Monday, September 4, 2006

****Feelings*****


I love this graphic and the title of it. "Trapped." I chose this this morning because there are days that I feel what you see in the graphic. I'm the lady in a shell of my body. At one time, the room was being used, and to look at it now; it still is because the lady is in the room but it's not being used the way it was. If that makes any sense? It does to me. My body was once used as an active, painfree open, bright and breezy room. But not anymore. I have an empty shell now in which I have to live in. Please, do not think because I'm writing this, that I do not have my strength in my faith, I do. I do have the Lord's light residing in me. :o) Just writing down feelings. I'm still in mourning over my losses. I have had a few more losses just in this last month. My hands are going faster then I had expected. My back is getting much worse. There are more, but choose not to write about. It also gets so tiring to hear, "But you look good!" On the outside, but no one but me really knows what I'm truly going through on the inside. I have what I have for a reason. God gave these to me for a reason. I accept them all. I will do my best to get what I'm going through, across to others as best as I can. :o) I feel that maybe thats why I have all of what I have. God gives gifts, and I accept them all. But, it doesn't mean that I'm not "human." Because I still feel, I have emotions, and I have to learn from this gift. And I will.
I am in a lot of pain this morning in my hips and back. I'm getting used to all of the muscle cramping. Unless they are in a different area. Again, yesterday I was shaky. I'm trying to learn what illness is this from. I had a seizure on Friday, I've had that disorder all my life; I have myoclonic seizures. When I was a baby and diagnosed, I had grand mal...which aren't very fun to go through. Yes, I know that I put people in harms way on Friday while driving home. God was with me the whole time, guiding me. :o) The progressive ms is very new to me. I'm still learning as I go through everyday. I'm getting the fibromyalgia down, my blood pressure has been doing good and my heart is still in a bit of a crisis with possible stroke and heart attack. My liver is still the same, I have what is called; non-alcoholic liver. There are so many other things that I go through day in and day out that no one even knows about. I still haven't listed all of my illnesses. Just too many, and don't really feel up to it. When I say that "Your comments get me through my days." I'm very serious. Because they do, and I don't feel so alone. I'm tired of being sick...I don't like it one bit. I have no choice in the matter. And when I do get a cold/flu, it takes my body forever to fight it off. With the fibromyalgia, I have to have sleep and very low stress. Since I have 3 sleeping disorders, it makes it hard for me to get enough sleep which adds stress. Then it's a cycle. My immune system is already low, and no sleep and stress makes it lower plus more pain.
I'm not depressed at all. I'm a very happy person. Today, I thought I'd just write about how I truly feel. :o) Maybe it will help someone that reads this. That is my mission for having this journal. If I can help just one person, that would be great! :o) Thank you all for your comments. Again...my alerts aren't working. lol :o) God bless all of you! :o)
ty Jenny for the tag. :o)

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my God Lisa, my heart breaks for you. You are such a lovely person. You give so much of yourself. You are a blessing to those around you, and to those whose lives you touch. This entry was very touching, and it has made me cry. I wish there was something I could do for you. I wish I could go to you and help to alleviate your pain somehow. Please hold on to your faith. I hope you are able to get the rest that you need. {{{HUGS}}}
Mandy ~  http://journals.aol.com/mmartinez07/UnhappilyEverAfter/

Anonymous said...

What a very touching entry Lisa. You share so much with everyone - I guess that is a good thing, it can't change things physically but its great to be able to write down everything that you need to get out.  If I had a magic wand I'd wave it over you and make you all better.  I do hope and pray you get better days. Millie :-)

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
I'm not sure if you've seen any of these pages yet, but I thought you might want to check them out:

http://www.annieshomepage.com/comfort.html
http://www.annieshomepage.com/chronic.html
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art25057.asp
http://insignificantmuse.blogspot.com/2006/04/but-you-dont-look-sick.html

Hugs, Mandy ~ http://journals.aol.com/mmartinez07/UnhappilyEverAfter/

Anonymous said...

Dear Lisa;  I have a lot of these same symptoms and I have compassion for what you are going through right now.  And this statement ----> It also gets so tiring to hear, "But you look good!"  I hear it all the time.  I shake my head in wonder.  How can people be so ignorant sometimes?
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/WISHINGANDHOPING/

Anonymous said...

The graphic is wonderful and says so much.  I can truly relate to that graphic.

I do hope you are doing a bit better today than Friday.

Hugs, my new friend

Deb

Anonymous said...

Lisa, You are such an amazing lady, I am always here for you if you need me, Hugs Lisa

Anonymous said...

