I've been doing a lot of thinking after I wrote my last entry yesterday. I apoligized publically and personaly. I feel thats all I can do. I haven't gotten a responce from either. Thats ok. At least an effort was put forth. I was also thinking about how I have changed...so much to where they can't even put their finger on it. I've been trying to put some pieces of that one, together. I was also told that when they visited that things were different from what I wrote in my journal. Well....things do and can change throughout the day. Thats apart of life. It happens. And also if they called me up on the phone to see if I'd like to go here or there, and I turned them down and said I'd like to get a raincheck for that. And then they've read in my journal that later on that day I had went someplace with my daughter or someone else. Again, my body changes too. Thats something thats way out of my control. So, in my opinion, the only things that have changed about me are that I've been listening to my body more and that "I" have to make the decision on how it would effect my body. What is wrong with that? And that I make myself 'look' different to you guys! Ask my mom, my daughter....they have commented in my journal. Have I?
Dh also knows now what I write about him.
Around the time I was told that I've changed is also around the same time that everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was struggling with that and no one to talk to. Except to write in this journal. I had no one. Especially because if you look at me, you wouldn't even know I was in the amount of pain I was truly in. Then thats when it all got me down...depressed feeling. In my eyes, that kind of seems a bit normal to me. A rush of just everything flooded my mind! After awhile, I seen that I was getting more depressed. I knew I had to do something before it got out of hand. Again, "I" had to make all of the descions to help me. No one else could have or even can. I've learned through all of this that "I" have to be the one to make my own desicions when it comes down to my health. It's "I" that knows how I feel and what I am capible of every minute of everyday. If you say that I have changed, and can't find it in you to except the fact that it may look like a "bad thing" to you,but it's for my own well being! And nothing more! In my life, I have to take in consideration on everything, not like it "used" to be. Like when I could walk without my cane....it's all so very different now. And it's all out of my control! The only thing that "I" can control is if I chose to do something or go somewhere....I have to make that desicion.
Through all of my thoughts on this whole thing about "me changing," has come up with what I think is 'the why' they came up with it. And I have a couple that I've come up with. In my opinion, not being happy in their own marrage and life, and maybe they are the ones that changed and can't put a finger on it. I do know I have, and you have to with these illnesses. That is my opinion on the matter.
My nurse and food delivery will be coming soon. I need to stop for now. Thank all of you for standing by me. :o)