Friday, June 27, 2008

~Am I really awake?

Not alot has changed since the last that I have written.
It's hard to believe that so very much has happened in such a short amount of time. I don't even know what day it is until I sign on to AOL. The night before, I had urinated so much in the middle of the night, that it went all the way through to my air thingies. You have to unzip every layer of the bed, and all of it is washable except down where the air chambers are. It was maybe 2:00 in the morning. It's been awhile since I've done that. I tried to get the stuff off the bed but I couldn't. I did yell for help to get down to where it ended then I could work from there cleaning it. Believe me, I'm not at all saying that I am ungrateful at all. I asked for more help just to get the layers unzipped, and that was a clear and definite no. He went ahead to work while I was doing my best to get this done.
At noon is when my home health aide comes, and I had an assessment with my case manager. I felt so bad that she was the one that had to clean up that mess. She did it and had all of my laundry done.I couldn't have thanked her enough.
My case manager was doing some phone calls yesterday for me. She was able to get my test strips for me free of charge....Yay! They cost so much. She also needs me to get my doctor to either call and speak with her, or fax her a script of medicine for my diabetes. Yes, another new diagnosis. Imagine that. lol  So...that's one of the things I plan on doing today. And to call and get the Miami County Human Services Directory. It has all of Miami County's phone numbers! That would be good to have.
I'm swollen again. This is odd to me but, the day before I start swelling up...the bottom of my hands are dry. I just find that a bit odd. I don't know if that is something that others have as well. But I do know I've been having problems with the C.O.P.D. emphysema! We have a refrigerator on our back mud room. And that's were all of the drinks go. I went back the to grab a water and as soon as I opened the door, it just hit me bad. As if I ran into a thick sauna. I hurried as fast as I could and back in again. And to let Madia out too. She'll play this game with me, her treats are out there too....she'll come to me to let me know, and it's like she really needs to go and fast. :o) I go to let her out, but it was her game! LOL She'll stop right at were they are and look at me then her treats! lol She keeps me laughing. :o)
I pretty sure I overused my inhaler yesterday. And that's without being out side. My chest was just killing me. I was also having a bad day with the fibromyalia. gggrrr It's just a big OUCHIE! And a bit of the MS as well. Geesh! I have some electrical shock feeling going through my body and it makes me jolt. Not having full control of my own body. It even makes me 'grunt' sometimes too. It's hard to explain.
Ok...on TV when you see someone in a hospital getting the defibrillators and the body jumps.Thats just like the electical shooting that I have.
Yesterday...I was walking and I had one of those hit me a good one! LOL I think it's funny how they happen. My body just did a vertical flip. :o) It was funny how my body reacted! LOL Geesh!
I really don't like being alone all day. It is scary. I've been dizzy again and thats a recipe for a good fall. My nurse popped in as wall yesterday. lol...she's so sweet! :o) I was sitting in my bed eating watermellon for my lunch. And here my sliding door opens up and she peeked in at me. :o) I told her to come on in, it was cooler in my room. :o) She just needed to see my home health aide for the last part of my assessment. I let her know that she had just left. I felt so bad for her. She came over to me and gave me a big hug. :o) I really like thisnurse. :o) Such a sweety. I did let her know when my home health aide comes, so she doesn't have to keep coming, and she's not here. Bless her heart. :o)
I also managed to cut my self 3 times and in such different areas. :o) I seen blood on my night gown and I started looking, yep, the one on my foot, one on top of the other foot and one on my thumb knuckle. LOL I just have to laugh...I'm usually doing something and I "get wounded" somehow! lol :o)
My mom is that way as well. lol The both of us are alot alike! :o) <waving at you> I really do hope that she can get that card at The Red Cross. I'll even go with her.
Being alone isn't a good feeling at all.
If you've made it this far....I applaud you! lol
Thank you for signing my guest book! Don't forget to after your done! :o) Just on my side bar.
Now I'm going to rest. <uuuggghhhh!> This vehical needs it! :o)
Have a great and fun day!


Here's something to ponder on:

Real isn't how you're made, its how you use it.


Tags: , , ,

Monday, June 23, 2008

~is anybody out there...just nod if you can hear me...

Good morning. You're going to have to bare with me today. Well we all know already that I can't spell. :o) So thats not it. I'm having a pretty bad day with my health.
I'm doing the swelling again, my chest feels like I have 150 pounds sitting on it.

I bought a thing that hooks up to a computer so you can talk and it does the work. I don't think I'll get it done today.
My daughter texted me last night to see if we could come over to visit. I thought it would be great for me to get out and get some fresh air. And be safe because dh came. Andrew was asleep and Kayden was running around being happy. And that was so nice to see. I have some pictures, but haven't put them on the computer yet.
We didn't stay very long. They hadn't eaten yet. And I drove my car. YAY! lol I made it to my car because dh helped me. I don't have any problems driving, it's walking that I have a hard time with. :o)

I didn't even use the air, it felt good with the windows down.
My son had a lot of trouble with his truck. So dh helped him try and fix it. He came in and told me what it was, but I had no idea what he was talking about. I just listened.
I'm going to have to go to my bedroom when I'm done. I really just don't feel good.

Madia, our dog...hasn't came up to me wanting to sleep with me in my bed. This whole past week and this morning she just jumped up and got in bed with me. :o) I love to snuggle with my animals. I wonder why shes doing this all of the sudden.
I really do need to go now, so I can get a few things done on here.

Unless we think of others and do something for them, we miss one of the greatest sources of happiness.

- Ray Lyman Wilbur


Saturday, June 21, 2008

~2+2= ?

Good morning. Its a beautiful day!

Yesterday was nothing but a disaster for me. I cried most of the day. Thankfully my son was here to help me. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't here. I had 3 accidents in my bed. He changed the sheets and quilts for me. I thanked him the rest of the day. He calmed me down when I got hysterical. What happen was he went to get me a bottle of water and I dropped it! He cleans that up. He got me a Sprit, and the samething happened again. And again! You should see the pile of laundry I have. I tried to explian that they were all accidents to someone, but was still all pissy with me!

While my son was cleaning my bed for me the 3rd time, I stoped crying and put my drink in my baby cup. When I droped it, I didn't make a mess.
It seems like I'm losing the grip in my hands. It just really scared me. (I forgot to put this in my other journal)

I had a major flash back yesterday evening. It wasn't a very good one either. I brought it up, but I don't want to talk about it right now. And...I don't even know why I brought it up.

I make dream catchers. My mom has them. Some how a strage tub got mixed up with mine. :o)
We're not going to be able to see our grandson's this weekend. :o( My daughters friend was having a birthday party.
I would also like to thank you for signing my new guest book. Somehow I lost my old one that had already had yours in it.
I need to go!

" The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross ~


Friday, June 20, 2008 an octopus's garden in the shade!

Good morning. Hoping all of you are doing/feeling the best that you can. It's beautiful out here. The sun is shining and the temp. is 70 degree's. :o)
Here's the lyrics to my subject: just click on this.
Also to answer a question that I keep forgetting about to let everyone know. Dh went with me to the doctors, and if anyone knows him, he doesn't do that at all unless it's very important. I'm glad he went. Like I said, my mind was not taking much in. Just little pieces and particles. And yes...I'm going to do everything in my power to fight it. :o) As soon as I get strong enough. I'm deffinitly not a quiter! :o) I think you know this by now. :o)
My younger sister came over yesterday. She going to go to college, and is taking I think Criminal Justice...don't quote me on that. She's so excited, and so am I! :o) She's like me in the way of being a fighter. I really give her so much credit for fighting for so long and for so much.
I still have those pesky hives. OMG! They are just driving me crazy. I've been taking Zertec, I used to take it before they put otc. I'm also taking Benadryl. I scratch unti I bleed! This is just crazy. I'm going to call my nurse and see if she can help me. She can usually just call my doctor and get a script.
Welp...this is all for today. :o)
(except for the lrycs)

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to beunder the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you


"The two greatest fear busters are knowledge and action!"

---Denis Waitley

Don't forget to sign my guest book! :o) Please.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

~My yeserday

My yesterday was long and painful. I'm back to being dizzy again. I don't understand it. My nurse comes in today and I'll let her know.
I've gained back those 7 pounds! gggrrr! My legs and feet are probably getting ready to swell. I'm starting to know when things are going to happen finally.
Glad this is Thursday. I thought on Monday or Tuesday my mom was going to come over. Maybe to tell me some news about Red Cross.

My son was sent home from work yesterday. They're running out of parts for him to work on. Dh got a call from his boss and I guess they aren't doing very good. His boss said that maybe he can sweep the floors or something so he doesn't have to go down to an 8 hour day. I told him that was nice of him to do.
With my son home, I do feel better when I'm not alone.
I did ask him if he remembered how I want to be done with my body when I die. LOL....He said, without blinking an eye, that I wanted cought on fire and then the rest of me is to be put in the urn! LOL <cought on fire!> So, he remembers! :o)
I know my daughter knows. She has a photogentic mind and doesn't forget it. She can read a licenes plate and remember it! Geesh! If I'm in a store and over the intercom they call out a plate number, lol I don't know if it's mine or not. I forget too quick. :o)

I called my manager yesterday. I wanted to let her know about the agancy that I go through for my nurse and home health aide. They won't let me have physical therapy anymore. Their claim is that it don't help me. And they came up with this without even touching me. No massage or anything and I just would like to know why that was taken from me because it does help me. What they told me when I've called umpteen times is that none of what I have is curable! So! And to call another angancy for it or go to the out patient. I haven't been able to go to my car. I'm not able right now, to walk that far. And I told them that. My case maneger got the samething when she called. I let her know that I'm turning them in to the Better Business Buruo. (sp) Only because they put people in my house that don't know what they're doing or something like my medication goes all wrong. I can't have that. I've finally got a nurse and home healt aide that are doing their job.

