Saturday, March 1, 2008

Asking for forgiveness.

If this entry seems to go all over the place it's because I have so much I would like to say. Just please bare with me.

Yesterday, I got a rude awakening. When I was reading the things that I have done/said to this person, I never realized all that I had done with my words. It hurt me that I had very much hurt them. Something that will probably never be the same ever again. I cry over this.
This is no excuse; but when I was diagnoses with the progressive multiple sclerosis I 'thought' that I was able to handle the news. Around the end of summer, I had this melt down happen to me. Yes, I was glad to finally find out what I did have, but, no one gave me a 'handbook' about it. I really thought I could take it on and be fine. Not so. Yes, I did change. I was doing my best grieving my losses from it.
Around that time of my breakdown, something personal happened here in my house. I was helpless...I wasn't able to help them! Yet, I was still thinking of 'me.' Not a very nice thing to do. Some one helped them for me. I should have been grateful for that but, I reacted in the wrong way, and I don't know why. So, I hurt that person by the nasty things I said. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was jealous, I don't know.
I have also wrote not nice things in this journal. I'm so sorry. Everything felt like it was falling down around me. I had anxious feelings. So I reacted in such an embarresing way. I blamed someone for things. No matter what, all I wanted to do was to just go away. I wasn't coping well at all. I wrote not nice things here as well. I'm not proud of that. I have no other ways of 'expressing' myself anymore except for words. But that still is no excuse.
In this entry, I just want to say to all of you how sorry I am for reacting in a way that I did. I am getting better with coping with the new news of all of my illnesess. I do talk to someone that comes to my home. I've come to realize just how wrong I was and words "do" hurt.
It is never my intension to ever hurt anyone on purpose, even my 'very close' friends, on here and not on here. I've said this before; if I'm wrong, then I'll be the first to reconize it and hopefully make ammends.
Believe me, I put so much of my life straight out in here. Please, if I have said anything wrong and have hurt you, please do not hesitate to let me know. All I want to do is get some information about my life with my illnesess out there.
I hope that you've excepted my apoligies.




hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((LISA)))))))))))))))You did nothing worng,you hve nothing to be sorry for.I will always love you.I probllay havent been much of a friend in sending things like I used to,cause I am going through things as well.But just know,I am always here for you.

pharmolo said...

If anyone really was offended or hurt by you, Lisa, I would imagine that (like I said the other day) if they are real friends, they'll understand and not let it be an issue. If they cannot show any compassion - well, they're not really your friends, are they?

chat2missie said...


ndnhunny30 said...

You have never said one thing that offended me in "your" journal sweetie! There is no need to apologize for any behaviors of yours when you found out new diagnoses, how you reacted to the news or didn't react is neither right nor wrong. It is how you were able to deal and cope with more life changing news. It was you trying to figure out your life, and what each new diagnose might change in your life. I will never ever say to you how you should feel, I cannot ever even say to you that I truly understand, but what I can do is be here for you to listen everytime you have a good or bad day!
Love you & hugs, Robyn

motoxmom72 said...

Lisa, sometimes when people hurt from illnesses or disease they will lash out at friends and family.  It happens.  I don't recall you ever saying anything nasty to me.  I truly don't believe you "meant" to towards those you love.  But you've apologized. That's enough.  Don't beat yourself up over it.

jmoqueen said...

i am a strong believer that when things get tough we take it out on those closest to us and whomever it is that you feel you have hurt must take that into consideration.  Don't worry about us lot Lisa ~ we'll still keep reading xx


jckfrstross said...

have a good week:)


sweetestsin52605 said...

I know you probably feel bad, but think of how she is also treating you. Does she even care??? Doesn't look like it. I love you mom and hope everything turns out to be good for ya.

daddyleer said...

Lisa, a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis forces anyone to 'confront' changes in themselves. For that to spill over into interactions with others is not unusual.

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick