Thursday, July 10, 2008

~One day, my words will count!


Yes, I have attitude today. You know when you get "that gut feeling" about something/someone and you either act on it, or you just second guess yourself and go for it? I do both. The reason I do it now as an adult at my age is mostly because everyday, I'm challenged with someone. No matter what "I" say matters or counts. And it never really did.
About 23 years ago, I was presented with a challenge. I had a gut feeling, but I didn't listen to it. And I very well should have! Hind sight is always 20/20, but still I didn't listen.

I actually had 2 choices. Oh well. And I end up with a life time of pure hell!
I've never in my life seen anyone as callous as this person. And being proud of it!
Has anyone ever had someone/spouse call up your best friend and their husband to tell them that they would do everything in their power to keep my friend and her family apart from me? And when I say, "That I've lost my friend" during my newly diagnosed health issues, thats how it happened. I don't matter! It's what matters to someone/spouse. And this was done behind my back. I was not in the room when it was done and I don't know what was said. I was told to not talk about this in my journal. Right now, I don't care. I have no one to talk to except for my children.

I've been apoached about me going in an Elderly home! Why?
The reason's that both of my children moved out was because of someone. My heart hurts because of this. I did my best to shelter them. But they heard the yelling. Yes, I do realize that I do need to find a safer place, but I fear someone will do what they have always done to me when I would leave/move.

I always appreciat everything that is done for me. But not the head games and the intimidations and threats.

Sorry about the vent, but I truly needed to release. I've held this in me Since last November. I think it was November. And it was taking a toll on me, so I had to release. Theres plenty more, but not right now. I've upset myself and I'm feeling the way I did when this was all said and done. I would have much rather been punched in the gut instead of all of this crap.

When I woke up this morning, I took my vitals like always. My BP was 198/168. Pulse, 102 and sugar, 170. Last night it was BP, 166/103, Pulse, 103 and sugar was 164. And in the morning yesterday, BP, 143/129, Pulse, 89 and sugar, 165.
Yes, I show my vitals to my nurse that comes on Thursdays. She doesn't know why my doctor isn't doing anything about it. I wonder too. Because I take the tablet in when I see her, and she see's them.

I really have no idea as to what's normal and what isn't.
I'm still cramping up. Not nearly as much as I was. I'm thankful that it has slowed down. My case manager come by yesterday for my yearly assement. She had to ask questions etc... One of the questions asked was, "How many hours does my primary care taker spend on me, like rubbing my feet, my back and legs, and things like that, to make me feel comfortable. My answer was 1 hour! I couldn't think of anymore.

Yes, I do ask him but if he doesn't feel up to it or if he gets a call from someone and if my daughter and grandsons come to visit. They all come first. And when he does rub my back, etc... I really appreciate it. And I feel bad when I thought about the time and it would only amount to maybe 1 hour.
One day I and my words will count, mean something. Because they do to me.
And telling someone to not tell anyone about...what he says to me about others or just about anything, and I don't like that. I could slip up (and I do) and say it. I think he tells me this is to see if I said anything. I don't care anymore. I really don't. And to do my best to forgive him of taking my best friend out of my life. Thats a hard one! And very hurtful.
My home health aide is here, so I need to end this.



7 comments:

chat2missie said...

I'm not sure to write................just know I'm here for you and have you in my daily prayers.
Missie

ajquinn354 said...

Lisa if she was indeed your best friend, she would not have bolted. I can't imagine her not sticking with you.Was she threatened. Best friends are always there for each other thru thick and thin.  I know NO ONE and I mean NO ONE would ever be allowed to do this to me...I treasure my best friends and we're there for each other always and no spouse/person would dare to try to destroy my "Forever Sis" relationship with my girlfriends. It would be don't let the door hit you in the ass as you leave.

As far as being approached about going into an "Elderly Home", you need more like a assisted care facility that cares for all ages dear....you need love and comfort of your kids/grandkids, versus what you are going thru always.....sounds like you aren't getting the love and care you need at home.  Might be worth checking things out.  Stop letting anyone intimidate or make threat dear....ask your case manager for help in this situation. You've certainly nothing to lose.  All this can't be helping your vitals which are high and out of line.  Arlene (AJ)

dca721 said...

Hi Lisa,
I am sorry.
I was betrayed a few years back, it was like a knife in the stomach.
I hope things get better.
Love,
Donna

cuteallison1980 said...

I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much physical pain and so much mental anquish.  I'm glad you were able to get it out.  I hope it helped a little.  Luv ya!

Allison

texastames35 said...

i we love you lisa your faith and prayers will help u thur . daily prayers , and hugs im sry about all . wish things would get better and you be healed . thanks for sharing with us , i feel u gave us and your self the best rthank you . best friends i hope . i mean it im here . you have lots going for you . things are not as they same . be safe . and try to think + . your a wonderful lady , not all have done what you have  done and can do , tc of u , praying daily . yw ty , may god gave you his blesssings and keep u safe and pain free . thanks for all love you destiny ,

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((((LISA))))))))))))))))))I agree with the other comments,one about your faith and the one about friends should always stick together.If I lived cloxe to you,I would always be there for you and no one would break our friendhsip apart.I hope you have a nice weekend.I loe you sooooooooo much.

gehi6 said...

Oh dear, when I read the numbers on your blood pressure I think what is going on, but I am afraid that you have got too much stress going on along with your physical problems and I know you want to be in a place where you can see your family.  This is such a hard call.  I do feel for you this morning.  Gerry