Sunday, September 30, 2007

This is the entry I was going to post the day I fell...but didn't because I needed to log.

.....Just to let you know, nothing in this journal's entry is toward anyone in specific, I use it to write my feelings, and about my illnesess, and in hopes it might help someone else as I do.I do not pretend nor imatate to be someone I'm not.I have to be careful, apparently someone are way too obsessed with 'my' life. And if you might take an entry wrong and feel that it is about you, I'm sorry but It isn't, it just may seem to coincide with your own life. And if there is something in what I write that "offends" you, options; don't read, or realize that this IS real life, and get out of your plastic bubble and learn more about it! God bless you!......


Good morning! In hopes that this finds all of you with no or very little pains today!

Sorry about the long subject/title. I was going to write about this the day I fell. It is to answer a few questions about some things in my life.....from a comment a dear friend of mine wrote. :o) It might explain a bit more of why I am the way I am to this very day. was too young for me to have to have a total hysterectomy because of uterine cancer at the age of 22.
When I was growing up, ( I think I've written about this before ) my mom remarried a man that I did not like! I was 4 years old. Even at that young of an age, I could 'feel' he was a 'bad' person. I remember crying to my mom to please not marry him! But, who's going to listen to a 4 year old about something like that?
After they married, we moved from Troy to here in Piqua. ( Ohio ) We lived in the bottom floor of an appartment. And elderly lady lived above us. new step dad was an alcaholic! I wasn't used to being around such evilness! That is just a word that I can only think of to describe him and my feelings towards him.
He would go out and sit in the bars at night and pick up other women! Then my mom had to get me up out of bed so she could go and get him from these women's houses....and help get him in the house and to bed! To me, that had become a 'normal' life. I thought that was the way it was when you got married, because I didn't remember when she was married to my father, I was only months old when they divorced.

Now....this is when it all started to happen. Since I was the only child at that time and was not his child, he started to abuse me! It started with verbal, and then when my mom would be gone someplace and I was there alone with him, he would tell me, "Now your mom isn't here to protect you!" Thats when the beatings started. I didn't tell my mom. Then she had my sister. I was so happy to have a sister. We moved to a house and the beatings got worse. He would yell at me for laughing and then grab me by whatever he could grab on me, legs, arms and beat me and then throw me across the room. I landed where I just landed! I remember how much it hurt. It was always when my mom wasn't there. Then we moved again and my mom had my other sister. I remember him coming in my bedroom at nights and doing things to me. He told me not to tell anyone especially my mom! I hated to go to bed, because I knew what was going to happen. I would have much rather had the verbal abuse then the sexual abuse. I got both though. All of this went on for years.

Now I'm moving ahead a bit.....I was 15 when I told my mom what I had gone through ever since she married him. She kicked him out for about 3 months. They got back together! Because I told, my life was so much worse now! All of the abuse that he did to me became an everyday event! I was just 'used' to it. I felt so dirty. I wondered what I did to make him treat me in such a way. I was 16 and he actually started beating me in front of my mom! After he had thrown me across the dinning room, he drew back with his fist to hit me in the face, and out of the blue, my mom stopped his fist from hitting my face. That was the last time he hit me. Then all he did to me was the verbal abuse.
Now....moving on.....
When I went to my doctor for my check ups, he told me that my body was so much older than it should be! I didn't know what he meant by that. He also told me that I had the spine of an 80 year olds! It all came down from all of the beatings and being thrown. My body was damaged way beyond to be 'fixed.'
Then at 18, I had my son. I was told that I couldn't have anymore babies because of my uterus wouldn't be able to hold another baby. At 21, I had my daughter! I call her my miricle baby. I almost lost her somany times! After having her, I had my tubes tied. Then when I was 22, they found that I had cancer starting on my uterus! So, I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 22! Yes....all doctors couldn't believe what a mess my body was in. After the birth of my daughter, is when I started having the symptoms of MS and Fibromyalgia. My neurologist that I had at that time just told me that it was all in my head! After years of trying to get someone to listen to me on what was going on with me and my body, I was finally diagnosed with the Fibromyalgia! I found another doctor and he found that I had Osteoporosis and Osteoarthritis in my spine! He told me that my spine was much older than what it should be! This was so many years later! I was in my late 30's then! He asked me if I had ever been abused....I told him yes. Well....because of all the abuse and beatings I took...basically ruined my body! Plus, being anorexic didn't help my bones and body either.
So....this is how/why my body and health has deminished as it has. I'm now 44 years old and I have the bones and body of an 80 year old!