Today I'll be bussy. It's Thursday. Nurse, Aide and food delivery is today. 
I'm kind of hoping that my son is here today. I always need help putting the food away. I rotate. The juices and fruits get put in my refridgerator. Then the new will fit where the others were. And my son is good at doing that for me, which if he's not here will take me about 45 minutes to do. No kidding. And when my grandson is here, he loves to help mawmaw too. :o)
I want to thank you again, for signing my "new" guest book! Thank you! :o)
I need to get off of here and rest. God blesses all of you!

Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you."
– Dr. Wayne Dyer



Wednesday, June 18, 2008

~Please click and listen.

Above is what my heart looks like.

Just click on the blue above graphic and just sit back and relax. :o)


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

~Just sharing something with you.

This is a hard one  to tell. Just please bare with me.

Firstly, I'd like to thank you all for sign my guest book. :o) That really cheered me up! :o)

I guess I don't want to say the word. I'm still in a whirlwind and can't get my mind wrapped around it.
All last week, I was feeling very different. Nothing bad. I just felt this 'calming' and readiness just wrapped around me and through me. A great feeling. I know why i'm having those feelings. I'm dying. :o( I didn't want to know how long. I want to be able to be with my family.

So much has been put together for me today. Most of the, "I don't knows" have been answered. Now I know.
I've never been afraid of death. It never has bothered me. I am honestly ready.
I have so much going through my head right now. I'd kind of like to get my own Urn and the Memorial. That way it'll be cheaper for my family that way.

I'm hoping that they could at least give me something stronger now for my pains. Whats it going to hurt?
I've been crying alot today, and thats why I'm still up. Plus those hives are back.
To those that I told that I would post a certain entry this morning, sorry, I didn't have the time. But I will soon. :o) I haven't forgotten.
So, thats it, I'm dying and I don't know when. Except that I won't be here by the end of the year. I wonder if I can have the strength to prove the doctors wrong. I want to see my newest grandson at Christmas.
I hope that all of you have a great day!


"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Psalms 55:22

Monday, June 16, 2008


I do apologize for letting someone actually get to me as bad as I let it. It has effected me in a manner that can greatly control my life. I've worked for years and years to not do the things that I've over come. I'm still a recovering anorexic and a cutter. I will always be this way because the feelings never do go away. It's always in the back of your mind when something is either said or done something. It can happen, and then you're struggling all over again. This is what happened.
My choice to cut myself is my letter opener, or whatever I can find. My choice for dealing with anorexia, is as it always was. Not eating. And I have lost 7 pounds.

Do you think that the one that has done this too me cares? Nope! Probably just going on with their lives and saying to themselves, "Mission acomplished!" Sad. Plus, what is this fine line of just writing about your life and your illnesses being so negative? I really want to know. I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else does, but I chose to write about it.

Love this graphic! Thank you Sugar. :o) Too cool! :o)
All day yesterday, I was fighting a battle of hives! My hives have put me in the hospital! They do get that bad. I get hives when I get extremly upset/hurt. I still have some, so I have to deal with them. gggrrr!
My shaking is almost gone. Good news. I did also deleted that coment. I feel 100% better that I did that.
I'm still having problems with the urine staying in my bladder. I had a 14 fr, dh is going to the pharmacy to get the 16 fr. I had some problems with the others, I'm still so swollen, it's very hard to do it bymyself. We'll see with the next ones.
If these are better to where I can do them by myself, then I'll just keep the other ones for either dh or my nurse to do.

Yes, my left side of my chest is still doing its thing. It hurts. I just have to get used to it like I've did with all the other pains I have.
I'm going now. Don't forget to sign my new guestbook. :o) I lost my other one.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

~The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

~Life at my old house/and the "others"

The pictures I have posted are from our old house. The house I really miss. It was hudge.
Well...we found out that this house was haunted only a week while we were there painting and cleaning. They were not shy. All kinds of things would happen.
I'll finish more about it later. We lived there for 12 years. I told the "others" that since we would be living together in the house, then they need to except it. They did to a point.


~I got the hint.

