Wednesday, January 2, 2008

~me~


I thought I'd write a bit today. We got hit with some snow last night and it's still snowing. uugghh! :o)My son got up and went out side and shoveled all the walk ways. I really appreciated that, and I told him so. :o)


I really want to do my best in explaining something. Please, just bare with me.
You know mostly about what I do have in an illness kind of way. I think you do anyways. If not, just ask me. In March of 2007, was one of the most hardest days that I have encountered. From what my neurologist told me and the new medicines, I was thinking to myself; All I want is to just "know" what was going on. Well...I guess I was wrong in thinking that way. Yes, I was relieved to know. And I honestly did think I would be fine. As in being able to cope with the loses of my abilities. Knowing that I'm going to loses my arms and legs soon. Like I've said before, I am at least 2 months ahead of what my neurologist told me! YAY! I'm a fighter still and I'm not at all trying to prove anything to anyone. All I'm doing is trying to help my body. And thats where it gets kind of difficult. My brain and my body are not at all on the same page at all! So, with that, I go from there and do my best with what I've got. For me, it's just the best that I can do.


I know that all of you are tired of hearing me do nothing but talk about the fibro and ms pains and the rest that goes along with them. But, I also feel the need to either log it, and/or get 'my' information out there for others to read to see if I can at least help someone in doing so. Which I hope I'm doing so. As you all know....I'm the type, "What you see is what you get," kind of person. And I can be very, and yes, sometimes too bold when I write, I never mean it to ever hurt or "step on your toes," in doing so. It all comes down to an understanding. I understand you and you try and understand me. No, it's not that easy.
I have noticed that I have been a bit depressed. I've wrote about this before. This is why I think happened; I truly thought that back in March of 2007, I would feel and just be fine since I now know. Well, no. This is something you can't predict. Yes, a few months, I was fine about it, then it "ALL" seemed to hit me all atonce! BOOM! Then a crash! One day when I woke up, thats the way it happened to me....just that quick, before I could actually realize what hit me! And it took me awhile to figure out what was going on with me.
When I understood what was going on with me is when I told dh and my family. I needed them to know as well. It's not at all that I'm not happy....it's more like running into a brick wall going at full speed! Literally!
I was still hanging in there. Because I could. Again, by holding it in and not letting anyone know how I was feeling. Like I still do with my pains. I still find it hard to tell someone about it. I'd rather sit by myself and deal with it on my own. All I have to do is smile and everyone thinks I'm doing fine. I've been in this like "gray" area. I feel that there's black, white and a gray section to all of this. The gray to me is like just being. Nothing but existing. And add on the pains and fatigue.
I still feel as if I'm still in the little gray area. And it seems that I won't know what area I'll be in until I wake up that way....if that makes sence. I've been told that I've changed. Changed months back. And they can't seem to put their finger on it. Yes, I know I have changed, and I know that I do stand up for myself so much more then before, and this! This, what I've been going through and having to live this! I have no choice. It just happened. But, yes I do realize that it's up to me to make a starting point somewhere to start to heal myself. But to be told that you've changed and they can't put their finger on it, well that kind of sucks! Ok, they've seen a change, so how come they can't put their finger on it? It confuses me. This situation is like being pregnant! You either are, or you're not! Am I wrong? Black or white, and thats it. And if I upset, hurt, or do/say something....I'm usually the first to let you know that, yes, I did do that and I'm sorry. I know they're just words but at least it's a start in a healing process to move forarwd. You've all seen that here in my journal.
I don't ever like to hurt/upset anyone. Because it hurts me as well. And talking things out do help.
I noticed when I had a bigger change seemed to be sometime in November. I had such a hard time controling my emotions. I cried so much. I thought that I didn't have a friend in the world. Thats just the way it felt. There were way too much going on in my head. There still is, but I 'think' I have it a bit more under control.Through all I have written, about my life with the fibro and ms, you guys should really know me by now. :o) And by the way...I never said that I was perfect either. :o)
Right now, I have to sift through everything that goes around in my head. If I think it doesn't need to be there, I just chuck it! And breathe in positive and breathe out the negative. I wasn't prepared at all for any of this. No one is. And everyone reacts differently. When you think you have the situation by the balls and you keep telling yourself that you're fine, Thats when it hit me. Because I wasn't guarded. I am now. And I can see and feel a big difference now. Life is most deffintily a struggle! :o) And a few wiggles here and there as well. :o) Keep your faith and hold on to it as tight as you can, because it's a bumpy ride! No kidding! :o) Please remember to understand the person that has just been given a life changing illness diagnosis. Because guess what? Hell yes they're going to change! You just have to, thats all.
Thank you all for supporting me. I mean that!