Sorry this is a long entry....but I felt the need to explain the 'why' I was so young to have the hysterectomy and having so much illnesses. I was abused in every way you can think of and my young body could only take so much. He damaged me!
I hope what I wrote made sense and maybe kind of helped for you to understand why my body is doing so many different things that it shouldn't be at the age that I am. I have forgiven him years back for what he had done to me. I had to move on in my life. And I did! :o) He can not and will not ever hurt me ever again!
I know that my beliefs and having God to turn to, is what saved my life many times! :o) I also feel that what has happened to whole life...was for a reason. God doesn't give you what you can't handle! And I also feel that these illnesses were also given to me for a reason as well. I think thats why I've never said, "Why me?" I am the opposite....I look at it as there is a reason and I'm going to do all I can to help others as best as I can! I will continue fighting and continue to help others! :o) I guess what I endured throughout my life, is what has given me the strength to do this and having God with me as well! :o)

Thank you! Just Thank You for all of you for just being you and being my friends! :o) I'm sending you all so many hugs! :o) God bless all of you! :o)



malagutigrrl said...

Wow.  What an entry.  I think you are an amazing woman, Lisa.  You absolutely ROCK.  Your body may be a mess but nobody can harm your soul, and it's HUGE.  You've been an inspiration to me in learning to deal with MS.  And I haven't taken time to thank you for that.  So....

imgr8phil said...

Oh Lisa.  Your whole story is so heartbreaking.  No one should have to go through all the horrible things you  have had to endure.  I wish I could give you a hug, so I guess I cyber ((((((Hug)))))) will have to do.  I wish your mom wouldn't have been so blind, bringing an alcoholic abuser into your household.  You are a very strong person and I am glad to know you.  Take care and hope you are feeling OK today.


lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwww Lisa I am so sorry you had to endure so much pain and abuse as a child , your body may be damaged but your heart is beautiful, always remember that, you are an inspiration to many, Love Ya Lisa XO

elmofromoz said...

There is only one word to discribe you.....HERO!!!!!!!

   Love ya

sugarsweet056 said...

Love, hugs, & prayers.

kirkbyj05 said...

Dear Lisa

I'm so sorry you have had to hold this dreadful secret inside for so long.  You have been treat dreadfully and yet your lovely spirit lifts itself up out of it all. I admire you for that.
I'm angry that you have still to suffer the pain from the beatings because of the damage it did to your bones.  How could your mother not have seen all that was going on.  Surely your bruises showed!  Anyway as you said its behind you now and you have raised above it all.  Well done you!  I wish there were ways to comfort you but all I have are a pair of eyes to read what you write and a heart that empathises with you.

Take care.  I hope your pain from the fall soon eases up.

Jenaie xxxx

dca721 said...

You are an amazing woman.
So strong.
Love you,

pharmolo said...

Your story is one of many people who suffered abuse early in life, to have to live with the consequences later on. Your spiritual fortitude is remarkable, Lisa.

lanurseprn said...

Wow you have gone through a LOT! How you have kept up your good spirit is beyond me. I would have been a bitter person if I'd gone through all of that.
You daughter is a miracle baby, and so are your grandchildren. They all were meant to be here to be with you, Lisa.
Have a great day,

lanurseprn said...

Wow you have gone through a LOT! How you have kept up your good spirit is beyond me. I would have been a bitter person if I'd gone through all of that.
You daughter is a miracle baby, and so are your grandchildren. They all were meant to be here to be with you, Lisa.
Have a great day,

jonibooks1991 said...

Lisa, you are an amazing person to have lifted yourself up out of that terrible childhood.  Your spirit is so gracious and what keeps you going, it is truly beautiful.  I am so glad that now you have a wonderful family, that obviously adores you and cares for you.  I think maybe you should write a book about your life, it could be inspirational to others.  Joni

zoepaul6968 said...

you know we have talked so many times,and i know a little of your past,yet it still makes me cry,how awful the pain and suffering one person can inflict,in hopes we can look and say he will suffer for his evils,but it doesnt stop your pain,i found out yesterday that my fathers new partner has fybromyalgia,she doesnt even know what it means and so i have been trawling the internet to help her,her own doctor just gives her anti depressants and doesnt bother,life is so cruel but hope is always there,hugs to you zoe xx

astoriasand said...

Well Lisa I am so shocked at reading this.You are not only so brave to have endured all you have, but also brave for writng it down here in your journal.You deserve a medal in my eyes.You keep writing Lisa and I'll keep praying for you and yours.Take Care God Bless Kath

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((LISA)))))))))))))))))   :)

ajquinn354 said...

