Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Can't sleep.

I can't sleep because of too much on my mind still. No matter what I seem to do, I can't clear my mind. Of course, I still have that one stresser that I've had for awhile. No matter how much I talk, it doesn't help. And to that person. I don't understand so many things in my life I suppose. Of course, who does? This is not a "pitty party," this is all the truth! Sure, I have fibromyalgia, but that isn't the problem. I know that God gave me this for a reason. There's just so much more that I guess I don't undestand. The only thing that I can come up with is that God is trying to make me even stronger. If this is the case, then I really don't know why. Not trying to deny anything God will send my way. My mom married a man that absoluted hated when I was 4 years old. He was an alcoholic, and abused me verbally, mentally ,physically, and sexually until the age of 17. I told my mom when I was 15. I never lied to her. I always told her eveything that I did, like when I first had sex, and started smoking. I am a person that can't lie. I lived on very hard times with my babies, having to work 3 jobs to make ends meet. Not complaining. Went through 2 marriages until I met my husband I have now. What a wonderful person he is. :o) He took me and my children plus my "past bagage". Plus my younger sister lived with us, we didn't get any child support for her and we sent her to school and made the best of what we had, and to make sure she had lunch money as well. In 1997, my children and I were kidnaped and taken to Arkansas. I was drugged. I don't remember too many of the details, but my husband finally found us and came and saved us. Both my children and I have never forgotten that ordeal, and are still to this day a bit scared. I might have said this before but, I'm the type of person that will help and do anything for anyone if I am able to. I always have. If I have it or enough, it's yours. My husband and I have donated so many things to places in our town to help, plus donations to charities. We've helped a friend in need with groceries and getting her children's Christmas. It is never to expect anything in return, we are just that way. The smiles are our thank you's and it warms our hearts. :O) Thats what counts. We've helped out a lot of our friends and family. Just yesterday, I gave the little boy that lives next door to us a bag of polished stones. He love stones and rocks, so I thought I would surprise him because I collect them as well. What made my day was to see how grateful he was and how it was like I gave him the moon! :o) He sat on the porch with them all in a row with the sun shinning down on them so they could sparkle. :O) If I have it, I can help others and I do. Thats always been my nature. I've turned all the negativity from my childhood around and have used it all in a positive way. :o) I don't like to see people suffer or go without like I did. Yes, we are still struggling right now. When it rains it pours. :o( The thing is, when will it be my turn or our turn to ever get a break? Thats the part that I don't understand. Yes, it has given me patients and made me a stronger person. I got an email today that bothered me. I just don't understand some people. It hurt me. But, no matter what, I will not change the way I am for no one. I love me and the way I am. :o) My husband brought home an electric lighted fish aquarium, and I've decided to give it to my physical therapist so she can give it to an elderly lady that had mentioned on where to buy them. I know what it's like to be on bed rest, and I know she will enjoy it very much. :o) I think I got most things off my mind. Not all, because I can't write about them in this. Gentle hugs to you all. :o)


jeremysbabydaul2 said...

I think this is one of my favorite journal entries that you have done mom. Hope that I am not the stresser. If so, come and talk to me and if not you can still talk to me. The Arkansas thing did a lot to our family. I was 12 at the time and can still talk about it because I can remember a whole lot that went on. It just hurts when people really don't believe you when you tell others. Nice entry mom. Love ya bunches.

missboogerhead said...

Honey, I just don't know what to say?
~Miss O