Sunday, November 25, 2007


I haven't written for a few days. I would like to log this. Thats the reason for me writing what I am going to write here.
****Again, if you don't like what you're reading, then stop! I am not trying to offend anyone as well. This IS my life and what I go through.**** I do hope that this is clearly understood.

I haven't written because I get tired of writting about the same thing. And I can only realize what it's like to keep reading the samething over and over. But you know something, it's what I go through and it's my actuall life. I hate it! I truly do. A lot more then you will ever know. I do my best at keeping my spirits up and in a good mood and to see the good in certain things. Sometimes you just can't. I still push myself. But I haven't gotten anywhere lately with doing that. The mind over matter isn't working anymore either. Believe me, I keep doing these things to help myself. Yes, I'm a fighter. But for a while now, it hasn't been working for me. I don't know why. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of a gray area. I admit that I've been kind of depressed for a few months now. I honetly think it's because of so many things have happened to me in those months. Then it has really hit me very hard. But I am thankful that I know what I do. Just as you get tired of reading about all of my stupid health problems, I'm also tired of writing about them. Because I'm living it! I do my best to get out there what it's like to go through what I am going through, hoping to help others. Plus to log certain things as well. I haven't felt like this in years. Being depressed really sucks! After stepping back and looking back at a few things...thats when I noticed it and how I need to get it out there and to admit to this. If I don't, how will I be helped? I'm hoping that I still have the support from all of you here in J-Land. If you only truly knew what it means to me to get your comments and your advise. Because I do use all of your advise. Mine isn't working, so I have to try something else.
I'm also sorry that I can't get to all of your journals. I'm having a hard enough time with my own life outside of J-Land. But please know that not a day goes by that of course I think about you all! :o) My readers mean so much to me.
I'm in this funk that I just can't get out of. So many things have seemed to just rush into my mind and haven't left. I think it's hard to try and except that you have certain illnesses. The MS is the one that is taking it's toll on my body and also my mind. It's a mind f*ck! You never know when you wake up if you can still do the samethings that you could do the day before. Mostly the answer is ,"No, you can't" My body has failed me. But the weirdest thing is that I still feel in my mind and in my soul, the same as I did years ago before all was taken from me. That may sound werd, but it's true. It's so much (to me) a lot like being anorexic! I still am battleing that as well, but when I look at my self in the mirror, I see myself as I did when I wasn't this heavy. So, what I'm now seeing in the mirror is the real me now. So, I still count colories and don't eat. This for me, as I see it is going to be a life long problem I'll be going through, even though it's not food that has made me gain weight, the medicine has. But, it's still right there. When I look at myself in the mirror and can actually see all the things that are either hurting me, like a bad muslce lump or to notice what I've lost, certain abilities. That really sucks! I avoid mirrors at times, why would I want to see me (the outside of me) the way I am now? I don't.
My identity was taken from me when my stupid dentist did his number on me. To go in to the dentist to get 2 teeth pulled and end up walking out of there with no upper teeth! Plus, the ass didn't even make my teeth the right size! Thats why when I smile, you can hardly or even don't see my upper teeth! They are more then half the size of my real teeth! He won't fix them for me, so I have to wait until my insurance can help getting me new ones and I will not go back to him! Duh! I don't want anyone to think that I'm being superficial in any way. No. Thats NOT me at all. These are things that also effect me on the inside as well. Since my teeth aren't the right size, I can't eat properly anymore which makes me constipated.

So, I'm just writting about my life and what my life is like day in and day out. Just like having those stupid blood clots, I'm like, "Where in the hell did they come from!" If you only knew about all of the things similar to that, that I either wake up with or it just shows up! I've been told so many times in my life, that God won't give you more then you can handle! I'm thinking that I'm at my limit now! I've even tied a knot at the end of my rope! So far so good with that one. I'm just depressed. And all I end up writing is depressed things! I'm sorry about that. I hope all of you can hang in there with me. Yes, I will find a way to get help with the depression now. Geesh! It truly would be nice to have one day. One day of just nothing! I probably wouldn't know how to act. No, this isn't something new, I've been trying to fight it for awhile now. ggrr! If you've gotten this far in reading this...thank you!

I forgot something; if you would like a Christmas card, just email me you name and address. I still have a lot of them from last year, but not sure if you have moved or not. :o)

Thank you for standing by me through the so many things I write about.






sugarsweet056 said...

You know you have my support & prayers.
I'm here if you need me, just a mouse click away.
Love ya girly,

pharmolo said...

We're here for you, Lisa, and it's at times like this that you come to know your real friends.

malagutigrrl said...

I noticed you don't have your disclaimer at the top.  Fuckin' A, girl!  You don't need to make excuse for anyone!  I know how you feel.  And you explained it perfectly when you said you can still feel your mind and soul the same as you always have.  They're just inside a broken body. And while my body isn't as broken as yours yet, I sometimes want to break out of it and look for a new one.  
Of course, my brain (mind) is giving me a lot of trouble and that sucks more but MOST of the time I have at least a pretty good handle on things.
You hang in there and do your best.  Write about whatever you want.  One thing I did do is start a private journal (NO READERS, JUST ME) just for me to write about the really crazy bad stuff.  I still report on my regular journal when things are screwy but the private journal gives me room to sort of forget about all that for awhile.  For you, this might not be possible.  Your ailments have accelerated to the point where they ARE you at the moment.  I still think things will change a lot when you aren't living there anymore.  I hope you're still working on that.  
No problem in not visiting my journal.  I'm doing a Kennedy assasination time capsule.  It's depressing anyway.  LOL  
Love You, MJ

cuteallison1980 said...

