I just feel the need to write again. I just hope that I'm not boring and that you might be sick of me.
Please just bare with me as I go through this. It seems to help by just writing. It's like talking things out. So to speak.
I still want to write a book about my trials. I think just publishing this journal would be a start. I never want to offend anyone with what I do write. It's only my life and what I go through in my life. All of our lives are very different.
I am hoping that by the sound of my voice and all of my crying and screams, will still help someone. Because I do know I'm not alone in this.
Like on Father's Day, my biological father isn't in my life, and my step father thought he could get his rocks off by abusing me, everything you can think of, he did. I've forgiven him, and after our talk, he gave me a hug and thats the last I've seen of him. Unless I just so happen I run into him. On Father's Day, my Father that I reconize is are Father in Heaven. I know He has me in his arms. But there are times that I do feel alone. Just left in a corner.
I have been in my bed resting and just felt the need to write. No, this is not a pity party. It's just my life.
I miss my best friend very much. I know what we both went through a few months back, and theres a commen denominator behind all of that.
I feel like I'm watching things go by while I'm going the opposite way. My life has made a hudge U-Turn. All I thought for awhile was that I had fibromyalgia and then my neurologists testing me for MS still. To think back, and I complained!?! I feel bad about that. And then BOOM!!! Things are going haywire! The life I used to live has really gone out for lunch. It's not going to come back. What do you do when you're not able to hold something in your own hand and you drop it everytime? Feeling as if you had the flu or even the cold and you may "feel" it, but thats "not" what it is. Now isn't that confusing.
I can't look up, down or side to side without saying what hurts. My "body" has let medown big time. I need a new "body" for my soul to continue to live, breath and laugh.
I watched my aunt die with breast cancer. The cancer spread and it was eating her lungs away. I watched this and was there for her. It's ecthed in my mind forever. My grandother had congestive heart failure as well, among other things. I watched her as well. Now, what do you think is going through my mind?
I am doing my best to stop it. Keep walking around the house, watching tv, reading and I need to keep my mind busy or I'm litterally lose my mind!!! No kidding! I'm started to lose it now.
I'm praying. I'm asking. I'm begging. And once again, I'm waiting. If this is what I have to do, then I'll do some of it. I can't waist the energy I have right now on one thing. I have to know when and where even more so then I did before. <hudge sigh> I'm still me.
I'm starting to feel a bit better right now. Thanks for listening my friends.
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
- Dick Gregory