.....Just to let you know, nothing in this journal's entry is toward anyone in specific, I use it to write my feelings, and about my illnesess, and in hopes it might help someone else as I do.I do not pretend nor imatate to be someone I'm not. And if you might take an entry wrong and feel that it is about you, I'm sorry but It isn't, it just may seem to coincide with your own life. And if there is something in what I write that "offends" you, options; don't read, or realize that this IS real life, and learn more about it! I also know that what I write in MY journal, that NOT everyone will agree with me and I don't expect them to! God bless you!......
I've been sitting here fighting pain in my body, so I can write.
It's grabbing me without any remorse or any real reason. Yet I'm still sitting here fighting it. I don't know why. It's making me very sick to my stomache.
From what I've learned, this pain is fibromyalgia. I'll get muscle cramping that can make me go to the floor. It does nothing but 'take' from you.
When I was a baby, I was diagnosed with epilepsy having gran ma seizures. While growing up, I got used to the tests and the medicines and what it made me do. involuntary movements were hard to hide, and even to fight. Then, it became nothing to me because I just got used to living that way.
I also had to 'fight' off my stepdad. This time, I didn't have the problem or sickness, he did. He liked to come into my bedroom at night. I learned how to 'fight' him.
I was in and out of the hospital because I always had problems with stomache ulcers. I was too young to have them. I just learned how to 'cope' with them.
I did so much to be 'normal.' My normal. If it even existed. I didn't know. I know I faught for it. I've been 'fighting' all of my life. I guess for something that either is there or isn't. And I don't know if i'll ever really know. I just know I'm 'fighting' for it.
I don't know what it feels like to be 'normal.' Only my kind. And I still fight for it. This comes to me as nothing more than just living my life. What's it like to 'not' fight? I wouldn't know the answer to that one.
Fighting is an instinct to me because thats just the way I grew up. I know nothing more or even less. Since 1994, I've been going through tests to see if I had multiple sclerosis. Thats how everything else was found thats 'wrong' with my body. I'm grateful to a few doctors that has helped in finding these. Then last March it was found. And I'm still fighting the pains from it. Very different than the fibromyalgia.
At first, it's not very easy to tell whats what, and whys.
I've been living this way for years and writing about what I do go through. And I do it the best that I can. Because I want badly to help others so they don't feel alone. I know I did. It didn't take me as long as it did with being diagnosed with fibromyalgia as it's taking with being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. This one is harder to fight. I try very hard every day to fight it. Maybe I should and maybe I shouldn't. But what I know is to fight. And fighting it is hard. Because I found that I can't do it. Not because I'm weak, but because my body already knows that the multiple sclerosis has won over that part of me. The vessle that my soul lives in. I'm not saying that I'm going to just lay down amd not fight, I'm saying that it takes longer for me.
The other things that I also have and fight everyday are irrelivent to this. They do hurt me and gives me much pain as well, but not at all or even close to what the multiple sclerosis and fibromyalgia does. Not close at all. I have my own 'pain chart' now. When I'm asked what would I say that my pain is today, I tell them, "On my pain chart,it's ___." The 'normal' pain chart got thrown out the window years ago.
This morning I woke up and my body doesn't feel so good. It's stiff and hard to walk. Now, my soul is doing great. No problems there. Thats also a fight, my body and my soul. I never know from day to day, which one is going to win. My body and my soul are not on the same page. It's pretty rare if they ever are.
I don't mean to do nothing but to write 'negative' things all the time. To me, it's not. To me, I'm only writing about my days, my life as the way it is. And to me, it's no different then if someone writes about 'horses' everyday. And I'm really not sure when I write, if I am being negative or not, to all of you who read this.
This is my life fighting. To me, it's just that simple.
And now, that brings me to this; I've lost readers because of my 'fight' in my life. And why? It just shows me that the people that said they'd "be here" for me isn't. And thats alright. Who wants to read about someone that has illnesess?
My point to this is, I've fought almost all of my life to just live. Instead of existing.
How I see this right now is that I'm going to be fighting this for awhile. Yes, when you get bad news from your doctor, it's not easy to swollow at times. And no one can say that it is. It may take awhile, but I bounce back. I need to 'give me' some time to grieve. I think everyone should do that.
I'm still going through this "funk" for over a year now knowing that I do have MS. I think it's normal and human nature to do so.
In the end...the body and the soul are always going to fight.
I do wish that everyone has a great 'hump' day!
Thank you Connie for the beautiful tag! :o)