Thursday, January 3, 2008

Have to think out loud.....


I've been doing a lot of thinking after I wrote my last entry yesterday. I apoligized publically and personaly. I feel thats all I can do. I haven't gotten a responce from either. Thats ok. At least an effort was put forth. I was also thinking about how I have changed...so much to where they can't even put their finger on it. I've been trying to put some pieces of that one, together. I was also told that when they visited that things were different from what I wrote in my journal. Well....things do and can change throughout the day. Thats apart of life. It happens. And also if they called me up on the phone to see if I'd like to go here or there, and I turned them down and said I'd like to get a raincheck for that. And then they've read in my journal that later on that day I had went someplace with my daughter or someone else. Again, my body changes too. Thats something thats way out of my control. So, in my opinion, the only things that have changed about me are that I've been listening to my body more and that "I" have to make the decision on how it would effect my body. What is wrong with that? And that I make myself 'look' different to you guys! Ask my mom, my daughter....they have commented in my journal. Have I?

Dh also knows now what I write about him.
Around the time I was told that I've changed is also around the same time that everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was struggling with that and no one to talk to. Except to write in this journal. I had no one. Especially because if you look at me, you wouldn't even know I was in the amount of pain I was truly in. Then thats when it all got me down...depressed feeling. In my eyes, that kind of seems a bit normal to me. A rush of just everything flooded my mind! After awhile, I seen that I was getting more depressed. I knew I had to do something before it got out of hand. Again, "I" had to make all of the descions to help me. No one else could have or even can. I've learned through all of this that "I" have to be the one to make my own desicions when it comes down to my health. It's "I" that knows how I feel and what I am capible of every minute of everyday. If you say that I have changed, and can't find it in you to except the fact that it may look like a "bad thing" to you,but it's for my own well being! And nothing more! In my life, I have to take in consideration on everything, not like it "used" to be. Like when I could walk without my cane....it's all so very different now. And it's all out of my control! The only thing that "I" can control is if I chose to do something or go somewhere....I have to make that desicion.
Through all of my thoughts on this whole thing about "me changing," has come up with what I think is 'the why' they came up with it. And I have a couple that I've come up with. In my opinion, not being happy in their own marrage and life, and maybe they are the ones that changed and can't put a finger on it. I do know I have, and you have to with these illnesses. That is my opinion on the matter.
My nurse and food delivery will be coming soon. I need to stop for now. Thank all of you for standing by me. :o)


 



13 comments:

astoriasand said...

Lisa you shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone.You do what you wish when and how you feel like it.Look after YOU never mind how many times a day you change.If some part of the day you cannot do well DON'T if in half an hour you can then DO .Whatever comes your way grab that moment.Don't give ewhat others think a second thoguht.I would with your health .I am sure of it.Prayers continueing.Take Care God Bless Kath astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

kamdghwmw said...

Just do what your body allows you to do. That is all you can do. I just know that this year will bring a lot of good changes for you and that you will make a lot of awesome friends.
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom

wwfbison said...

Stopping in to wish you a happy new year, I hope 2008 proves to be a better year for you than 2007.
Lisa

specialadyfink said...

'Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain'--Get It??
**HUGGIES**
~c~

lisa41076 said...

Lisa, just keep being the awesome person you are, Hugs Lisa

ajquinn354 said...

Lisa only you know how you feel from inute to minute and what you can and can't do based on your health. Just enjoy each day to the fullest that you can, you don't owe anyone an apology dear. Take care. Arlene (AJ)

pharmolo said...

Particularly at times like this you learn who your real friends are, Lisa.

my78novata said...

its all you can do

barbpinion said...

I am proud of you for being such a good self-manager. It isn't easy because friends and family members often misuderstand. I know, hon. I've been through it too. You just keep on doing what you're doing. If it works, why change it?
Big hugs...and love too.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

barbpinion said...

I am proud of you for being such a good self-manager. It isn't easy because friends and family members often misuderstand. I know, hon. I've been through it too. You just keep on doing what you're doing. If it works, why change it?
Big hugs...and love too.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

sweetestsin52605 said...

Its sad when you learn who really knows you in your life and who your real friends are. Yes when I come over, you *most of the time* aren't feeling well at all. It is very rare of us to go out, and when we do, you have to pay for it the next day. So what if we go out, I am your daughter. Love you mom!

dca721 said...

Hey Lisa,
In my opinion, you had nothing to apologize for.
For 2008 I have made a resolution for myself.
The people that aren't even my friends, I will do without.
They may not even notice, as their heads are so far up their own asses (2 family memebers)
to care or even NOTICE I haven't "called them"  If they even notice at all...lol
Not my loving parents or child.
Or anyone sweet like you dear.
Kick the "useless friends" to the curb
Friends that are real don't keep up "guessing" about anything.
Love you Lisa,
Hugs,
Donna

misswings60 said...

honey,don't worry about what other people think. we all know that you are in pain 24-7. and we know when you can't do something well you can,t but maybe later in the day you can. so what,we all understand,and that;s all that matters, nobody knows your body better than you do. we all love you just the way you are,so don't change a thing about yourself. i know i have asked you how you are felling,and you have told me that you were fine and i would say to you liar...i know you are in pain. but i love you uncondtionaly. and your family does too. love,love mom