Sunday, July 6, 2008

~The product.

Good morning. Hoping all are doing well today.

I thought I would write about a few things in my life when I was growing up. Maybe it will help you understand where I'm coming from now, as an adult.
I can remember as far back as a baby in my crib. I also remember that I had to wear braces on my feet to help turn my legs in. I don't know how or why I do remember so far back. There must be a reason just like there is a reason that I have all of the illnesses.
I do know that I'm a product of a rape. I know the road that it happened on as well. It's very creepy at night.

I remember that my step father was our breadman. I never liked him. I could see a dark mist around him. At this time I think I was 3. Actually, the only thing that I remember of my biological father is when he came to the door one time and all I seen was a dark shadow because the sun was in my eyes. He was a very tall man as well. He was not in my life.
But my mom married the breadman. I was not very happy about that at all. My grandma took me to see my uncle race at the fair grounds while they were getting married. She tried to calm me down, but it really didn't work. Because I knew I had to live with him.
We lived in the next town south of here. Then we moved to this town. We lived in a bottom apartment. In this house is where I can remember fully of things "moving" around. I would also see people that you could walk through. I could hear them talking all night in my room. My step dad also had this and so did my mom. And not that long ago when I was doing the family tree, my grandma had it and her mother and so on.

This is just going all over the place. :o) I have so much I want to tell and it's getting all a mess now. :o) Sorry about this. Bare with me. :o) Ok, enough about all of our gifts.
I was a very painfully shy little girl. I had to go to kindergarten 2 times! lol :o) If a teacher called me, my face turned red and I was mortified! :o) I know when I had my children, I raised them in a consious way of not being shy, getting out in the world, and you can be and do what ever you want, evenif it was more then one thing. Well, All of you kind of know my children. I'm so very proud of them. And of course we went through the drug and drinking stuff. I took parenting classes to try and see what I could do different to help. I even took a tough love class. They had me crying during the classes! But, I did do what they suggested and it worked. :o)
Like I said, this entry is all over. :o) I hate it when I have so much to say, and I do this! lol

I'll go back to when I was 6, because I really want to tell you about this. I don't think I already have. One night, when I was in my bed, I heard this 'groaning'. At that time, my bed was in the living room. We were poor, small house and 3 children, they had to do something for all of us to have a room.
I had heard this groaning before, but not as loud. I opened my eyes (because I'm the type of person that has to see, and not hide) and there right in front of me at the end of my bed was an elderly man. All of the sudden, he came forward and 'fell' into me! The last thing I can remember is my own body did  jolt. The next morning, I woke up in bed between an elderly couple two houses down. I got scared and asked for my mom. Well, I found out that the elderly man was married to the elderly woman down the street and that our house is where they lived. She remarried. So, my body was a vehical for him to use. After that, I was able to keep certain things in order, like when I did see someone, I could tell if they were dead or not. It got easier from then on.
I was still very shy all through school. It made my grades low. I got in big trouble for that! I'd get the 'belt.' My stepdad thought I could do better (which I could if I wasn't so shy and feared him), he was smart and thought if he could do it, then so could I. Not so. That man had me more upset then anything. I was always in the hospital for ulcers.
I was seeing a sychyatrist (SP) and he actually told my mom to have me quit school!!! OMG! In May of my junior year, I had to go around to each class and have the teacher sign a paper for me. I cried. I knew then that this phys. guy needed help himself! All I had left to do was the rest of May which was two weeks and half of another year. I did get my GED. :o)
In high school, I was having alot of problems with my siezures being under controll. They were all the time and almost everyother day.

When my son Andrew died, I knew I had a long road ahead of me to fix the things that really needed it. My doctor at that time, told me way back then that I had the back of a 90 year old, and my body itself seemed much older for a young person. He was a great doctor and person as well. He was my neuro, and just everything doctor...I didn't have to go to all kinds of doctors when I saw him. I miss that. And him. But when I think back to all these years, He already knew. He died because of a faild kidney transplant. I have tried and tried to get my records from that office and know one knew where they were. And I know that those records holds the key to solving my health. He also knew about my stepfather raping me and the beatings.
I wonder if I can somehow look it up on the web.
I'll keep trying to get them. And my childrens as well.
Just thinking...all I did while growing up was stay in my bedroom. Imagine that one. Gee...what do I do now?! My mom always said that my bedrooms looked like little hotel rooms. I was almost OCD with my clothes, shoes and laundry. My bed and well, everything else. My clothes were always color, season and size. My shoes were set in a row. I would never just slip my shoes off my feet because it made the backs go bad. I also could tell if anyone was in my room when I wasn't at home. I know, lol I'm weird! :o)

Last night, dh and I went out to the front porch to sit and water my flowers and plants. It felt good. I have a bench sitting under the mailbox and close to the front door. I was sitting in my chair which is by the edge where I have my roses. All of the sudden, my right side of my body started shaking. I had a bottle of water in my hands and dh seen my face and jumped up to help me. He knew that it was a seizure as well as I did. It really came on pretty fast. He scooped me up and got me in my bed. After a few minutes, I went into one. I'm used to having them, since I've had them when I was about 6 months old. I don't know how long it lasted, I forgot to have dh time it for me. My doctor needs to know these things.
So today, I feel like a train hit me, a bus and like I fell 80 feet! <uuuggghhh> It usually takes me about 3-5 days to get myself back to normal again. The older I get, the harder they are on me.
Gotta go fornow. :o)
<-----<------<----Don't forget to sign my guest book please. :o)

"The point is not to pay back kindness but to pass it on."
– Julia Alvarez




buggieboo1 said...

I too was a very shy child! I made sure to make my kids shy! Sometimes it is hard! Because I tell my kids pratice what you preach, and here I am still shy even though I have brought them up not to be!
I hope you are feeling better soon Lisa and it doesn't take 3-5 days for you to recover!
Thinking of you!


hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((LISA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))I am sorry you had to go through so much when you were young.I hope and pray one day you can get your records and your kids records.I have already signed your guest book.Love you bunches.

cuteallison1980 said...

That was quite the entry, a hodge podge of happenings throughout your life.  Sorry you had a seizure last night.  Try to make this week a happy one.  Luv ya!


dca721 said...

Hi Lisa,
I am sorry you have gone through so much.
Can you prosecute step dad?
He deserves jail, the loser.
I am glad dh was with you last night.
I was shy as a chld.  That changed around age 27.
My child is shy.
I wish he were more outspoken in this tough world.
He's a good kid and doesn't seem to have a mean bone in his body
I feel many kids are and he will out grow.
I am so lucky to be his Mom.
Sleep well Lisa.

gehi6 said...

This was an extremely interesting entry to me about your gifts and some of the people you 'saw'.  You certainly had a difficult childhood, too.  Your case makes a fascinating study.  I do hope you get it all written in a memoir form.  I do think your story would make a very good if sad book.  I hope you have the strength still to do it.  Gerry