Good, better, best; never let it rest till your good is better and your better is best.
Anonymous


 



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18 comments:

lanurseprn said...

I know people change. I've watched my best friend fight Cancer for years, and it definitely has changed him.
There is a new drug for MS that requires only a once a month IV infusion. It starts with a "T"....I can't recall the name, but maybe you should ask your Doc about it.
Good luck Lisa...and I'll keep you in my prayers.
Pam

chat2missie said...

h

geocachelinda66 said...

Smile!  I know its hard sometimes!  My little girl, 8 yirs old was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes over Christmas vacation.  That has really rocked my world.  She is doing so good with it though.  I know YOU have alot of strength in yourself!  Linda

specialadyfink said...

There you go again-worrying about what we all think-too bad if people don't like what you write-it's 'your' journal-'your' feelings and 'you need' to get it out-that is what a journal is-if peeps don't like it-they can go somewhere else to read..........
you don't need to be stressin over that ,too.....
Take Care
~c~

my78novata said...

I pray you dont loose your ams nad legs nad the drs are wrong I hope you find some peace and comfort. I was told in the ealry 90
s I would not walk in ten yaers HA !!!!!!I IDANCE!!!!!!!!! i was told my heart was failing and in 7-8 I would be needing a heart transplant!!!!! HA they are wrong!!!!!!!!! its been almost 15 years. I have been told I have cardio pulmonary disease but I have fooled them with herbs nad better eating cutting out pork and other things I have surpassed the drs they just say its a fluke. I use chiropractic and that also helps.

cherry2sweet2eat said...

babe let it all out thats what the journal is for no matter who gets tired of hearing about it there is a little x delivered from aol itsself to close pages if people dont want to view them plain and simple. I hope you dont have to lose your arms and legs even though i dont comment alot i do read and i always complain about how bad my life is but compared to others its good to know im not the only one in the world who feel that way.

elmofromoz said...

(((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))  I think mynovata has it right. The herbs help ALOT and trying to find a all natural way is better ( for me anyway) With my fibro I know the herbs have helped and seeing a chrio and getting a massage (heaven) have worked wonders for me. The cost has but a BIG dent in the old pocketbook but my way of thinking has changed...I THINK ABOUT ME NOW...I'M WORTH IT. The kids have to wait for things but they get over it seeing me getting stronger.
  STAY STRONG
 LOVE YA

pharmolo said...

Keep writing, Lisa, it does help to sort things out and is a good way of venting :-)

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((LISA))))))))))))))))))I do pray for you all the time and I will pray that you will not loose your arms and legs.I know its so hard for you.Even if you have changed,I still love you,just the way you are.

kamdghwmw said...

With all that you go through I think that you handle it all with amazing grace! I saw on the news that the east got hammered with a storm!
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/nonmom

imgr8phil said...

You keep writing about what you need to write about for as long as you can. No apologies are necessary.  I'm here as well as many to support you, always remember that.  Take care.

Phil

lisa41076 said...

Lisa, You are always in my thoughts, I will always support you, Love Lisa

cuteallison1980 said...

I will always be here to support you.  I don't envy your situation and if anyone doesn't want to hear it then they don't have to come here.  Just be true to you and we will like you for that.  Luv ya!

Allison

queeniemart said...

Keep on praying, it helps!!
XO lj

dca721 said...

Honey,
I never get tired of you writing about anything.
In my opinion, it helps me, when I get something off of my chest.
Hope it helps you.
Don't worry about people out there that are "like that"
They are a waste of your energy.
Focus on your body, as you have been.
Most important is looking after you, if you don't,
Who does?  Right?
NO one looks after mine around here,
MY EX can be such a fool sometimes,
I can be in so much pain and just because he cannot see it,
he rolls his eyes and wonder why I laid down?
Neither of us, me or you dear Lisa, need to explain to someone like him "who will never get it" & stress is bad for both of us.  (all of us)
Ignore the dumb asses, they know no better...or do they?
Love you girl.
D.

dca721 said...

Lisa,
Many times I don't read the other comments,
sometimes in a "hurry"
I hate that,
I would rather read comments & your journal.
I just read "only" a few
The comments I've read ,have been supportive, I am happy to know. z
If you get any disrespectful BS, in my opinion, I would delete them!  Really.
I still didndt start my own journal, was thinking about it on Sunday
NOW I am not so sure!  
People out there LOVE you.
I am another one.
Your Friend,
Donna

dca721 said...

Lisa,
Comment number "3" for me tonight.
going back to bed to try to sleep.
Hope you are getting "great sleep now"
Love,
Donna

ukgal36 said...

I think writing about it can only help...
i always read  may not always comment but I always read...
take care of you..
Lyn