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I haven't written for a few days. I would like to log this. Thats the reason for me writing what I am going to write here.
****Again, if you don't like what you're reading, then stop! I am not trying to offend anyone as well. This IS my life and what I go through.**** I do hope that this is clearly understood.

I haven't written because I get tired of writting about the same thing. And I can only realize what it's like to keep reading the samething over and over. But you know something, it's what I go through and it's my actuall life. I hate it! I truly do. A lot more then you will ever know. I do my best at keeping my spirits up and in a good mood and to see the good in certain things. Sometimes you just can't. I still push myself. But I haven't gotten anywhere lately with doing that. The mind over matter isn't working anymore either. Believe me, I keep doing these things to help myself. Yes, I'm a fighter. But for a while now, it hasn't been working for me. I don't know why. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of a gray area. I admit that I've been kind of depressed for a few months now. I honetly think it's because of so many things have happened to me in those months. Then it has really hit me very hard. But I am thankful that I know what I do. Just as you get tired of reading about all of my stupid health problems, I'm also tired of writing about them. Because I'm living it! I do my best to get out there what it's like to go through what I am going through, hoping to help others. Plus to log certain things as well. I haven't felt like this in years. Being depressed really sucks! After stepping back and looking back at a few things...thats when I noticed it and how I need to get it out there and to admit to this. If I don't, how will I be helped? I'm hoping that I still have the support from all of you here in J-Land. If you only truly knew what it means to me to get your comments and your advise. Because I do use all of your advise. Mine isn't working, so I have to try something else.
I'm also sorry that I can't get to all of your journals. I'm having a hard enough time with my own life outside of J-Land. But please know that not a day goes by that of course I think about you all! :o) My readers mean so much to me.
I'm in this funk that I just can't get out of. So many things have seemed to just rush into my mind and haven't left. I think it's hard to try and except that you have certain illnesses. The MS is the one that is taking it's toll on my body and also my mind. It's a mind f*ck! You never know when you wake up if you can still do the samethings that you could do the day before. Mostly the answer is ,"No, you can't" My body has failed me. But the weirdest thing is that I still feel in my mind and in my soul, the same as I did years ago before all was taken from me. That may sound werd, but it's true. It's so much (to me) a lot like being anorexic! I still am battleing that as well, but when I look at my self in the mirror, I see myself as I did when I wasn't this heavy. So, what I'm now seeing in the mirror is the real me now. So, I still count colories and don't eat. This for me, as I see it is going to be a life long problem I'll be going through, even though it's not food that has made me gain weight, the medicine has. But, it's still right there. When I look at myself in the mirror and can actually see all the things that are either hurting me, like a bad muslce lump or to notice what I've lost, certain abilities. That really sucks! I avoid mirrors at times, why would I want to see me (the outside of me) the way I am now? I don't.
My identity was taken from me when my stupid dentist did his number on me. To go in to the dentist to get 2 teeth pulled and end up walking out of there with no upper teeth! Plus, the ass didn't even make my teeth the right size! Thats why when I smile, you can hardly or even don't see my upper teeth! They are more then half the size of my real teeth! He won't fix them for me, so I have to wait until my insurance can help getting me new ones and I will not go back to him! Duh! I don't want anyone to think that I'm being superficial in any way. No. Thats NOT me at all. These are things that also effect me on the inside as well. Since my teeth aren't the right size, I can't eat properly anymore which makes me constipated.

So, I'm just writting about my life and what my life is like day in and day out. Just like having those stupid blood clots, I'm like, "Where in the hell did they come from!" If you only knew about all of the things similar to that, that I either wake up with or it just shows up! I've been told so many times in my life, that God won't give you more then you can handle! I'm thinking that I'm at my limit now! I've even tied a knot at the end of my rope! So far so good with that one. I'm just depressed. And all I end up writing is depressed things! I'm sorry about that. I hope all of you can hang in there with me. Yes, I will find a way to get help with the depression now. Geesh! It truly would be nice to have one day. One day of just nothing! I probably wouldn't know how to act. No, this isn't something new, I've been trying to fight it for awhile now. ggrr! If you've gotten this far in reading this...thank you!

I forgot something; if you would like a Christmas card, just email me you name and address. I still have a lot of them from last year, but not sure if you have moved or not. :o)

Thank you for standing by me through the so many things I write about.

 

Lisa

 

Tags: My life