I've deleted the other entries. I got this hint. I never would have thought that talking about my life would be negative to others. Sorry. I hope you all have a good life! Bye~

~Guest book/all about me

I forgot to let you know, I have a new guest book. Somehow almost all of the things I had on my sidebar disapeared. So, I've been trying to get it back. So, a new All about me and guestbook. If you would, could you sign it? thank you.



What is anorexia nervosa?

Anorexia nervosa (say "an-uh-RECK-see-uh nur-VOH-suh") is a type of eating disorder. People who have anorexia have an intense fear of gaining weight. They severely limit the amount of food they eat and can become dangerously thin.

Anorexia affects both the body and the mind. It may start as dieting, but it gets out of control. You think about food, dieting, and weight all the time. You have a distorted body image. Other people say you are too thin, but when you look in the mirror, you see a fat person.

Anorexia usually starts in the teen years. Early treatment can be very effective. But, if not treated early, anorexia can become a lifelong problem. Untreated anorexia can lead to starvation and serious health problems, such as bone thinning (osteoporosis), kidney damage, and heart problems. Some people die from these problems.

If you or someone you know has anorexia, get help right away. The longer this problem goes on, the harder it is to overcome. With treatment, a person with anorexia can feel better and stay at a healthy weight.

What causes anorexia?

Eating disorders are complex, and experts don't really know what causes them. But they may be due to a mix of family history, social factors, and personality traits. You may be more likely to have anorexia if:

Other people in your family are obese, have an eating disorder, or have a mood disorder such as depression or anxiety.

You have a job or do a sport that stresses body size, such as ballet, modeling, or gymnastics.

You are the type of person who tries to be perfect all the time, never feels good enough, or worries a lot.

You are dealing with stressful life events, such as divorce, moving to a new town or school, or losing a loved one.

Anorexia affects less than 1 percent of the population. It is most common in:

Teens. Like other eating disorders, anorexia usually starts in the teen years with strict dieting and rapid weight loss. But it can start even earlier or in adulthood.

Women. About 9 out of 10 people with anorexia are female. But some boys and men have it too.1

Many people who have anorexia are white and come from wealthy families. But it can happen to anyone.

What are the symptoms?

People who have anorexia often strongly deny that they have a problem. They do not see or believe that they do. It is usually up to their loved ones to get help for them. If you are worried about someone, you can look for certain signs.

People who have anorexia:

Weigh much less than is healthy or normal.

Are very afraid of gaining weight.

Refuse to stay at a normal weight.

Think they are overweight even when they are very thin.

Their lives become focused on controlling their weight. They may:

Obsess about food, weight, and dieting.

Strictly limit their food intake. For example, they may limit themselves to just a few hundred calories a day or refuse to eat certain foods, such as anything with fat or sugar.

Exercise a lot, even when they are sick.

Vomit or use laxatives or water pills (diuretics) to avoid weight gain.

Develop odd habits about food, like cutting all their food into tiny pieces or chewing every bite a certain number of times.

Become secretive. They may pull away from family and friends, make excuses not to eat around other people, and lie about their eating habits.

As starvation sets in, they start to develop signs of serious problems throughout the body. For instance, they may:

Feel weak, tired, or faint.

Have thinning hair, dry skin, and brittle nails.

Stop having menstrual periods.

Feel cold all the time.

Have low blood pressure and a slow heartbeat.

Have purplish skin color on their arms and legs from poor blood flow.

Have swollen feet and hands.

Grow a layer of baby-fine hair all over their body.

How is anorexia diagnosed?

If your doctor thinks that you may have an eating disorder, he or she will compare your weight with the expected weight for someone of your height and age. He or she will also check your heart, lungs, blood pressure, skin, and hair to look for problems caused by not eating enough. You may also have blood tests or X-rays.

Your doctor may ask questions about how you feel. It is common for a treatable mental health problem such as depression or anxiety to play a part in an eating disorder.

How is it treated?

All people who have anorexia need treatment. Even if you or someone you care about has only a couple of the signs of an eating disorder, get help now. Early treatment gives the best chanceof overcoming anorexia.

Treatment can help you get back to and stay at a healthy weight, learn good eating habits, and learn to feel better about yourself. Because anorexia is both a physical and emotional problem, you may work with a doctor, a dietitian, and a counselor.

There are no medicines to treat anorexia. But if you are depressed or anxious, your doctor may prescribe an antidepressant medicine.

If your weight has dropped too low, you will need to be treated in a hospital. People who have lost a large portion of their weight need to take part in a live-in (inpatient) treatment program for people with eating disorders. This type of treatment can be costly, but it gives the best chance of recovery.