This whole entry broke my heart Lisa.  I have tears in my eyes right now.  I wouldn't wish all the things you have on my worst enemy.  You deserve so muh better and I wish I could offer you an instant fix to make you feel whole again.  The only thing I can offer you is my friendship, understanding, and love.  I am here for you.  I hope you are having a decent day.  Luv ya!


ma24179 said...

Hey, it's your journal.. write what you want :) You still have my support.

imgr8phil said...

I hope you know that I'm always here for you like so many others.  Be who you are and the people that care about you will be here when you need us.  Take care.


lisa41076 said...

Lisa, you will always have my support , please know I am always here for you, I would love to exchange cards with you, you still have my address right ? I have yours, Love You Lisa XO

nightmaremom said...

sweetie you  have so much support... we are here for you and will be... ya know all of us would change things if we could... know that!  

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((LISA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))I just hate to see you go through all this,I wish I could take the pain away from you.Just know,you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

lanurseprn said...

We all have bad times Lisa. I'm having one right now. We stick by each other through the good and the bad.

zoepaul6968 said...

We dont tire of hearing about your life hun,as you dont tire of reading what we write about,as for being depressed,well im not surprised really,not just because of illness,but you can hardly get out for a walk to ease your mind can you? I would have to find something to distract me,if writing isnt doing it for you,try music,i know it sounds silly,but to each song,imagine an action to it,like walking on the sand or running in the woods,i have to do that on my dark days,it also shuts out the noise of everyday life,escapisim,it works !!

my78novata said...

you know people that have face surgery for the better even have a hard time adjusting to tiher new face. I have had to adjust to seeing new nice teeth evne iwth all the good its hard.
sometimes you get adittcted to pain. NOT YOUR fault but........ YOur body just gets use to being in a pain nad acnt stop. Im so sorry for you

queeniemart said...

you are in my prayers. One day or one hour at a time, remember that.

ajquinn354 said...

Lisa all of are here for you.....know what you are going through daily takes a real toll on you, especially stress wise.  I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this and wish I could be there to give you a hug, dear.  Depression is tough, my brother has it, being on medication for this has really helped him to deal with what goes on day to day, so please check into this, could make a big difference and be of help to you.  Keep fighting.  Bless you....Arlene (AJ)

geocachelinda66 said...

Sometimes life really sucks doesn't it?  It doesn't seem fair or right.  You just have to keep on going though.  I'm thinking about you and praying... Linda

dca721 said...

Please don't apologize in your journal!
It's yours write what you want!
If anyone gets pissed they aren't your friend...fuck em.
I am sorry you are down.
I think you are a strong STRONG woman!
I am on paxil.
It helps me some.
I get feeling real weird sometimes.
MY RA does a number on my head, I can only imagine what you go through.
I love you,

wwfbison said...

You don't have to apologize to anyone for anything - it is your journal and your life...write about what you want.  People have a choice, visit or not.  You are the one who has to live this....we just read about it and wish we could do more for you.
Stay strong and I truly hope you start to feel better soon - you shouldn't have to deal with all of this everyday of your life.

jckfrstross said...

its your journal and you can write whatever you want! hope you feel better soon:) tell the nurse how you are feeling maybe they can help you


mztishgray0726 said...


mcknansmom said...

you do NOT have to apoligize for not getting to us. we understand.  Or I know that I do!  
I read your journal for insight in what my mother is going through. So please, never feel you have to write to please anyone but yourself.

astoriasand said...

I try to understand everything you write always Lisa and I will always support you.It must be awful for you every day to have something to cope with.I think you are a very very brave person.You continue with whatever you need to write.Don't worry too much about visiting others.Those you get to you get to those you don't understand ok!! I pray you have a better week ahead.Prayers being said thousandfold.Take Care God Bless kath

maryajacobs5 said...


jmoqueen said...

Awww Lisa (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) at the end of the day in anyone's journal they can only write about what is happening to them at that time and so you write about it and if people don't like it they can go elsewhere can't they?


emabecmar said...

i hope you can find some relief from all this pain soon. (((((((hugs))))))

gehi6 said...

I am reading your words and thinking that I have formed a bond to you that I think will last through this life into the next.  Whoever goes first look for me on the other side and I will look for you.  I do feel my sister LaRae and Richard Ireland are back and did not want me to quit my journal.  I read this book about him, and he kept saying people had to try to connect to people even if it hurt, even if they got ripped off, that that was the most important thing.  So that helped determine me to come back.  So you are more than your failing body, you are spirit that is not sick, but is strong and that is what shines through the illness and always will.  Look at how your little grandson loves you.  He feels comforted with you, and does not see your infirmaties.  He just reacts to your ability to love that does not fail.  And that is real strength, that you have the heart to tend him and show him all this love even if you are ill.  So hang in there as long as you can!  You are needed!  Gerry  

ceilisundancer said...

That is wrong of him to not fix your teeth if they are not the proper size.  It's important, medically, for them to fit properly.  Sorry he pulled them all without even so much as discussing that with you first.  And battling anorexia.  I hadn't gotten that impression from the bits of your journal I have read, so thanks for being willing to share that as well:)

It's got to totally suck to still be of sound mind and yet not sound body.  Frustrating to say the least.

I know you're down right now, in a funk.  I hate funks.  Just know that you're likely a LOT stronger than you realize:)

And, I agree with the other commenter that you are a lot more than your frail body, gosh, I believe we all have souls, and our bodies simply the vessel God has put us in.  May He be with you today.

heavenlybama said...

You write what you want Lisa.  I'm sorry you're in such a funk right now.  Have you thought about seeing a psych for your depression?  Maybe they can help also with getting you a different dr.  I wish I could help and take your pain away.  I'm in chronic pain everyday also but I'm sure it's nothing compared to yours.  I'm not going anywhere.  You have my friendship and support.
Love ya,