Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I need to talk!
I'm still not feeling well. I was up until 3:00 this morning. This is pulling so much more energy from me then I need, because it makes it harder for me to even walk.
I really need to get some things off my chest. I need to talk.
Last week I went through so much more then anyone knows! Not even my kids, anyone here, or my friends. I keep that part of my life seperate. Because I still feel that I "have" to! If I could make it better, I would, but I can't. I belong to an AA group on line! If a certain person ever knew this, I would be in alot of trouble!
I grew up with an alcoholic, my stepdad. He abused me, sexually, verbally, physically and mentally! I guess you can just say, All of the above! As an adult, that seems to be a pattern for me. I thought I had a friend, but again, she would come and drink at our house to hide it from her husband, and thats all it was...not a friend, a user! She never gave the friendship a chance without the drinking!
My husband is an alcoholic. I'm shaking right now. Last week was pure hell for me! Litterally! I was "told" to do things so that "I" didn't hurt ($)'s feelings! So, I did them! If you've noticed some entry's gone, thats why! I thought I could handle this. I "thought" I could when I wasn't so weak, and years back. I could just take the kids out to the park or someplace and forget about it. Now, I'm stuck and can't go anywhere. And thats used against me.
I have a problem with my throat. I've written about that before. I still have the problem and it has gotten worse. It has now effected my voice. My doctor told me it can go along with having ms. I have to wactch how I speak! If my voice happens to jump low or higher, then I'm thought to be mad, and then I'm getting a "talking" to. I've told him I can't help it and I looked it up to prove it to him. Doesn't matter! Why? I don't know. Yes, I did write about that I had a good talk with my son and my husband about my diagnosis. Which I did. After that, I don't know what happened. Again, I was told to delete and write certain things, and I did what I was told to do, because you do these things when the person is standing behind you, and when you've grown up with the same thing. It takes your mind right back!!! I was also told that I wasn't allowed to write in this journal. Thats why I didn't. Until I was given the permission to. But, I still have to watch what I write and to not put ($) in here! But I can my son? I haven't had time to even cope with/deal with or anything about what was told to me on March 9th! :o( I'm numb! After the last time of certain tests that came back negative, I took having ms out of my mind. When my doctor told me that I "did" have it...I don't know how I felt! I went numb inside! So many things were going through my mind! While he was telling me what I need to do, and what he was going to do, and my prognosis was! Hearing that was horrid news! :o( It was putting puzzle pieces together that day! I came home knowing what kind of responce I'd get and from who. I was right!
This whole entry may be all over the place for you to read....but this is hoe it is in my head! Sorry.
I'm sitting here alone. No, my daughter and my grandson isn't coming home, and I don't know when. :o( My son isn't here, he's helping his girlfriend out with her car. I don't have adult converstions. I told my husband that, and that I get more support on here then I do here in my own home! No, I don't have any family that I can go live with. They have all died. :o( As soon as I can get the papers from my doctor with everything on them, then I can look into assisted living. It's that, or this. I can only hold so much inside for so long!
I pray everyday. I pray for all of my friends and my family. I pray for strength. I have to keep my strength, or I'll never make it! God has a place in my heart, and my faith is strong. And I know deep inside of my soul, thats whats keeping me sane through all of this! Because God knows I can't just get up and go to the park anymore to get away! And my only deffense is my words! Thats all I have. Everyday, I sit in my bed, and it is just like it was when I was a little girl...I could tell what kind of night it's going to be for me by how many beers he brings in with him from the car!
Please keep me in your prayers! I'm still numb inside. As soon as it gets warm and sunny out, then I know it will get better for me. Gods blessings to you all!