Anorexia can take a long time to overcome, and it is common to fall back into unhealthy habits. If you are having problems, don't try to handle them on your own. Get help now.

What should you do if you think someone has anorexia?

It can be very scary to realize that someone you care about has an eating disorder. If you think a friend or loved one has anorexia, you can help.

Talk to her. Tell her why you are worried. Let her know that you care.

Urge her to talk to someone who can help, like a doctor or counselor. Offer to go with her.

Tell someone who can make a difference—like a parent, teacher, counselor, or doctor. A person with anorexia may insist that she does not need help, but she does. The sooner she gets treatment, the sooner she will be healthy again.


~The last of them.

~I guess I was a bit long winded.


~A video entry, my videos are only a minute long. I have about 8 of them.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Friday, June 13, 2008


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain
Why the early bird gets the worm
Life isn't always fair
Maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies:
Don't spend more than you can earn

And reliable strategies:
Adults, not children, are in charge

His health began to deteriorate when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly

It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a
student but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and
wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when it became punishable for you to defend
yourself from a burglar in your own home but the burglar could sue you for

He began to lose ground rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing

regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his Daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To
blame, and I'm A Victim.


Thursday, June 12, 2008


I've forgotten to write about something that the doctor had told me.
I'm not sure how many of you know I'm anorexic. It started when I was 15, and I'm 44 now.
The damage stays around and lurks in you thinking pattern. It is hard to stop that way of thinking. I abused diorretics. I never purged. Just if I wanted to lose a quick few pounds, I just knew how to do it without anyone knowing it.
Yes, I am awhere that I  am a woman with weight. What caused this is the medication. Which depressed me because I've never had a weight issue. My doctor,(whom I've only see twice now), Straight out told me that the reason I am having all of these illnesses happen is because I'm obese!!! Dh was there and he told her that eating wasn't the case and tried to explain things to her for me.'s all because I'm obese! Nice doctor huh?! In my opinion, I feel in "NO" way should a doctor (or anyone) tell "YOU" that anything wrong with you is because of a weight issue, or anything!
I couldn't sleep at all that night because I was fighting those feelings again. And the next day I was going to get some laxitives. Those were my choice.
The one thing that I wish I could do is to report her about this. You do not say that to anyone. I'm doing my best to fight it again. This is very hard on me. Everytime I eat, my stomach feels sick. <blah> I don't want this anymore.
Since when is it ok to be a 'professional' and act like you don't have any sense?
So, I'm fighting another evil pest. I hope I win.




~A beautiful person, and am very glad to know! :o)

Well...I got up a bit late for me. I must have really needed the extra sleep.
Sorry about yesterday...I just wasn't up to typing at all. I was in bed a lot yesterday. Just taking care of myself.
The 'normal' things of course have been bothering me. Again, nothing that I suffer from hurts as bad as my chest does. Whew...who would have thought. So far, it hasn't stoped hurting all the way yet. My right side stoped but not my left. This pain can stop me right in my tracks! It's a supper big ginormous hurt. It even really hurts to laugh.
I can actually feel my lung and how my heart is beating. My heart doesn't beat like 'normal.' This morning when I woke up, and felt the pain of course, the best that I can describe it is, it feels like both my lung and my heart need to be in a "sling" of some kind. I have way too much time on my hands if I can describe all of this. lol :o)

Just kidding. I love that song. I know I'm going to sound like I'm stuck in the 70's, but hey, Yes, I do want this song played at my funeral, or dusting of my ashes.
Tuesday was such a great day! :o) My mom came over and spent the day with me. :o) She is such a beautiful person, and I'm so glad that I know her. I love spending time with her. We both had things to talk about with each other and it felt great to be able to talk to her. She deffinitly understands me. And I understand her as well. She really wanted to take me to the ER, but we both know what would happen....nothing! And I don't feel ready yet.

Isn't this one the truth?!
Well, my mom and I had a great day. We sat on my bed, wacthing court shows. Thats all thats on during the day for me, I don't like watching those horrid soap opras.
I had made this macironi stuff that my grandma used to make when you weren't feeling good. It made you feel better; Don't know if its a combination as something in it, or just in our heads! :o) Either way, it works and tasts sooooo good. Thats what we had for our lunch.
Dinner time came around and I had the money to buy something. I really love Sonic, so thats where we went. We brought it home because I couldn't take the humid and the heat. I forgot to take my oxigen. When we got home, I did eat at the table. I haven't been because of the chairs and the temp.
Then I got another surprise! A friend of mine came over! YAY! :o) She was only able to stay an hour, but that was fine. :o) She still came. :o) My mom was trying to remember her from when we were young. I tell everyone that she's the one that seen me on my bycycle and got run over by a car, and helped me to get out of the street! We were probably 11 or 12 when this happened. :o) She doesn't remember it, but I'll never forget it. :o) How can you forget an angel that helped you and to this day, has always accepted me for who or what I am. :o)
It was getting late and the time really went so fast. My mom and my friend had to leave. I had so much fun and felt so sucure with my mom. As soon as a class at The Red Cross comes around to be open for her to take, and then we both have to take a skill thingie....then she'll be my Care Giver! YAY! :o) I can't wait!
I'm going to go now. Yesterday isn't worth writing I stayed in bed all day because my chest was killing me.
I do hope that everyone has a wonderful day! Make sure you laugh!


