......cont.

I still need to talk. Sorry. A lot of stuff has just come to a head, thats all. Yes, more sleep will help my body but I'm still going to feel the same as I do now.
Me and my body seem to be two different things to me anymore. It's not just, black & white anymore, there are grays too.
And also yes, when someone is either going through something bad or something that they've learned about their health that really isn't good news and you know your prognosis, this is how you can tell who your friends are and who aren't.
Yes, being told some not nice stuff from all of your doctors does change a persons life and how they look at things. I've noticed that I stand up for myself more. And, so what if I've changed, given the exact same information as I got, wouldn't you? And how? There are so many things that I hold inside me and not tell anyone. It's on a 'need to know basis.' And you know, what I can't still understand is I'm held responcible for my own illnesess! What I mean; I can feel great one minute and then the next minute I can go right into feeling pretty bad. And yes, it's that fast. And when you try to explain it, not too many people get it, or understand. They automatically think that I've changed. Yes and no. Yes, I would love to do this and that but, no, my body won't let me. How hard is that to understand?
I want to get out of the house a lot more then I do but, when I'm not able to, I'm not able to. It's that simple. This has taken my body and morfed it into one that is harder to read then my old body was.
This is no fun and it's not fun when I have to tell someone, "No, I'm sorry, I can't." It has nothing to do with any one person, it's just my body speaking to me. And I 'have' to listen.

Aren't you allowed to grieve? Grieve my losses. And everyone is different when they do grieve. And how long it just might take.
I thought I could get the diagnosis and then "just" be relieved knowing. Well, you don't know how you will react until it happens. Thats why I don't like to hear someone say, "I would have done this...or that!" Really? And you know this for sure? I don't think so. Not if the shoe was on the other foot.
And I'm just tierd of feeling like I have to have a smile on my face all the time. And be in this supper great mood all the time. Well, this is life right here. I can't do those things. Sorry. I can't walk on water.
The only thing that I can fight, is doing my best to prove him wrong on my prognosis. And 'thats' what I'm going to try and do. So far, I do know that I am a month ahead of him. Yay!
And, in my opinion, getting hurt because I'm not able to do something thats beyond my control, really hurts me!

You know, all of this thats going on, I'm doing the best that I can to still be me.
And I don't know how many times I've writen in an entry that I'll do my best to get to your journal. Yes, I know it's been awhile since I've been to your journal. But, I've asked for you to bare with me, didn't I? I can only do so much. Do you read what I write? If you needed me to talk to, then just ask me, I have a good listening ear. Just understand what I say. If not, oh well then.

And it also seems that when I write like I am now, where are my friends? They read and don't comment and back away.
I'm hurting.
I'm grieving.
When do people need their friends the most?

And all I'm doing right now is hurting AND grieving. Is that a bad thing? It has just all seem to hit me all at once. Not a good thing. From March until now, I've had a lot of thinking time and a lot of time to watch and listen to other people. And get emails about how I've changed. Ask yourself....wouldn't you? And how I've rubbed someones face in something that I wrote. No....thats just the way YOU took it. And that I've writen something that wasn't politically correct! So what! I can't spell either! Whip me out an email for that one too!
And it just all comes back to, "Try wearing my shoes and see how you feel."