Lisa, my heart aches for all you went through from the time you were a little girl to today with your health problems.  No one should ever have to go through such hell like that dear.  Why oh why didn't your Mom have him thrown out and arrested for what he did to you, I'll never understand a parent allowing abuse like you went through to happen to their child. Bless you dear...Arlene (AJ)

heavenlybama said...

You've been thru alot!  I couldn't imagine all that abuse being so young.  You have a great positive attitude and with that and God at your side, you'll get thru anything that comes your way.  I wish you didn't have to go thru that but it's in the past now and it can't be changed so you just have to look to the future.  You are a wonderful friend!

trishaham said...

Lisa, I remember you writing about this a long time ago.I had forgotten all about it. You were a strong little girl that went through horror's no human being should go through. You are a true gift from God. You have turned around all your negetive's into positive's when ever possible. You are much stronger woman then I and I admire your life attitude.

God Bless.

wwfbison said...

Oh Lisa, I don't know what to say.  You should have never had to endure such horror while growing up.  Bless your heart.

geocachelinda66 said...

My dear, I am so sorry you had to go thru that as a child.  You didn't deserve it and you don't deserve what you are suffering now...  Love, Linda

nelishianatl said...

I've read you for a long time and it seems we had similar childhoods that later in life broke out into physical symptoms.  I know my God is bigger than all of this junk.  And I believe it is His will to heal us too.  I know.  I have been.  
Big hugs my friend,

abaleman666 said...

hey lisa

hope all is under control for you.  thanks for stopping by.  i think thats what makes us us, is that even in the darkest hour, we have faith in ourselves and in our god that somehow, someway we will get though, and then we will triumph.  i havent talked to my real mom since i was 22 as she decided to put me in a similar situation with her father.  i still feel like vomiting when i smell the scent of 'lectric shave or carefree mint gum or palmolive soap.  his hands always smelled of palmolive soap.  i understand about the telling.  it did me no good either even though i continued to draw pictures and make collages of little girls without hands or mouths.  no one cared to know the truth.  i tried to tell again when i went to court against my mom for neglect and it kept me from being placed with my grandparents for a while.  when i got sent back at 16 i was tattooed and mean and tough enough to fight back.  and after i turned 22 i never looked back.  so many bad memories need to stay in that house on gulley lane.

take care and keep fighting~


queeniemart said...

i am sorry you had that monster in your life and had to live thru those years of have a good attitude about it today and that surely helps!
XO lj

my78novata said...

its so sad thw way ou grew up

sweetestsin52605 said...

I am so proud of you for writting this mom. :-)
And yes, with your other entry, you should write a book.
Love ya
Your miracle baby! :-)

gehi6 said...

Oh, what a sad story, and to think that that one person broke and damaged your body like that when you were so young  You may have forgiven him in order to move on, but I feel that he still has to pay for what he did to you in some kind of judgment day.  If he did not have to pay here.  This story just made me shudder and now I am sure of why your body is breaking down so badly.  I did not get abused so badly or I would probably be like you, struggling with an aftermath, or dead.  I used to ask myself why I landed in such a difficult spot, and I felt it was because all those who were being abused, including many boys in that culture, needed someone articulate to speak out for them, no matter how long it took, so I have spent my life trying to find that way, just as you are doing, bearing witness, speaking out as a child who was a victim of severe abuse.  I am glad you found the strength to tell the story of why you had to have a hysterectomy at such a young age.  Your story reminds me of Sybill's who split into many personalities to stand the abuse she received as a child from her own biological mother.  And the fact that you have stayed as sane and together in your soul as you have is another miracle.   Gerry

nelishianatl said...

I'm just trying to catch up on  your journal and sorry I've been away.  This entry is heart wrending to read but you are brave to tell it.  Very strong you are.  Thank you.  Hugs, Nelishia

redpoppy007 said...

(((Sending hugs and love your way)))

specialadyfink said...

Explains the saddness in your eyes......................
so sorry you went through this................
little children fear telling adults,
afraid THEY  will get in trouble
for telling on an adult...........
my heart goes out to you...........

psychfun said...

Man do I wish we could still lawfully go after these evil people! You know they said my back is older than me too when I started my Vax-D treatments a month ago. They widen the space & then give you Calcium to take & other vitamins to help your skeleton & muscles. I like their wholistic approach & wish regular doctors would do this. To me they are doing harm if they do not do this! Just help other young ones from going through what you do & it will make all the difference.