really taking advantage of it too. :) I've asked for a back rub, my feet, and neck. I felt as if I was the luckiest woman in this world! :o) I'm not too sure about my legs. On my left shin, I have this knot that won't go away with me rubbing it. My skin color is fine and no traces of any brusing. So I'm treating it like it's a baby. If it's not broken, don't fix it kind of way. That works for me.
This week has been pretty good so far with helping me. I printed out this 3 page information last week for him to know what to do and how to do it. He read it and ever since, hes been helping me more. Last night when we were watching Big Brother, he was talking to me and his voice craked a bit, and he appoligized for the louder tone! I told him that he doesn't have to do that, its when you scream and yell at me when you're mad and drunk. I just wanted him to know the difference in what the print out ment.
Well, so far I'm only dizzy, no room spins. I guess I scared him I think it was on Monday. Wow! When he got home, he waited on me hand and foot. (i hate that because I feel incapable of doing things myself) Yesterday, he actually come home to check on me! WOW! He said that he wanted to see if I was alright, even though I tell him on the phone I am, and he had to see. He has already called me twice now.
I've lost more of my hands. and he's noticed that one himself. Without me going to him and showing him. All of what is going on with me lately, hes noticed. I just stopped showing him because I felt he didn't care because of the way he can treat me.
I am in alot of pain once again today. Geesh! I think it's been about two months now since I've gone anywhere. But with all of the swelling that is on my middle, nothing is fitting me. Yes, my whole upper body is still swollen, even my face. I look like I was punced several times about the face.
Just as long as my legs, feet and ankles don't swell, I feel ok.
Going to go now. I'd like to start my memoir soon.



~Fortune Teller

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible
death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:



"Will I be found guilty?"


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Sunday, July 13, 2008


I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!



3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

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Friday, July 11, 2008



~Just me.

Good morning or afternoon. And hoping that all of  you are feeling/doing better.

It seemed as though yesterday was just long and dragging out. I was finding things to do to keep the day feel as least alittle more quicker.
My home health aide came and my nurse. My food delivery was also yesterday. I did, however show my nurse my vitals, and how they have been for the last two weeks. I already knew this but she couldn't believe my morning vitals. Because I wake up and take them before I get out of bed. She feels that I'm under too much stress. Little does she know.

If nothing is said to a nurse or someone like them, that come everyweek, how do they know that you are going through exactly what I truly am? Because she bent down and told me I need to think about a few things plus, to try not to let him do this to me. I told her thank you for at least talking to me. And she gave me a hug. She is the most sweetest lady.
I'm very thankful that I have her.
When my home health aide came, I asked her how they know. She said by just looking around the house. I do not understand that, so I just let it go.

I just got a call from my case manager. I had asked her how much in funds do I have. She told me that I have a little over $2200.00 a month. She said that I should be hearing about someone fixing my door way. I would love to have privacy. And with locks as well.

The night my daughter and my grandsons came over was a God send, no kidding. I knew I was going to get it that night. My son was here when I got the news about a friend of mine. I just stoped and started crying. My kids understand my side of this situation and my son just told me not to let him know about it. I should have listened to him. But like I told him, that it hurts me and I don't know if I could actually stop crying. It's just being human with feelings.
Well, he came home and opened my door to let me know he was home. I wasn't crying. I said, "Ok, thank you for letting me know." And then he asked what was wrong with me. So I told him. OMG! He just stood right in front of my bed and did nothing but stare me down. He's Italian and has these black eyes that can throw daggers at you! He asked me how I knew. And I told him. He left my room and went outside. I had called and talked to my daughter. I already knew that my son and his girl friend were on their way. And my daughter was coming over as well. After everyone left, I went straight to my bedroom. And here he came.

He once again told me to not be in contact. I told him that I'm not the one that called her husband to let him know that he will do everything in his power to keep us apart and that he didn't want to be friends with him as well. They did nothing to him. I miss my friend so bad. But now I see what he did to 'help' make us double think each other(my friend). He would tell me lies about a situation and I thought that they (my friend&dh) were doing it.
Last night, I asked him if he could soak my feet for me. He did with some sighs. He brought it up again! Geesh! Yes...I am VERY worried about my friend and he doesn't like that and I don't know why. It's just plain weird. How does he expect me to just turn off my feelings for my best friend? I can't, I've always said that she was my sister. And, I still feel that way.
After he did his staring game and he went to empty the bowl, I just went to my bedroom and just stayed there. I aapreciat that he did do my feet. I wish I knew the, "why" that he keeps me apart from her.
There isn't anything that I can talk about that I don't mention her name. Because we were that close. <gggrrr>
I do have some good news.....my legs and feet went down almost to normal! Yay! :o) They look weird now, because it's been so long since I've seen them like this. lol :o)
My upper body is still swollen. It should soon go away too since my legs and feet went down. Yesssss! :o)
The first picture that I have posted looks like my kids! lol
Can I ask everyone a favor? Could you please say a prayer for my friend? She is very ill. I worry about her so much and wish I could help her in some way. Thank you.
It has taken me 1 hour and 10 minutes to post this! My hands are old and sore. :o)
I do need to go now.