~White Zinfandel

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

~A video entry

~Women's T-shirt Slogans

Next mood swing: 6 minutes

I hate everybody, you're next.

And your point is.............?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?

You have the right to remain silent so please use it!

If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.

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Monday, June 9, 2008

~Just a few things

I got a big surprise yesterday afternoon. My daughter and the babies! :o) If only she knew how much it helps me to see them all. A medicine I can't describe! :o)
I also had no idea that Andrew smiles and giggles now. It's adorable. :o)
Time seemed to go too fast. I was hoping that we could all go someplace for dinner. Well, instead, I had Taco Bell. It was good, because I love that place but, maybe next time.
I triped last night while I was hold Andrew...Nena was right there, and I use my elbow to protect him. That really upset me. I felt so bad. I was just going to give him to Nena. I'm not going to carry him anymore, I'm too afraid to. I take that as a sign.
Then, I fell up against my bedroom door that leads to in this room. Nena was in here, so she helped me to get up. I have a hudge scratch from my elbow to my wrist. It hurt pretty good. It still hurts.
My chest is still hurting as well. It's my left side. The right side went away, so that means that my left side has to stay and be a problam for me. My pain in my chest went nuts last night when Nena was here. I really don't want the kids to see this. It upset her. :o( After I was able to breath out and I was able to catch a few breathes, I kept getting them each time I could. It feels kind of like all of your air/breath is all gone.
I need to go now. Have a great day! :o)




~Kayden videos

Sunday, June 8, 2008

~A picture/and me

So far, I think I have everything pretty stable right now. Funny, it's just like putting a baby back to sleep. And then tip toe as to not disturb.
This morning, I woke up because I was having bad pains in my chest. They made me scream. I couldn't breath or actually move. It was very gripping. Dh came running in. He was even frantic. He was asking me questions, and I couldn't respond to him.
I could only sit up and look forward. I wasn't going to move. I could finally tell dh how I was feeling and what I was going through. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hopital. No way. I said no. I think he wanted me to go, even when he knows how bad that place is.
I sat there for a few minutes. Dh was there on my bed just incase I needed anything. I was able to get up, but still couldn't move towards any sides.
I did get my tethiscope (sp) and listened to my lungs and heart myself. I heard the girgle. I was a bit thrown because I've never heard that before. My heart beat was way off. It was just beating in any way it wanted to. It wasn't anything like a heart is suppose to sound.
After dh helped me up, the pain is kind of hard to explain. The only thing that I can think of is a bad case of plurecy (SP). So, it's obviously getting worse. Bummer.
I'm going to go now and get in my room. It's very hot here. I can't take it. My air is on in there. :o)

~New Book

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
"I just can't put it down."

I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....

I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...

I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..

I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I
couldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.

I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden
but it was full of crap.

I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until
tomorrow....or maybe the day after.

I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

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Saturday, June 7, 2008


I just feel the need to write again. I just hope that I'm not boring and that you might be sick of me.
Oh well...right?
Please just bare with me as I go through this. It seems to help by just writing. It's like talking things out. So to speak.

I still want to write a book about my trials. I think just publishing this journal would be a start. I never want to offend anyone with what I do write. It's only my life and what I go through in my life. All of our lives are very different.
I am hoping that by the sound of my voice and all of my crying and screams, will still help someone. Because I do know I'm not alone in this.
Like on Father's Day, my biological father isn't in my life, and my step father thought he could get his rocks off by abusing me, everything you can think of, he did. I've forgiven him, and after our talk, he gave me a hug and thats the last I've seen of him. Unless I just so happen I run into him. On Father's Day, my Father that I reconize is are Father in Heaven. I know He has me in his arms. But there are times that I do feel alone. Just left in a corner.

I have been in my bed resting and just felt the need to write. No, this is not a pity party. It's just my life.
I miss my best friend very much. I know what we both went through a few months back, and theres a commen denominator behind all of that.

