Thursday, March 17, 2005

Too much to handle....

I woke up early once again, and went to bed late...seems like this is becoming something of a horrible habbit that my body has gotten itself into. I woke up at 3:00 this morning with weird dreams waking me up. I think I've figured out why I've been in such pain for so long. It's not the things that I've been physically doing. I haven't done anything. It's all the things that I have on my mind...which is a sh*t load! To say the least. It has been things that I can't talk about to the right people. Because I'm afraid that I will upset them. I did something last night that makes me feel like sh*t. I was suppose to go to court for my mom today, but I called and let her know that I just couldn't do it. Thats not because I don't love her and that my heart isn't with her. Believe me, I feel the guilt as well. Since I get the "fibro fog," I know I would choose a wrong word to say, and could possible mess things up. I couldn't do that either. Because this past week, I've been not able to concentrate at all. The pain has been too massive. My prayers are still with her. I really wish that I could talk about the other stresser in my life. If I do, I feel it would cost me tremendously. So...I hold it in. It goes to show that even physchological things can make the body go into an exacerbation! How much more can I take? I guess we'll see. I want so badly to be able to talk with my daughter about certain things, but I know she will take them all wrong. So I keep quite. She's pregnant, and thats the last thing that I want to ever do is to make her upset. Which when I do try to talk to her, she does get upset, and takes things all wrong...one reason is because I can't find the right words to say because I feel I need to pick and choose the right words to try not to upset her. Thats a viscious circle. Then, there are more I need to talk about to someone else. I don't see that one happening very soon either. You have to walk on "eggshells" around this person, or they will think you have it in for them. Which isn't the case. I realize that I'm rambling, but I need to get this out, and off of my chest. I'm a nice person. I try to help people. But, someone throw me a rope here....it would be nice if I could resolve these issuses! I know I'd feel better. But, if I do say anything, "I'm a bitch," and"In a bad mood!" All I want is to just feel better again, and not be in so much pain...is that too much to ask for?

1 comment:

drgnfly3451 said...

It is really hard to have stuff to talk to a person about. Especially if that person is not really willing to listen or thinks that there is nothing that needs to be talked about....

The things that run through our minds that are bothering us are definitely causing us the pain....you need to try to get them out of there and get some relaxation for yourself....

I am sure that your mother understands that you could not be there for her....

The "other stressor" needs to be spoken about for it to be lessened....not talking about something just seems to make it worse the longer we wait....I have found that out myself...

Let me know if I can help in any way....I am a good listener.....gentle hugs, Sheri