My Big Adventure!

Have you ever done something, and couldn’t really put your finger on the "why" of it? Well, I went to an adult toy store with my friend Sallie. Why? Beats the heck out of me. I’ve never been to one, never wanted to go to one, but, I went anyway.

Actually, it was all Sallie’s fault…when in doubt, blame your friends. We were sitting on her patio one evening discussing what we always discuss, men. With the help of a little wine, the conversation began

to encompass sex, then adult toy stores. The men and sex connection makes perfect sense, but I’m still not sure where or how we got to the adult toy store part. Anyway, she said she’d never been to one, and asked if I would go with her.

Understand, when Sallie decides she wants to do something, she does it, and she does it with gusto. I’m a planner. I have to think about things, consider them, and then think again. But this time, I didn’t. I guess her enthusiasm was contagious.

For all my bravado, the second we pulled into the parking lot, I wilted. I mean, right there, smack dab in their front window was "stuff"! Not the main stuff, but still, stuff...leather stuff, lace stuff, feather stuff. The sight of all this "stuff" seemed to spur Sallie on.

Not to be outdone, I followed her lead and waltzed right in the front door just as big as you please. I didn't count on Sallie’s Oklahoma born, and exceedingly buoyant," Well hi there" to the boys behind the counter. What was even worse, they spoke! They looked right at us. We were having a conversation with adult toy store people!

"How can we help you ladies this evening?" was delivered with one of those, "Oh yippee, hippies!" look.

I fixed my eyes on the bridge of his nose, I just couldn't make eye contact, and mumbled "Oh, we're just looking around." At which point I grabbed Sallie and dragged her away before she went into a detailed discussion of sex toys, anatomy and Lord knows what else.

The first department we visited was clothing. That was good. Being a world class shopper, I’m at home in clothing departments. As I rounded a corner, there it was - the most remarkable dress I’ve ever seen. I say "dress" but it was so much more. It had an Elizabethan feel, with a floor length, full, black satin overskirt, split smack dab up the middle, right to the waist. Beneath the overskirt was the skeleton of a boned, floor length petticoat, no fabric, just the stays.

The bodice was a bustier-type affair in leather that laced up the front, which was constructed to ensure that the teeniest bosom would be pushed up under the wearer’s chin. To complete the ensemble, a pair of leather, elbow length gloves, with tiny black pearls at the wrist.

I couldn’t understand what such a magnificent gown was doing in that sort of place, until Sallie pointed out the accessories. You got it – it came with a full compliment of whips, chains, and some stuff I don’t want to know about. I still wish I bought it. Not for it’s intended use of course, but just because. It’s one of those things that you hide in the back of your closet and never let anyone see. Still.

Sallie quickly tired of the clothing, and dragged me off to the official "toy" department. You wouldn’t believe it. There were so many "things". Things to be inserted into every imaginable orifice, and even some I couldn't figure out. There were fake male appendages in every conceivable color and size, and get this, some shaped like animals. I don't know about you, but I've never had the urge to stick a frog anywhere.

While I was absolutely dumbstruck, Sallie was having a big ol' time. "Hey, come look at this one....feel this....where does this go....how does this work?" Suffice it to say, she was animated.

A beach ball, or what I thought was a beach ball, caught my eye, except, it wasn’t a beach ball at all. Oh, it was a ball all right, but you’ll never see this one at the beach. It had a rather long, protruding attachment that snuggles inside the body as you sit on the ball. Then, you simply grab the conveniently placed handle, and bounce. I was hit with a fit of insane giggles as I imagined bouncing through my house…knocking over tables, flattening the cat.

At the point of hysteria, I turned to Sallie, "Look at…", and was met with the sight of my best friend,her fingers stuck in a fake, um, portion of the female anatomy.

The words, "Are you ladies looking for anything in particular?" were met with the sight of two middle-aged women…one, tears of laughter running down her cheeks; and the other, spinning a fake "portion of the female anatomy".

I really wish I weren't so embarrassed, because there were one or two, or twelve things I would have liked to buy. I do have a "bouncy" personality, you know.

 

 

by; D. Gustafson

 

 

Tags: Humor, Laugh!