I feel like I'm watching things go by while I'm going the opposite way. My life has made a hudge U-Turn. All I thought for awhile was that I had fibromyalgia and then my neurologists testing me for MS still. To think back, and I complained!?! I feel bad about that. And then BOOM!!! Things are going haywire! The life I used to live has really gone out for lunch. It's not going to come back. What do you do when you're not able to hold something in your own hand and you drop it everytime? Feeling as if you had the flu or even the cold and you may "feel" it, but thats "not" what it is. Now isn't that confusing.
I can't look up, down or side to side without saying what hurts. My "body" has let medown big time. I need a new "body" for my soul to continue to live, breath and laugh.
I watched my aunt die with breast cancer. The cancer spread and it was eating her lungs away. I watched this and was there for her. It's ecthed in my mind forever. My grandother had congestive heart failure as well, among other things. I watched her as well. Now, what do you think is going through my mind?

I am doing my best to stop it. Keep walking around the house, watching tv, reading and I need to keep my mind busy or I'm litterally lose my mind!!! No kidding! I'm started to lose it now.
I'm praying. I'm asking. I'm begging. And once again, I'm waiting. If this is what I have to do, then I'll do some of it. I can't waist the energy I have right now on one thing. I have to know when and where even more so then I did before.  <hudge sigh>  I'm still me.
I'm starting to feel a bit better right now. Thanks for listening my friends.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

- Dick Gregory


Friday, June 6, 2008

~Is it really worth it

My day has been up and down. I'm doing my best to be more up than down.
Did you know that crying your heart out (no pun intended), doesn't do anything to make you feel better. In fact, It's made me have alot more pains now. That 'shocking' thing that happens that I still think it has something to do with the MS. And of corse, the fibro.
I've been in my bed to get my legs and feet to go down. They still are the same. I don't get it.
Well, My nerves are totaly shot. I don't have anyone to talk to about this ( the lquid in my left lung), so theres nothing I can do about that. I've cryed all day today. I just added this to my illnesses page. You can click on the proper graphic and it'll take you there.
I feel like I'm in some freaked out dream and I want to wake up. It's not fair that your soul is much younger than the flesh (body). But I guess thats just something we all have to go through in our lives.
When I lay down in my bed, I'm gasping for air, even with the oxygen. So I have alot of pillows and I just put them in a confortable position. That helps a bit.
I don't know what to do. I'm really trying to hang in there. I'm slipping. This information has me going into a spiral. A real melt down! Add all of this to my already melt down! I never knew one could have so many tears to cry. And then of course my 'real' life, Don't want to go there right now. And here I thought I could count on _____! I guess not. I should just try and go to be. Hopfully I can sleep.
And please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.




Thursday, June 5, 2008

~Something mew about my health, prayers needed.

Yesterday, I went to see my doctor. She didn't check my lungs and my heart.
I got the cath's and tried to do it myself. With me being so swollen, it was very hard for me to do. My in home nurse was doing her best to teach me. Since I wasn't able to do it, she went ahead and done it for me. She gave me a 'hat' to put on my toilet. That way I'll be able to messure it.
I am not kidding when I say that my body is so much more swollen then yesterday. It's still the same even when I put my feet up. When I got up this morning, my feet were the same as they were when I went to sleep. < a hudge sigh>
I'm not able to have a pt from the agancy that I'm going through. They said if and when I'm able to find another agancy I will lose my nurse and my home health care. Right now and it was getting so much more worse. The fibro has really got ahold of me pretty good right now. Alot of pains. Dh is doing his best at taking care of me. Like in the evenings he does his best to rub out some of the cramping.
I've held this in as long as I could. My left lung has water starting in it and my heart isn't beating the way it should. So my left lung is having a hard time as well as my heart. I thought I could feel it, but wasn't for sure. My chest is killing me with alot of pains. And theres nouthing I can do about this. I'm very scard right now. I think I'm going to ask the doctor for some pan pills so I can't feel this pain. I just want to be comfortable thats all.
My laptop isn't working anymore. So I'm going to need a new one for when I'm in my bed, which it's going to be alot. Plus I can keep in touch with all of you as well.


~A few pictures I've found.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


HELPS the person step back from their illness.

GAINS perspective and a breath of fresh air.

SHOWS them that there is more to life than just physical disabilities.

OPENS minds to realities that are fun, joyous and light.

MAKES them smile.

ACHIEVES states that are tranquil, flowing and worry-free.

VALIDATES the fact that although someone may be seriously ill or in the process of dying, at the moment, they are alive!

INVOLVES everyone in conversation.

INSULATES against loneliness and fear.

IS A SIGN of approval, caring, compassion and connection.

LOVES them with lightness and joy.



Me 3&4

I don't really feel like typing right now. So I did a video entry. Once again it turned out to be 4 mayby a minute videos. Very short.


