Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Humor

What is it Called?


Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping
in the same room and one is on top of the other?"


She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."


Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other
kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants
to talk to you right now."



Deep Thoughts


Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


Lumberyard


Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."


A Doctors Lecture


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."


 


No Sleep


An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the
doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my
neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't
get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some
new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these
and your trouble will be over."


"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give
it a shot."


A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than
ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than
before!"


"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor,
shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the
market!"


"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm
still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally
catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"


 



The Pregnant Woman


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed
herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the
Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She
moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber
could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"


 


 



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6 comments:

ppavis said...

Thanks for the chuckle this morning!  Phyllis

sugarsweet056 said...

LOL!
Huggies,
Sug

pharmolo said...

Excellent, Lisa lol

labdancer51 said...

h

pamal3 said...

Loved them Lol. Love Pam xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pamal3/almost-40/

kamdghwmw said...

I am so glad to see you back! Please let us all know how you are doing. Hugs to you

Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom