Monday, April 17, 2006

A pain full weekend.

So much to talk about but I'll keep it as short as I can. I think I don't have many readers in J-land anymore....but, I hope my battle of this gets through to who ever does read this journal. I can't help but to have up and down days in my life, because of this severe pain. Yes, I do have my faith, won't lose that. Thats what keeps me going through all of this. When I just had the fibromyalgia, I said then that I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. And at that time, I thought that was "pain." Not like it is now. Of course I still feel the same way, I don't wish this on anyone. But, I did however, tell my husband that I would love to switch just one day with him so he can see what this is all like! There are days when I'm in so much pain...I was told that I look mad! Well....so very sorry for that, I don't know what I look like when going through this. It doesn't mean I'm mad...I'm happy, I may look different then how I feel emoitionally. Just because I'm in pain doesn't mean that I'm still not happy. Right?
I have another doctors appointment this morning to find out my results of my EEG I had done last week. Oh boy...I've began not to like going for results of any of my tests anymore...latelty they've been nothing but more wrong with me. Yes, even though I have a positive out look on all of this. It's hard to write words down and for others reading it to not actually feel what I'm really feeling, like happy, positive, and the like. I just write what I'm going through. And yes, I still pray eveyday for strength and to be healed. I have all that I have for a reason. And I know this. There are days that I feel so alone....even though I know that God is by myside, I still need human contact. I'm still only human. I need more positive people around me. I know that I have my mom, my daughter and my son and my best friend. But they all have their lives as well. I sit here day in and day out alone either on this computer or in my bed....thats been my life. I can't do much of anything else. I've lost so much more abilities this past month. The list would be shorter just to tell what I can still do. I'm moarning my losses and trying to move on. My incontinance is so much more worse now. I urinate myself so many times a day now. Not fun. The pain that I have in my back is so unbareable! I only feel like screaming. Even when I put a pain patch on my spine, it doesn't really do anything. But I still try them for just incase for a moment of painfree. I'd be so excited if that happened. One moment! Thats all I ask for. It's gotten much worse now when I stand up or walk. My back is so weak, I bend forward. Then I have to sit down. That doesn't give me much time to do much of anything. Well...the "things" that I can still do. My energy gets zapped everyday. When my daughter and my grandson come over, I can't play or hold him like I used to. :o( My heart hurts over that one. :o( He doesn't understand. :o( I just get so weak, I start to shake at times. I don't know whats next in this health hell, but I would like for it to be something that they will give me the right meds. for to help me.
I did get the job that I wanted on line, volunteering! YAY! I can't wait to start. It will at least give me something to do with my time....time...I seem to have a lot of that lately.
Thats all. God bless all of you.

6 comments:

akapussnboots said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am still here for you, sorry I havent been over more, just been staying home close to phone due to Aunt Ruth and job calls. Ruth is now getting worse instead of better so I never know when I will get a call and be on my way to dayton. I will try to make it over soon. hope things start getting better for you. love ya, Rhonda

seraphoflove9001 said...

Rhonda,
Oh hon, I know you would come over if you could...believe me I understand. I'm so sorry to hear about Aunt Ruth. :o( I feel so bad for her. :o( And...if you need me, I'm always here for you as well. :o) Ok? :o)
Love you! :o)
Lisa

dianneclewien said...

Dear Lisa,
I am still here and reading every day, I am so sorry I don't take the time to leave you a comment every day. I will try to do better.
I am sorry to hear you are in so much more pain. No one deserves that. I have an Aunt who also suffers greatly from MS. I understand about the shaking and such. I have seen first hand what this disease can do to a person.
Try to hang there and don't give in.
If you ever feel the need to talk to someone who is an "outsider" send me an email and I will call you just as soon as I read the email.
Blessings from your friend in Oklahoma.
Dianne

seraphoflove9001 said...

Dianne,
You don't have to leave a comment every day. :o) I understand. I read your journal everyday as well, and sometimes forget to leave a comment to let you know I was there. :o) Thank you, I will write to you. There are days I just don't know about, and wonder what to do about it. ggrrr! Thank you. :o)
Lisa

misswings60 said...

Oh honey you know I would be there more for you if I could,with working 3rd shift I don't get ther as often as I would like. But believe me honey I do understand the pain you are going through. If I could I would take all of the pain away from you and make you all better. I love you honey. Mom

seraphoflove9001 said...

Thank you mom. :o) It's ok, I understand. Plus...I just got caught not being in bed! OOOPPPSSSS!!!! lol :o) I love you!
Lisa