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Psalms 55:22



Thursday, July 10, 2008

~One day, my words will count!

Yes, I have attitude today. You know when you get "that gut feeling" about something/someone and you either act on it, or you just second guess yourself and go for it? I do both. The reason I do it now as an adult at my age is mostly because everyday, I'm challenged with someone. No matter what "I" say matters or counts. And it never really did.
About 23 years ago, I was presented with a challenge. I had a gut feeling, but I didn't listen to it. And I very well should have! Hind sight is always 20/20, but still I didn't listen.

I actually had 2 choices. Oh well. And I end up with a life time of pure hell!
I've never in my life seen anyone as callous as this person. And being proud of it!
Has anyone ever had someone/spouse call up your best friend and their husband to tell them that they would do everything in their power to keep my friend and her family apart from me? And when I say, "That I've lost my friend" during my newly diagnosed health issues, thats how it happened. I don't matter! It's what matters to someone/spouse. And this was done behind my back. I was not in the room when it was done and I don't know what was said. I was told to not talk about this in my journal. Right now, I don't care. I have no one to talk to except for my children.

I've been apoached about me going in an Elderly home! Why?
The reason's that both of my children moved out was because of someone. My heart hurts because of this. I did my best to shelter them. But they heard the yelling. Yes, I do realize that I do need to find a safer place, but I fear someone will do what they have always done to me when I would leave/move.

I always appreciat everything that is done for me. But not the head games and the intimidations and threats.

Sorry about the vent, but I truly needed to release. I've held this in me Since last November. I think it was November. And it was taking a toll on me, so I had to release. Theres plenty more, but not right now. I've upset myself and I'm feeling the way I did when this was all said and done. I would have much rather been punched in the gut instead of all of this crap.

When I woke up this morning, I took my vitals like always. My BP was 198/168. Pulse, 102 and sugar, 170. Last night it was BP, 166/103, Pulse, 103 and sugar was 164. And in the morning yesterday, BP, 143/129, Pulse, 89 and sugar, 165.
Yes, I show my vitals to my nurse that comes on Thursdays. She doesn't know why my doctor isn't doing anything about it. I wonder too. Because I take the tablet in when I see her, and she see's them.

I really have no idea as to what's normal and what isn't.
I'm still cramping up. Not nearly as much as I was. I'm thankful that it has slowed down. My case manager come by yesterday for my yearly assement. She had to ask questions etc... One of the questions asked was, "How many hours does my primary care taker spend on me, like rubbing my feet, my back and legs, and things like that, to make me feel comfortable. My answer was 1 hour! I couldn't think of anymore.

Yes, I do ask him but if he doesn't feel up to it or if he gets a call from someone and if my daughter and grandsons come to visit. They all come first. And when he does rub my back, etc... I really appreciate it. And I feel bad when I thought about the time and it would only amount to maybe 1 hour.
One day I and my words will count, mean something. Because they do to me.
And telling someone to not tell anyone about...what he says to me about others or just about anything, and I don't like that. I could slip up (and I do) and say it. I think he tells me this is to see if I said anything. I don't care anymore. I really don't. And to do my best to forgive him of taking my best friend out of my life. Thats a hard one! And very hurtful.
My home health aide is here, so I need to end this.