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

~Pictures of the swelling

Just a few pictures of the swelling. I have an appointment for tommorrow at 10:00 to see my doctor. I can't wait. :o)



Monday, June 2, 2008


It is generally agreed within the medical community that such things as raised blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, a rise in blood sugar level and a lower digestive rate can all result from stress. There is also general agreement that, if stress lasts for any period of time, it can lead to irritability and individuals will generally become more impatient and more quick-tempered. It is also likely that an individual will experience increasing difficulty in coping with the present and develop a fear of the future, as well as finding it harder to concentrate and more difficult to make decisions.

There is a clear connection between these physical and psychological effects. The hypothalamus and the pituitary gland, both located within the brain, released a substance known as ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone) which stimulates the adrenal gland to release cortisol. Cortisol is naturally present within the body and its levels rise and fall during the course of a normal day, however, it is an excess of cortisol which is largely responsible for the "flight or fight" response which is commonly seen in cases of stress.

This can also lead to many of the common physical symptoms of stress including tension in the muscles of the neck, as well as stomach and bowel problems. There is also evidence to suggest that persistent stress can lead to a weakening of the immune system and can contribute to such things as frequent colds.

High levels of stress can also result in cognitive problems with a shortened attention span and less efficient memory recall. It becomes more difficult to concentrate on the daily challenges of life in a rational way and emotions can start to run high, leading to moodiness and unreasonable anger.

In more extreme cases stress can result in depression, apathy, crying for no particular reason, an increased fear of failure and the general feeling of doom and despondency.

Stress will also often set up a vicious cycle between "I must" and "I can't". The loss of confidence in one's own ability to deal with life's challenges becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and, on the one hand, you know that you must do something but, on the other hand, you feel that you simply cannot.

The secret to combating these effects of stress lies in being able to focus your attention on the factors that lead to stress, to evaluate them realistically and to keep a sense of perspective about their consequences. If you can do this then you will clearly reduce the occasions on which a minor problem might lead to major stress.


Sunday, June 1, 2008

~Need to log

When I got off line this morning, I took a nap. I got up at 3:15! Wow! I kow my body needs it. And now, here I am awake.
Dh went and baught some more curtain rods. I got new curtains and I thin they're cute. I know they'll brighten up this room alot.
We also changed my sheets. Thats a hudge chore for me. Thankful he was here. I have one of those feathure pillow for my bed. My son went upstares to get it for me. I keep it with a 'pillowcase' thats made for them. It really needed washed, so my son did it for me. I really appreciate everything both dh and my son did for me today. Dh was a bit talkitive (SP) today and I really enjoyed it. :o) Last night and yesterday, I was crying because of the pains. I have Biofreeze and some Lidoderm (SP) patches, and I'm allowed to have 3 on at a time. I don't know what happened, because I was fine most of the day. My daughter came over with my grandbabies. They really cheer me up. And of course my daughter as well. :o) I was sitting in my chair and something started to feel like took a hugde knife and stabed me right in my right side and write through my ribs! I excused my self and got in bed and the pain was getting worse.
I'm so thankful that I had the biofreeze and Lidoderm. One of my doctors wanted me to not use those patches because it would mess with a pill I was taking. Glad I didn't throw them away.
When I was in my room crying and felt like hitting something. But when Kayden would come tears stoped for him. :o) He asked me if I was alright. How sweet is that. :o)
When they left, dh was rubbing my upper right side and back towards my spine. That pain was so's very hard to describe it. He put the pacthes on where we both thought. I could feel the edge coming off. It helped abit for my sleep. My pains have been keeping me up lately.
Dh put my sheets on my bed and over the fitted sheet is were I like it, then put the flat sheet. I did my pillows. :o) It felt good. He did the samething for me with the patches and the cream. He said that he was going to try and get me out of the house this weekend. I couldn't. So, instead of going some place, He had me right down what I wanted. There was a carniville at one of the cathlic churh always has. We have always went to it because we know alot of the people there. But I couldn't just use my cane.
Dh had planned to take me places this weekend. I cried again. this time happy tears. :o)
He has really helped me this weekend. And it really helped alot.
My whole body is still swollen, and I had printed out information a good friend sented to me. He read it and. From the both of use, Thank you Jakie and Pam!
All day, I've been feeling kind of odd. Never felt this way before like this. I feel like I have a bunch of people around me and when I walk. It's putting weight on on my shoulders. I'm still having those electrical things. They're getting worse! I was walking to the kitchen and in the hallway, I felt it happen, but it was so strong, it pushed me....I grabed on to my walker.
It really seemed like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone. no
I know I'm all over the's soooo hard to write then forget what you were going to wright. Oh well. :o)



A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went she took them home and ate them herself. Men never



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