I know your faith will take you far. If the Lord leads you to it, Then he will lead you through it.
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom

Anonymous said...

its all you can do is one day at time. sometimes I think its good to try not to foucus and write ti all down . the neighbor lady came over said you take all that stuff I did not know you had pain. She was sitting there and My neck popped really loud she said I heard that ove here!!!!!! I siad yeah my neck hurts. She said you dont say nothing. She is always saying owee making faces from pain and such. I siad no I jst try TRY to go on and ignore it as complaining does not good

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Anonymous said...

Lisa, you are such an inspiration to all of us.  I am also 53, like Jackie, and should be so thankful at this point that I am healthy and able to get around.  You help me to put my life in its proper perspective.  Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts with all of us.  HUGS Chris

Anonymous said...

I can't even begin to imgine what it is like for you day in and day out.  Your faith and strength are incredible and an inspiration to all of us who read this (and those who come in contact with you every day).  You have taken a tough situation and made the best of it, you don't sit there saying "why me God?", you just accept it and deal with it.  Yes, you are human, so of course you are going to feel at times like your body betrayed you in the sense that it can no longer do the things it used to.  I think I've said it before, but if I haven't, I was thinking it... you are an AMAZING woman, you truly are Lisa.  
xoxo, Heather

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Anonymous said...

God Bless! Proud to call you my 'friend'.
Hugs, Sug

Anonymous said...

Of course that makes sense! You are a truly wonderful and inspirational woman, and I think we all gain something in our lives and in our hearts by being friends with you.

Take care, hope you're having a great day.

Morgan
xxx
http://journals.aol.com/Sneezy7125/RandomThoughts

Anonymous said...

you know I think youre right,I do believe that things happen for a reason,yours is to help others,although in my personal opinion I think you have some of the cruelest conditions,it is sad to hear that your hands are worse as your entries bring light,light in understanding for those with none,and light in hope for those without and in dispair.I am of no faith,but I dont judge those who do have it,I feel that you gain comfort from it and I envy you that,mainly as I do not have the feelings you do.The empty room could be seen as a comparison of your feelings of being inside an empty shell,but do you know what I saw when I saw the graphic? I saw a beautiful woman spreading light into the empty room,without her,it would be dark,take care,keep writing for as long as you can hun,it gives us all strength and hope.xx zoexx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/zoepaul6968/DomesticAbuse/

Anonymous said...

((((((((((((( Lisa ))))))))))))))) I just don't know fully what to say. I do believe that God gives us all this *package* (our body) it disguise's often WHO we are. It is only a shell of our outer being, yet we are judged for it daily.  It is those people that are true that see past these disguises we are born with.  These journals , these woman here in J-land we are brought together and learn about each other is the insides of others before we can judge from the outside.  And we in turn can be ourselves and let our thoughts, feelings and emotions out without having to be something more then we are not.
I wish there was something, anything that could help you.  I just ache for you. My father has Fibermyalgia, but not the depths you have.  Just know your in my thoughts, always. Piqua is not that far if you need anything :)
Hugs
Angie

Anonymous said...

Lisa
I'm glad you shared with us the feelings that you are experiencing.  There is no way for us to know of your trials and tribulations unless you do.  I cannot even imagine what it is like, but I know that you are a hero in my viewpoint for facing these challenges with your faith and dignity.  You are in our thoughts and we are here as a sounding board any time you want to share.
Sam

Anonymous said...



I agree with what Zoe says...God Bless you dear Lisa!

Astra!
http://journals.aol.co.uk/astra1547/astrasjournal

Anonymous said...

I love this photo and understand the meaning you get from it.  I love reading your journal. It does help those of us they are being diagnosised with MS. Thanks, Nancy

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Hello,
Read your comments.  We wonder why we go through some things sometimes.  The Lord tells us to give it all to him and even sickness he will use to his glory if you let him. Keep your faith strong no matter what happens.
I am a graphics professional.  Are these your works?  If so, continue.  Art reaches and touches people faster than words.  It can also change, motivate, challenge people and societies.  Have you had a show?  Do you sell your work?  I hope you will consider these things.  The test of true art is art that it touches people and is therefore valued. You have something of great value in your art.
Bonnie

Anonymous said...

Hello,
Read your comments.  We wonder why we go through some things sometimes.  The Lord tells us to give it all to him and even sickness he will use to his glory if you let him. Keep your faith strong no matter what happens.
I am a graphics professional.  Are these your works?  If so, continue.  Art reaches and touches people faster than words.  It can also change, motivate, challenge people and societies.  Have you had a show?  Do you sell your work?  I hope you will consider these things.  The test of true art is art that it touches people and is therefore valued. You have something of great value in your art.
Bonnie