~Pictures of my boys

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

~I'm too old for this/ouchie

Good morning and afternoon. Doing great I hope.
I had so much to write about, and now I can't think what it was. lol Geesh!
I'm still not feeling up to par. I've been making myself laugh alot over the last few days! They're my "Duh" moments. :o) On Monday morning, I yelled to see if dh could start my coffie. Didn't hear him. (we do this all the time with our cell phones, call each other to see where he's at, and how I'm feeling). So I called his cell phone to ask him. That was one of the mornings that scared me, so I really wanted to get ahold of him. When he answered the call, I asked if he could start my coffie for me. He said that he couldn't, so I asked where he was. At work! :o) A major "Duh"! lol But I guess I scared him when I was talking because he already knew that I was out of it because of the seizure, but I sounded much worse I guess. I scared myself...I was feeling what he was hearing! Yesterday, wasn't much better. Still having a very hard time waking up in the mornings and getting my head straight. I'm still pretty dizzy as well.
This morning when I woke up, it was the same way! My case manager is coming over today, so I'll ask her what I should do about this. I mean my whole mind is not at all working right! Yes, this is scary. I knew it would take longer for my mind and body to get back to normal after a seizure. Only because of having the fibromyalgia. The muscles are really cramped up. I could use a deep tissue massage right now.
So, I just continue to do what I have been doing. The last one I had didn't affect me this bad. (last year) I guess I'm getting to old for this stuff! lol
I still haven't seen or heard from my mom. <sigh> Don't take me for granted.
I was so glad to see my daughter and her cute little family! Boy the babys are growing. :o) I can't believe how big Kayden is getting. And little Andrew! lol He is so much like my daughter at that age! lol
And...he has these huge thunder thighs! lol
Well....I'm going for now. Have a great day, and make sure you do or find something to make you laugh! :o)


"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."
           --Matthew 5:9

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


One evening, while thinking I was being funny,
I said to my wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes
in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take an inch or 2
off of your butt!"!

My wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning I took a pair of underwear out
of my drawer, "What is this?" I said to myself as a little dust cloud
appeared when I shook them out.

"Connie", I hollered into the bathroom,
"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied.....

It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"


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Monday, July 7, 2008

~This is life/I tell it like it is to me


Yesterdays entry wasn't meant to be so long. When I sit down to talk, more will come out then normal. LOL To me, I like it when others do that. :o)
Yesterday I was pretty dizzy and kind of out of it. This is how I get after a seizure. It was about 10 minutes this time! YAY! :o) I don't at all like the long ones. I was living in Indiana at this time, I think it was around 1987-88. Someone had to be with me at all times just in case I did have a seizure. I would spend the night with my grandparents. During this time, I also was working at a fast food. I was there a few times and had one of those seizures that you keep going...theres a name for it, but I don't remember. lol...I can remember all of this, but not what it was called. :o) My doctor wanted the ambulance called each time they happened. In the ER they would give me an i.v. and put medicine in it. I think it was Volume (SP). I could come out of them real fast. And then sent home. And yes, it still does take my body about 3-5 days to get all back to normal. Even with the smaller ones. It's that time of year it seems. Its just like I already know the season/time that they are more likly to come on. This is it. Now last night, I wasn't feeling 'right.' Plus all during the day, I was having some severe muscle cramping. I felt real dizzy and just disconnected. About 7:00 pm., I got so dizzy and room spins. I was really not feeling just right. So I just layed down and went to sleep. I woke up this morning at 8:45 am.! Wow! Now thats a lot of sleep. For me anyways. :o)

Having a seizure is kind of like just having a headach to some. I've had them basically all my life, so I know what to do. I take Clonazapan and another medicine put with it to help with the seizures.
I'm very excited today....my kids are coming over today! :o) A big YAY! :o) I really miss them. :o) When they're coming, I have no idea. lol The way the two of them are, they can tell you one time and be here at another. lol Geesh! :o)
I got a phone call from this company yesterday that is like Advanced Medical. My case manager sent in a request for me to have utensels with large handles with a grip, a special plate, bowl and cup and a bib. I thought it odd to call on a Sunday. but on the other hand, I'm glad they did. :o) I do really need a bib as well. You should see all of my things I wear, food stained in the front because I shake and am not good at holding things anymore. <sigh>

This is all apart of my everyday life. I've really had to buy so many new things because I'm not able to use all of the regular things that I used to. I just got this pare of clippers that have a thing to wrap around your fingers a certain way. They work! Boy am I glad. It was really getting hard to do my nails. And my home health aide isn't allowed to do them. Which I do understand why.

I'm starting to feel 'funny' again. I'm not going to go anywhere. And if I do, it will just be to my bedroom. I usually walk around the house for exercise. Not today. I have the air on in my bedroom so it'll be nice and cold in there. I like it meatlocker cold. :o)
You know, mediforically thinking, if a child is shy almost all of there life, and then finally one day they jump out of that shell. And when older, others say things to you like, "Oh don't let it bother you," or "You're reading more into it, "No...they weren't 'using' you." Well...what would you do and how would it make you feel "IF" someone let you know personally that something you did was better than others and it looks like you'll get it. And to let you know how much someone can write and write and, still will not show case it?

Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you."
– Dr. Wayne Dyer

Sunday, July 6, 2008

~50 Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot

turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".


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~The product.

Good morning. Hoping all are doing well today.

I thought I would write about a few things in my life when I was growing up. Maybe it will help you understand where I'm coming from now, as an adult.
I can remember as far back as a baby in my crib. I also remember that I had to wear braces on my feet to help turn my legs in. I don't know how or why I do remember so far back. There must be a reason just like there is a reason that I have all of the illnesses.
I do know that I'm a product of a rape. I know the road that it happened on as well. It's very creepy at night.

I remember that my step father was our breadman. I never liked him. I could see a dark mist around him. At this time I think I was 3. Actually, the only thing that I remember of my biological father is when he came to the door one time and all I seen was a dark shadow because the sun was in my eyes. He was a very tall man as well. He was not in my life.
But my mom married the breadman. I was not very happy about that at all. My grandma took me to see my uncle race at the fair grounds while they were getting married. She tried to calm me down, but it really didn't work. Because I knew I had to live with him.
We lived in the next town south of here. Then we moved to this town. We lived in a bottom apartment. In this house is where I can remember fully of things "moving" around. I would also see people that you could walk through. I could hear them talking all night in my room. My step dad also had this and so did my mom. And not that long ago when I was doing the family tree, my grandma had it and her mother and so on.

This is just going all over the place. :o) I have so much I want to tell and it's getting all a mess now. :o) Sorry about this. Bare with me. :o) Ok, enough about all of our gifts.
I was a very painfully shy little girl. I had to go to kindergarten 2 times! lol :o) If a teacher called me, my face turned red and I was mortified! :o) I know when I had my children, I raised them in a consious way of not being shy, getting out in the world, and you can be and do what ever you want, evenif it was more then one thing. Well, All of you kind of know my children. I'm so very proud of them. And of course we went through the drug and drinking stuff. I took parenting classes to try and see what I could do different to help. I even took a tough love class. They had me crying during the classes! But, I did do what they suggested and it worked. :o)
Like I said, this entry is all over. :o) I hate it when I have so much to say, and I do this! lol

I'll go back to when I was 6, because I really want to tell you about this. I don't think I already have. One night, when I was in my bed, I heard this 'groaning'. At that time, my bed was in the living room. We were poor, small house and 3 children, they had to do something for all of us to have a room.
I had heard this groaning before, but not as loud. I opened my eyes (because I'm the type of person that has to see, and not hide) and there right in front of me at the end of my bed was an elderly man. All of the sudden, he came forward and 'fell' into me! The last thing I can remember is my own body did  jolt. The next morning, I woke up in bed between an elderly couple two houses down. I got scared and asked for my mom. Well, I found out that the elderly man was married to the elderly woman down the street and that our house is where they lived. She remarried. So, my body was a vehical for him to use. After that, I was able to keep certain things in order, like when I did see someone, I could tell if they were dead or not. It got easier from then on.
I was still very shy all through school. It made my grades low. I got in big trouble for that! I'd get the 'belt.' My stepdad thought I could do better (which I could if I wasn't so shy and feared him), he was smart and thought if he could do it, then so could I. Not so. That man had me more upset then anything. I was always in the hospital for ulcers.
I was seeing a sychyatrist (SP) and he actually told my mom to have me quit school!!! OMG! In May of my junior year, I had to go around to each class and have the teacher sign a paper for me. I cried. I knew then that this phys. guy needed help himself! All I had left to do was the rest of May which was two weeks and half of another year. I did get my GED. :o)
In high school, I was having alot of problems with my siezures being under controll. They were all the time and almost everyother day.

