Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I need to talk!


I'm still not feeling well. I was up until 3:00 this morning. This is pulling so much more energy from me then I need, because it makes it harder for me to even walk.
I really need to get some things off my chest. I need to talk.
Last week I went through so much more then anyone knows! Not even my kids, anyone here, or my friends. I keep that part of my life seperate. Because I still feel that I "have" to! If I could make it better, I would, but I can't. I belong to an AA group on line! If a certain person ever knew this, I would be in alot of trouble!
I grew up with an alcoholic, my stepdad. He abused me, sexually, verbally, physically and mentally! I guess you can just say, All of the above! As an adult, that seems to be a pattern for me. I thought I had a friend, but again, she would come and drink at our house to hide it from her husband, and thats all it was...not a friend, a user! She never gave the friendship a chance without the drinking!
My husband is an alcoholic. I'm shaking right now. Last week was pure hell for me! Litterally! I was "told" to do things so that "I" didn't hurt ($)'s feelings! So, I did them! If you've noticed some entry's gone, thats why! I thought I could handle this. I "thought" I could when I wasn't so weak, and years back. I could just take the kids out to the park or someplace and forget about it. Now, I'm stuck and can't go anywhere. And thats used against me.
I have a problem with my throat. I've written about that before. I still have the problem and it has gotten worse. It has now effected my voice. My doctor told me it can go along with having ms. I have to wactch how I speak! If my voice happens to jump low or higher, then I'm thought to be mad, and then I'm getting a "talking" to. I've told him I can't help it and I looked it up to prove it to him. Doesn't matter! Why? I don't know. Yes, I did write about that I had a good talk with my son and my husband about my diagnosis. Which I did. After that, I don't know what happened. Again, I was told to delete and write certain things, and I did what I was told to do, because you do these things when the person is standing behind you, and when you've grown up with the same thing. It takes your mind right back!!! I was also told that I wasn't allowed to write in this journal. Thats why I didn't. Until I was given the permission to. But, I still have to watch what I write and to not put ($) in here! But I can my son? I haven't had time to even cope with/deal with or anything about what was told to me on March 9th! :o( I'm numb! After the last time of certain tests that came back negative, I took having ms out of my mind. When my doctor told me that I "did" have it...I don't know how I felt! I went numb inside! So many things were going through my mind! While he was telling me what I need to do, and what he was going to do, and my prognosis was! Hearing that was horrid news! :o( It was putting puzzle pieces together that day! I came home knowing what kind of responce I'd get and from who. I was right!
This whole entry may be all over the place for you to read....but this is hoe it is in my head! Sorry.
I'm sitting here alone. No, my daughter and my grandson isn't coming home, and I don't know when. :o( My son isn't here, he's helping his girlfriend out with her car. I don't have adult converstions. I told my husband that, and that I get more support on here then I do here in my own home! No, I don't have any family that I can go live with. They have all died. :o( As soon as I can get the papers from my doctor with everything on them, then I can look into assisted living. It's that, or this. I can only hold so much inside for so long!
I pray everyday. I pray for all of my friends and my family. I pray for strength. I have to keep my strength, or I'll never make it! God has a place in my heart, and my faith is strong. And I know deep inside of my soul, thats whats keeping me sane through all of this! Because God knows I can't just get up and go to the park anymore to get away! And my only deffense is my words! Thats all I have. Everyday, I sit in my bed, and it is just like it was when I was a little girl...I could tell what kind of night it's going to be for me by how many beers he brings in with him from the car!
Please keep me in your prayers! I'm still numb inside. As soon as it gets warm and sunny out, then I know it will get better for me. Gods blessings to you all!


15 comments:

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwwww Lisa, always keeping you in my prayers, Hugs Lisa

my78novata said...

So sorry for you so sad. I wish I could do something. I t ihnk assited living maybe the best for you. your mental state has alot to do with how you heal nad how youfeel. you need to not have all tihsstress around you. its not good for you.

lemonstwst said...

Lisa, learn what it means to enable you should have that lesson first in your AA class, talking is as well listening, asking for help only works when your willing to except ..that means just because you don't like the answer you still hear the possibilities within it.... everyone has a pitty pot, alcholic's are always overflowing which is why they feel they deserve to drink its owd them, and those that enable except that as a truth, Stop the pattern and know that TODAY is the FIRST day of the REST of YOUR Life! Good Luck To You

hugsdoodlewacky said...

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jenifrierson said...

Hi lisa. Im Jeni.  I am very moved by your last entry.  I can somewhat relate to how you feel.  I had an alcoholic husband that was not supportive of ANYTHING.  I may as well have not been married at all. I left him years ago, but I can't get a divorce.  But your right. So many peoples answer to your problem would be "just leave".  but so many times you "just can't".  I love your attitude about the situation and I would like for you  to visit my journal.  Its just started, so its a little rough around the edges.  But please i would really value your input. thanks

  journals.aol.com/jenifrierson/coffeebook  

kamdghwmw said...

The Lord has answered your prayers. You are one of the strongest women I know!
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom

ajquinn354 said...

Lisa, you are in my thoughts and prayers.   I hope things work out and you can get into the Asst. Care Home; you need the caring and love of people who are there for you and won't cause you pain or stress.....so sorry you have been subjected to all of this along with your health situations.....Bless you...Arlene (AJ)

ceilisundancer said...

ACOA / adult child of an alcoholic, but now your husband, too.   I'm so sorry, Lisa.   It's a horrible disease in and of itself, which as you are way too well aware, also effects everyone in the family.   Be at peace with yourself, and stay strong.   You can make it:)   Sorry to hear of your voice.  I read that sympton :(  -- Robin

jillsislam1 said...

I am praying for you.  I know that things will get better.  :)

pharmolo said...

You continue to be in my thoughts, Lisa. You've got my admiration for carrying on :-)

am4039 said...

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gehi6 said...

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toonguykc said...

I guess you can say I have a LOT in common with you.  Alcoholism runs very deep in my family and yet I grew up in a house with not a drop of liquor in it.  I have a drinking problem and I've managed to still get by somehow.  I'm sorry for your pain and frustration.  Just know that there are others out there struggling too...and hoping for the best.  If that even makes sense.

Russ

queeniemart said...

i know WELL what it is like to live with an alcoholic. You make sure you have a way to type with or talk with someone who understands, like that AA group. I am so sorry you are dealing with this at the same time you have your diagnosis.
LOVE, lj

emabecmar said...

Always have you in prayers. I hope things get better. ((((hugs)))))))
Cindy