Friday, February 23, 2007

~Still misunderstood~


Good Morning once again.
Honestly....I must be writing either in a different language, or in a way that is not being understood. I didn't realize that the way I wrote has changed so drastically!
No! The last entry doesn't at all have anything to do with "having someone" that understands me, or to "mesh" with. I posted it because I liked the way she wrote the email. She actually put it very bluntly how I've been trying to get things across in my writings! Thats it! It gets so frustrating at times to try my hardest to get out what I'm going through in my life, and it just so happens that she wrote it out in a way that made it more understandable! If that makes sense?

So, if you don't understand what I've writen, thats ok. You can email me if you want to. I've even tried to open peoples eyes with the little pictures. It's how I feel. Thats just a way of showing, instead of telling.
Moving on.....
Yesterday wasn't of course, a good day. I cried most of it! I could barely walk. I keep praying. I have in my mind, that the reason I have this is becuase that maybe a child now doesn't have it, so it was given to me instead. And I hope I'm right. I couldn't and wouldn't bare to see or know a child going through this wicked pain! :o(

That helps me to get through an hour or two. It's down to baby steps! Not days anymore. If I can make it past a few hours....then I've accomplished something! :o) I will push and push until I make it to another day! I will not stop! My faith gives me my strength! I feel like I'm trying to climb out of the bottom of a darkened well. I will get out.

I'm very weak today. I have the shakes really bad, and its making it very hard for me to even type. It makes me weak to walk. I have to to keep my legs working...I'm not going to let them go! I know you probably do not understand, but What would you do? Would you lay down and just die? Well, I'm not going to! Yes, there are days I'd like to, but I'm not going to! I'm having alot of muscles spams as well. Now they're all over my body this morning. My back, arms legs everywhere.

Since the room that I used to have as a bedroom is now not being used. I ask if I could put my bed and tv in there. Well....Good Lord....if was if I asked if I could have a whol new room added this weekend! :o( So I told him that It doesn't have to be this weekend, or next weekend or even next month! Then he calmed down! I couldn't believe it! :o( Then I told him that he was mistreating me and that my physical therapist is ready to turn him in, if he doesn't clean around my bed for me....I've did the best I could already! He just looked at me! She mentioned it to me again yesterday! Then he said that you know that show we used to watch, if you haven't used it in a year, then throw it away? I said, "Look around!!!" He did, and apoligized. Because I've thrown away almost everything I had! Because he made me! So, While we were talking, my daughter came home and he turned around and started talking to her and our grandson, and that was the end of our conversation! I cried again! It made me feel so low! Once again, he can always make me feel like I don't matter! And it's really obvious because if I did matter, my bed and tv would be in that room...how hard would that be? I could do it if I wasn't ill! Now do you see why I do not like to ask? This is why. I exist and thats all. And then when I try to explain in my journal how I'm feeling and what fibromyalgia is like living with, and it's hard to get across, and hardly anyone gets it....really makes me feel so special in this world! So I say to everyone.....Thank you so very much! :o(
I don't know how long I'll be gone,/done writing in this thing because it really seems to be a waste of my time anymore!

I have this ex eighorb that does nothing but preaches to everyone.....and thinks I do nothing but write about her in here! gggrrr! I'm sick of that crap too! Having to watch what I say...no more! Needs to practice what she preaches, because she comes and reads my journal and goes back to hers and writes about me! Calling me a patholoical lyer! yeah right!


I'm just so tired of all of the bs going around! And I'm just done with it all! I've tried my best to help others with this journal, and all I get is people sating that their glad to see that I have someone that I can mesh with? That doesn't even make any sense! Had nothing to do with what I even wrote! That goes to show ya' that no one really reads this journal!  :o( So...why have one then!?
I'm just done....and I'm going to do my things my way with my illnesses! I'm a fighter and I will win!




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12 comments:

motoxmom72 said...

I read your journal every day.  I might not comment every day, but I am HERE EVERY DAY.  I would miss you if you jumped off the J-Land Journal Map.  Don't go away because of morons making you feel worthless.  People who do that to you have WAY MORE PROBLEMS than you do my friend.  You have physical ailments that hurt you physically, mentally and emotionally every day.  Those who do not walk in your shoes have no idea what you go through and you paint us a picture with your entries.  Please don't go away!  I have to run to the Dr's to get my stitches out of my hand, otherwise I'd call you to talk for a LONG TIME.  I'll try to call you later this evening if that's OK? Let me know!
Hugs,
Gina

hugsdoodlewacky said...

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zoepaul6968 said...

ok hun firstly you dont give up because you are special,secondly there will always be ignorant people,sod em ok? If i can understand what you say anyone can its just nit picking honestly,to get a reaction out of you,you are in very real pain and need support what the hell is going on in your house? If you want your telly in your room then ILL come over and put it in,how nasty that is not to help you be more comfortable,you helped me to understand my friends illness and I wont have anyone upsetting you,Im here hun love zoe xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/zoepaul6968/DomesticAbuse/

my78novata said...

you just cant make others happy and dont worry about them. Block her screen name so she cant and if she finds antoher way then go private like I did. you know its very hard to try to get others to understand how you feel and I just say what I have to and let it go did that alot the last few weeks and it works. real friends are there even ifthey dont understand fully and the others you dont need. I wish your family helped you more. Heck If I was there Id move the bed myself. you need a more queit comforting place to sleep so you can rest better.

chat2missie said...

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sugarsweet056 said...

Don't worry about what someone else thinks! Block her!!!!! And that's that!  :)
Hope you have a good weekend. {{{ }}}
Sug

kamdghwmw said...

I just love the graphics that you used today. I know it is so hard for you. Just hold on because I know that some good days arew coming! I do hope that you have a great friday.
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom

pharmolo said...

Can only agree with previous commenter, ignore and block the negative ones.
Don't stop writing in your journal, Lisa. Even if YOU may think it's repetitive, it's not to us. And it's a very useful way of venting your frustration and anger. I'm sorry to note your husband has relapsed in the bad ways of recent months.
Lisa, we're all here for you - don't go anywhere :-)

lanurseprn said...

Sorry to see you leave. I hope you feel better and have a good weekend.
Pam

sweetestsin52605 said...

Hmmm seems like everyone is "ignoring" the important info on here mom. And I don't know how someone thought you are leaving..lol. I think they need to read all of it and comment on the important things. Love ya

inafrnz247 said...

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therealslimemmy said...

i agree this is your journal write what you want!
feel better
<3,em