When my son Andrew died, I knew I had a long road ahead of me to fix the things that really needed it. My doctor at that time, told me way back then that I had the back of a 90 year old, and my body itself seemed much older for a young person. He was a great doctor and person as well. He was my neuro, and just everything doctor...I didn't have to go to all kinds of doctors when I saw him. I miss that. And him. But when I think back to all these years, He already knew. He died because of a faild kidney transplant. I have tried and tried to get my records from that office and know one knew where they were. And I know that those records holds the key to solving my health. He also knew about my stepfather raping me and the beatings.
I wonder if I can somehow look it up on the web.
I'll keep trying to get them. And my childrens as well.
Just thinking...all I did while growing up was stay in my bedroom. Imagine that one. Gee...what do I do now?! My mom always said that my bedrooms looked like little hotel rooms. I was almost OCD with my clothes, shoes and laundry. My bed and well, everything else. My clothes were always orginized...by color, season and size. My shoes were set in a row. I would never just slip my shoes off my feet because it made the backs go bad. I also could tell if anyone was in my room when I wasn't at home. I know, lol I'm weird! :o)

Last night, dh and I went out to the front porch to sit and water my flowers and plants. It felt good. I have a bench sitting under the mailbox and close to the front door. I was sitting in my chair which is by the edge where I have my roses. All of the sudden, my right side of my body started shaking. I had a bottle of water in my hands and dh seen my face and jumped up to help me. He knew that it was a seizure as well as I did. It really came on pretty fast. He scooped me up and got me in my bed. After a few minutes, I went into one. I'm used to having them, since I've had them when I was about 6 months old. I don't know how long it lasted, I forgot to have dh time it for me. My doctor needs to know these things.
So today, I feel like a train hit me, a bus and like I fell 80 feet! <uuuggghhh> It usually takes me about 3-5 days to get myself back to normal again. The older I get, the harder they are on me.
Gotta go fornow. :o)
<-----<------<----Don't forget to sign my guest book please. :o)

"The point is not to pay back kindness but to pass it on."
– Julia Alvarez



Saturday, July 5, 2008

~Pictures from my daughters family vacation.

Sorry that there are so many but, I just had to put the ones up that are posted. :o)



When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.


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Friday, July 4, 2008

~An understanding.

I love this graphic for what it says. Thats me, now. Nothing can stop me now from dancing again, because it's a part of my memories now, the good ones! :o)
I haven't been on line for a bit. I just didn't have the energy to. People that know me knew I really wasn't feeling good at all. No, not any of my illnesses, just so many other things. (well, a few pangs of my illnesses)

I didn't even have any doctors appointments to go to. :o) Yay! Accually, I don't have any for this month at all. That feels strange! lol
Dh and I were just talking last night, not about really anything in specific. I told him about this lady that came on Monday morning to talk to me. I told him what it was about as well. I brought up an idea of mine to rearrange my two rooms. He agreed. We now have 3 empty rooms up stairs. Thats going to help.
I started talking about how I felt about leaving this house. Because I hear others with something that "will" help me. When I say that "I'm just too tired," they think sleepy tired. Thats not at all the case.

When I was talking to dh last night, he finally understood what I meant. It is hard to explain what I mean. My body is tired, but my soul is not. I'm ready.
I have this certain peace in my soul thats so content. :o) And I like it this way. I love the feeling that I have thats ready. :o)

Thats me, my soul is still so young at heart. I still play when my body lets me. My grandsons are what I live for, as well as my son and daughter. It's just me here now in the daytime. My son worked, but was only called in when they had more parts to do. He's afraid that with whats going on in this world, he might not be able to keep his job and be let go. I pray that that does not happen. This week, he moves out and lives now in another city. Now that really upset me. I know he needs to go, but I guess I'm an old motherhen that likes to keep her chicks and chicklets either living here or very close to me. I of course cried my eyes out. I'm getting better. Its just so funny how I can get! LOL :o) Sometimes I make myself laugh! :o)
My dughter and her cute little family went on a vacation to Gatlinburg again. This time, they took the babies. ;o) Everything went great. My oldest grandson (hes 3) loved riding the elevater! It has glass on one side so you can see the inside of the hotel. :o) I'm just so thankful that they were fine. She did get some pictures. I'll find them and post them. :o)
I do need to go. Dh went to the little carnival the city has on every 4th of July to get chicken dinners and sugar waffles! mmm mmm! :o) It's sitting out there in the kitchen! :o)
Love you all! :o)

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

- Allan K.

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JULY !!!

Please don't forget our troops!



In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat
ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some
discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses
he lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the
young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

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Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Hello. Just wanted to say that I'm still here. I've been going through a lot, and it isn't my health for a change.

~Bubbles and Barbie

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised
their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all
his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two
blondes kept their promise. They set off from
Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in
a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out
far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideand
finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not
yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... Again
Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far
enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side
and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never
do, the water is only up to my chest.'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie
slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of
time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting
worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface
gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,

'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'