Thursday, April 10, 2008

~I walk by faith

Good morning. I do hope that all of you are doing alright.

Tuesday, my mom came over to take me to Middletown, which has gotten so much harder to do the ride. I made the descion to not go. The reason I was suppose to go was to take part of that one part of that test over agian.
So my mom and I spent the day together. :o) That was great. :o) My daughter and son and Kayden! I couldn't ask for more. She wanted to take me to the other hospital since I wasn't going to Middletown. I  told her no, but thanks. She has never really seen my body all swollen like it is now. It is a bit upsetting to see in a way. I couldn't go anywhere this whole week, except for the heart doctor. It of course really is hurting pretty bad. I'm just going to take the pain, and ride it out as best I can. I missed going someplace that I really wanted to go to and I'm hoping they understand. I'm sure they do.
I wanted to also talk to my mom. Something that I know is upsetting. But this is what I've desided to do for many reasons. I've asked dh to please go ahead to the lawyers and I'm going to get a living will. And the other stuff I need to do. He is doing it for me. He gets so upset to see me in the ways I've been in. So am I. He said that he really hates to watch the person you love, just die right in front of you. And doctors that aren't doing their jobs. And I'm done. I'm so tired of the pills and all of the tests. With all of the x-rays, CT scans and MRI's...I should be glowing. And with how many that I've had just within the past 6 months isn't healthy.

I'm tired. My body is giving out on me. And theres nothing I can do about it anymore. Just use what energy I have and ride with it.
Too bad that my soul doesn't match my body. I'm still me in the vessel.
It's not that I'm giving up, I'm not. My body has. It takes so much anymore just to even speak. Whats going on is a bit difficult to explain. I have so much going on with my body and I've ran out of the energy that I could tap from. My mind tries to figure out other resources, but they're not there.
I'm just done. I'm done with all of the tests and the doctors and all of the medicines. BecauseI haven't changed! Nothing has worked and I'm not going to be a geunie pig anymore to the things I have done and hasn't worked. No more medicines. yes, on Monday when at my heart doctor, I do with she would have given me the medicines she wanted to. They were to help my deterating left lung and my over sized heart. Since she didn't, like she told me, Those pills still wouldn't have kept me living any longer, just make me comfortable until I do die. The pills could have taken the pains away, who knows? Oh well.

All I really want to do now is to just stay comfortable as much as I can. And if I do have energy, I'll use it. I have such a wonderful family that I do love so much! I'm sure everyone knows that one. :o)
I'm so tired. My body is very weak. It's making it weaker by fighting on most of my days. I'm done. I walk by faith. I will never lose that. My faith has gotten me this far. :o) In Gods time. I know how ready I am.
This entry wasn't suppose to be so long. It's also not meant to be depressing. This is my life. And I'm finally excepting it as it is.
May God bless each and everyone of you! He already has! :o) I thank God for everyday that He has given me and with no regrets. I walk by faith! :o)

Please don't take life for granted! Get up and move and have so much fun! I know you can! :o)



peytonswater said...

I think a will is something everyone should have as an adult.  I think you have to walk in faith and stay postive as you can. i can't imagine the frustration of going through all these tests all the time. I would just have thrown in the towel I think.  WHo knows really until your in those shoes :( your in my thoughts

pharmolo said...

I am sorry the whole process has gotten you down, Lisa. Can understand, all the tests, all the pills - and little or nothing to show for all your bother. Coupled with a nearly unprofessional disinterest from your doctors, I can see why you say: leave me be.

ajquinn354 said...

Lisa proud of you and your strong faith, only you know what you need to do to find comfort for you dear.  Glad you are having a Living Will made, everyone should have a will as we never know from day to day.  Sorry all that you have been through with the doctors hasn't helped you much....know you have so many things going on health wise and my heart goes out for you. The final decision of what you want is all yours dear, but know I care and keep you in my thoughts and prayers always that tomorrow will be a brighter day for you. Bless you. Arlene (AJ)

chat2missie said...

Your daughter is so big!  I bet you can't wait!

momiscool2 said...

Dear Lisa,

I am keeping you in my prayers daily and I know so many others are too.
You are so strong and I know how hard it is for you every day.
I pray that your pain goes away and that you have your family for a very long time to come.
I love the pictures of you and your family - you are beautiful!!!

katie39041 said...

Hugs my sweet fibro friend. I do not know what to say to you, One thought was this. She needs a holiday. A break away from the normal day to day grind. One thing i will say Lisa is make each day count, your going to be a new Granma you have so much to look forward to. I know a bit of how you feel, And i know like me you will not give up fighting. Sometimes Lisa the hospital trips, the medications the physio takes over your life.You need time away from all that. Have fun.
Enjoy those kids and grandkids
love and hugs

gehi6 said...

And it is so brave of you to accept what you cannot change and start getting the papers ready that will help make it easier for the living no matter what happens.  I have all my cards to give my kids where to call to have them take my body for science. I am looking for the right time to give it to them  When my son Raymond cries about my approaching my final years, I will just say well we need to talk all we can before that happens~   Your mother looks so much like you.  It was good to see you side by side.  I am sure she is very proud of your attitude.  Gerry

lanurseprn said...

Hi Lisa,
Enjoyed your pics as always. You and your Mom really look alike. I hope you do get your will done. I have one, too. You just never know when it will come in handy.
Hope you start feeling better soon. Take care.

sweetestsin52605 said...

I love you so much mom! I know you have more to live and God won't take you until he thinks you are ready. You may be done with everything, but he's not ready to take you home yet. Or atleast he better not!! lol
I love you and you have pulled a GREAT fight.

siennastarr said...


imgr8phil said...

It's tough to see anyone in the shape you are and wanting to go on with a lot of will only to be stopped in  your tracks by doctors that just don't want to do everything they can for you.  I do like your attitude and just do what you can do and try to enjoy each and every new day.  Take care Lisa.


cuteallison1980 said...

I wish things were better for you Lisa, I really do.  I want you to know that you are regularly in my prayers and I always wish for your happiness.  Hope you have a smile on your face. : )  Luv ya!


ukgal36 said...

i hate that all this is happening to you but you have inspired me today..i WILL not whine about the dumb dinner party i have to go to tonight..I will go and enjoy it..and I am going to the beach today!!

kirkbyj05 said...

At the end of the day Lisa it is a quality of life which we all need and expect.  Always being at the beck and call of hospitals, doctors and appointments, means you are their subject not your own person.  I remember those days well when I was being treat for my cancer.
The treatment you have been getting in return from your doctor is dreadful and negligent!
I'm hoping and praying for your happiness and comfort.  You have had to deal with so much in your life time.
Please know that I constantly think of you and mention you in my prayers.  You are a very brave, loving and caring lady.
Much love
God bless you.
Jeanie xxx

emabecmar said...

I wish I could take all the pain away. But please know your in my prayers daily. (((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Love ya,

misswings60 said...

yes gerry i am very proud of my daughter..and i love her so very much..she is a very strong lady,and she knows,if i could i would gladly take her pain..i love you baby..momma