Pause O' Menses

Want a word that’s ensured to illicit a myriad of comments, moans, groans, eye rolls and jokes? Menopause.

Go ahead, say it out loud. Get used to it. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, trust me, it will; and trust me when I say "you’ll live". You won’t become a eunuch; nor will you become a card carrying member of some androgynous sect. Unless, of course, you’re a huge David Bowie fan. I hear he’s the president. So, here are a few of the little goodies you can look forward to; as well as a few heartfelt clarifications.

Hot flashes
A wonderful way to keep your pores clean and your skin hydrated - really, really hydrated.

Cold flashes
What you’d kill for when you’re having a hot flash.

Excessive bleeding
This is simply your body’s way of refusing to "go quietly into that good night"

Mood swings
If you’ve ever been married, or had children, you’ve already experienced mood swings. They're old hat.

Dry vagina
A dry one is preferable to a drippy one. If it’s bothersome, there are a zillion products that you can squirt up there.

Increased or decreased libido
A Patek Philipe watch will increase your libido, and a bad hair day will decrease it. So what? You’ve faked it before, you still can.

Incontinence
Try not to laugh too boisterously. Instead, adopt an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile, it will afford an aura of mystery, and keep your panties dry.

Increased flatulence
If you make a little mistake, simply look around for the offending individual. Please, of course it's not you.

Depression
For God’s sake, we’re waiting for an onslaught of anthrax, smallpox, and the creeping crud. Who isn’t depressed? So, take heart, you’ll make it through. Have fun with it. Play "connect the dots" with your age spots. If they form an exact replica of Abraham Lincoln, you may be able to get on The Letterman Show.

 

by D. Gustafson

 

 

 

 

Tags: Humor, Laugh!